Month: July 2018

This Time It’s Personal

It doesn’t get more personal than this.


⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Infertility. The word sounds as harsh as the diagnosis. I’m sitting here waiting for my ultrasound to check how my uterine lining is progressing and having one of those surreal- is this really my life- moments. I don’t mean that in a “poor me” way, but it’s still baffling sometimes that the word infertility is so common in my vocabulary. That I write about frozen embryo transfers and estrogen. That I don’t blink anymore at getting blood drawn. That a doctor is in the room with my husband and I when we “get pregnant” 😳 Not exactly what you picture on your wedding day.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
This is why I’m on a mission to share safer products. This is why my Beautycounter business isn’t really about a great lipstick or eye cream. It’s so freaking personal for me. It got personal the day the doctor sat down across from us and explained that in vitro fertilization was our only viable option to have children. It got personal the day that I gave myself my first {of many} hormone shots. It got really personal when my doctor sucked a bunch of my eggs from my ovaries with a needle..through my vagina…(mmm hmmm) and even more personal when he put one beautifully fertilized embryo back in my uterus.

Yeah. That’s personal.

(can you tell I’m a little feisty about this topic)

Most personal care products are packed with things like parabens and phthalates that are KNOWN to impact our hormones and contribute to infertility. I didn’t know that. Not until we couldn’t get pregnant and I started scouring the internet for anything that might be a clue. They are everywhere; just flip over your shampoo bottle, or face lotion. I didn’t know that the last significant law regulating the personal care industry was passed in >>> 1938 <<< I didn’t know that over 80% of the ingredients in our beauty products have N E V E R been tested for safety.

Now I know. And I can’t un-know. So, I have to share. I want you to know. I want everyone to know.

And you might be thinking…this doesn’t effect me..I’m a fertile myrtle over here so it’s all good. Wrong. It’s not just fertility; it’s cancer. Autoimmune disease. Skin conditions. Learning Disabilities. It’s our health.

We deserve better. We should NOT have to sacrifice our health or fertility for the sake of “beauty”.

If you want to learn more, please ask me questions.

Here are some good resources to get you started:

Breast Cancer Prevention Partners

Campaign for Safe Cosmetics

Environmental Working Group

Beautycounter Never List

What I Know For Sure :: Gratitude

2 Comments

I spent the morning crying. And when I say crying I mean ugly faced, red cheeked,  tears pouring, bawling my eyes out crying… for a good 45 minutes. 

My tears  weren’t from sadness or fear or anxiety. They could have been since we are transferring baby #2 soon and I should be a total mess. But no, it was gratitude. Deep, heart bursting, skin tingling, joyful gratitude. The kind of you feel deep down in your bones. 

It started with my morning devotional. I decided to play some music and chose my favorite worship song of all time- Oceans by Hillsong United.

“Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed and You won’t start now”

It’s a song I listened to over and over during our first round of IVF. And as I listened to the lyrics and remembered that season of our life while watching my crazy, wonderful toddler running circles around me, I was struck with the most profound joy and feeling of gratitude. For the blessing of this life I get to call mine. For God’s unwavering provision. For His promises fulfilled. For His unending hope.  He has never failed me… 

Last night we had a family date night. It was a special night because we also picked the gender of our future baby. See, with IVF, you have the ability to choose the gender, since we know the genetic makeup of our embryos. I don’t love having that choice in my hands and a HUGE piece of me wants to be surprised {like all the other normal parents who get to do gender reveal parties and such}. So, we are making it a surprise as best we can. Last night at the beach, we prayed over a little bowl full of folded white paper strips, each labeled boy or girl. Austin reached in and grabbed a piece and put it in an envelope. We sealed it and threw away the other strips so neither of us (ahem- my dear husband) would count the remaining papers and figure out what Austin had placed in that envelope.

This morning, in the midst of my grateful tear-fest, I had this beautiful vision: my grandparents in heaven sitting with our future child. The one God had already chosen for us. They are waiting with him or her and helping to prepare that child for their earthly home with our family. 

If I wasn’t crying before, you bet your booty I was crying then. I have often felt my grandparent’s presence since their passing and have had some really cool experiences where Austin has recognized them without me having told him about them before, so I 100% believe they are angels in heaven. It was the most comforting, peaceful image I’ve ever had.

Austin eventually noticed that mommy was crying. It took him a surprisingly long time; I think children are so much more comfortable with emotions that it didn’t even register until he heard me choke back a sob.

“Mommy, you sad?” he looked at me with the tenderest eyes and came over to pat my knee.

In that moment I got to hold his angel face in my hands and tell him I wasn’t sad at all. I was crying because I was happy. So very happy that God had given him to us. He smiled and nodded like he understood. Then he went back to playing.  He probably won’t remember this specific instance in his life, but I hope he always remembers and feels the love we have for him.

What this morning’s emotional melt down revealed to me is this, the truth I know way down in the deepest parts of my soul:

Whatever the results of our embryo transfer, God is good. God promises that He has good plans for us and I trust him. Because He has always, always provided. He has always, always been good. Even in the hardest parts, He has been good. He’s blessed us beyond anything we deserve or have earned. 

It is a gratitude that leaves me speechless. A gratitude that I am blessed to know.

SaveSave

SaveSave

SaveSave

A note to self…and anyone else who needs to hear it

2 Comments

Hey Mama,

Yes, you. The one with the toddler who just flung himself on the floor screaming. I see you.

Yes, you- the one who clearly tried to look put together as you stepped out the door, but the day has run you a little ragged (the messy bun says it all). You still look pretty.

I know, I saw that deep breath you took. That extra few seconds spent closing your eyes praying for patience as your little one struggles to break free from your grasp. I’m proud of you.

Yes, I’m talking to you mama. I saw you glance longingly at that group of 20 somethings enjoying an afternoon of laughter .. and cocktails ..as you shoveled your lunch into your mouth with one hand, in between laps around the restaurant. I know you wondered if that would ever be you again.. and I know you felt a little guilty for thinking it. It’s okay to feel that way. It doesn’t mean you don’t love being mama.

Yes mama, you – the one who just said “no” for the hundredth time today. The one who is silently questioning if she is doing it all wrong because Lord knows the hospital did not send you home with a manual in how to parent a toddler. You, the one who dreads getting in the car because of the car seat battle that always ends in tears.

Yes, you… did you see that? Did you see the way your little person just looked at you, squealed your name and wrapped his arms around your neck. I know you were there, but did you really see it?

See mama, I know it can be tough, but the way that little boy just hugged you is all the proof in the world that you are doing … great. Your little one knows he is loved and that is all he truly needs. Sometimes you just need a little reminder. So sleep tight mama. It starts again tomorrow.. but you got this!

– Love, Me

How I prep for my FET :: Frozen Embryo Transfer

Our first picture of baby A on transfer day {3.6.15}

Spend just 30 seconds on Google looking up anything fertility related and you are going to be chin deep in all sorts of advice. From the dreaded “just relax and it will happen”, to eating pineapple core and McDonald’s fries post FET (that’s frozen embryo transfer), it will make your head spin.

My doctor takes a very chill approach to this whole process and I have a love-hate relationship with that. I LOVE that he focuses on positive mindset. I love that he doesn’t have me on some crazy vitamin regimen and that I haven’t had to give up any food or drink {yet}. He is all about keeping calm and positive. But there is a part of me that’s like “please Doc, give me something to obsess over so I don’t obsess over the BIG stuff…you know, like whether this embie baby is gonna snuggle into my uterus or not”…gahhh!

So, while the internet is full of vitamin/food/exercise/massage/detox/etc. recommendations, this post probably won’t include many of them. There is probably a lot of validity to the suggestions you find and I am NOT knocking anyone who is washing down their L-Arginine pills with beet juice after they finish their fertility massage. There is actually a big piece of me that wants to be that girl and struggles with feeling like maybe I’m not doing enough because I haven’t done those things.

But here is my truth. Trying to keep up with all the recommendations would STRESS ME THE F OUT.  I am NOT someone who does well with structure or routine or following rules. Too much of all that and I’m like “peace out, I quit”…followed by “I am such a loser, I can’t even take my pills on time. Everyone else is doing this, why can’t I figure it out”. I don’t do well when I am overwhelmed and all of the “how to prep” posts I’ve read just overwhelm me.

So, since Dr. K simply insists that I keep a positive mindset and minimize my stress as best as possible. That is what I’m focusing on. He also insisted that I start taking a prenatal vitamin- pretty standard.

Here are the 10 things on my FET prep to do list:

  1. Eating a healthy, balanced diet. I started a program called Faster Way to Fat Loss {Dr. K approved} because I really wanted to get my body in a better place before getting pregnant. The program focuses on getting the right amounts of fat, protein and carbs, while practicing intermittent fasting. I am LOVING it and so is my bod. I feel stronger and healthier…and I still eat ice cream. So its a win-win.
  2. Exercise Regularly. Again, I wanted to feel strong heading into this pregnancy so I have been hitting the gym (using my Faster Way to Fat Loss workouts). I could write a novel about my relationship with exercise; suffice it to say, we haven’t always been on speaking terms. But I have really begun to enjoy the gym because…KIDS CLUB! Yup, I can spend a full 90 minutes working out my stress without running after my kiddo. Hallelujah! They even have a hydromassage chair that you know I hit up EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I don’t make it to the gym everyday and I refuse to beat myself up over that. I go when I can and I try to make it 3-5 times a week.
  3. Take my prescribed meds (and prenatal). This is obvious, but also, not necessarily easy. When you’re popping 6+ pills a day and chasing after a 2.5 year old and running a business..and…it’s easy to forget the little blue pill that makes you NAUSEOUS {I’m talking to you, Estrogen} So I downloaded a medicine tracker app that literally gives you a guilt trip if you don’t take your meds on time …I haven’t missed a pill yet! (it’s called Medisafe if you want to use it- totally free) During our first round of IVF I made my own medicine tracker, on paper…so old school! But there were way more meds to track since we were also doing our egg retrieval. This time its much simpler.
  4. Cut back on caffeine. Studies are mixed and the data is a bit inconclusive about how caffeine effects fertility and pregnancy, but I usually take the more cautious road. The American Pregnancy Association has a good article on caffeine and pregnancy (here) and while you’re probably okay drinking one cup a day, I choose to play it safe and cut it out completely for at least the first trimester. So, I cut back and stop drinking caffeine about a week ahead of my FET so that I’m not dealing with caffeine withdrawal post-transfer.
  5. Have fun! Lucky for me it’s summer and I am on break from school so there is more time to have fun, but even if I was back at work I would be focused on having fun. This is A’s last summer as an only child. That makes me want to ugly cry so hard. So, I am trying to focus on enjoying the little things with him. Any time I spend engaging with him in play immediately makes me feel joyful and less stressed. We’ve also traveled a bunch this summer to visit family- which is fun and also exhausting.
  6. Feed my mind and soul with things that make me feel grounded, positive and connected. I’ve been reading great books {just finished Girl, Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis- must read) and listening to podcasts and music that pumps me up or makes my heart happy. I’m avoiding things that make me anxious (like the news) and reaching out to friends and family because my relationships are the best way to fill my bucket. I have learned that what and who I surround myself by has a profound impact on my mental health. At a time like this, there is no room in my life for negativity. Period. Gimme all the good stuff.
  7. Spend some QT with my hubby. This is easier said than done since our schedules haven’t lined up much this summer. But, we’ve snuck in a few more date nights and I am staying up later to be able to catch up with him when he gets home late. Little things add up, so I’m working on that. It’s an odd thing to be getting pregnant without the usual…ahem…horizontal polka. I will probably write about that later. But, we’re about to bring another human being into this world…it’s freaking important that our relationship is in a good spot.
  8. Act “as-if”. When Dr. K asked me how the estrogen pills were treating me, I told him I was just pretending the nausea was morning sickness. He gave me a fist-pump. It was the highlight of my week. This ties in with the positive mind-set, but you will find me talking about my due date and making future plans that assume I will be pregnant/have a newborn. There is no “hopefully” or “what-if”. I realize that might be a bit pie-in-the-sky for some. And I am also very aware of potential negative outcome here. At the same time, I think the power of manifestation is real so you better believe I am manifesting the most adorable baby bump you’ve ever seen! Gah! I love being pregnant. I can’t wait!
  9. Okay, okay I am also considering acupuncture. Acupuncture has been really helpful for me in the past for back pain so I am generally a fan. It wouldn’t hurt to try it on transfer day, I just haven’t made the appointment yet. There have been some legit studies that suggest acupuncture contributes to better pregnancy rates with IVF.
  10. Pineapple. I do eat the pineapple. I will start that the day of my transfer and eat 1/5th of a pineapple including the core for the next 5 days. If you are going through IVF and this is the first you’ve heard of eating pineapple click here for a good explanation.

Bonus tip: stay off the internet. Stop googling. Stop reading those message boards. I realize I am a blogger telling you not read blogs haha. But if you find yourself obsessing, or feeling more anxious after a deep dive into the land of fertility forums and blogs, JUST STOP READING THEM. Your journey is yours alone. Comparing it to others can make things worse. Trust your doctor will tell you exactly what you need to do and use your fertility clinic as a resource. Take care of yourself.

You have to know yourself and what makes you stressed vs what keeps you calm. I know many people who find great peace in their vitamin regimen and fertility massage schedule. I love those people. I am not one of those people. Focus on the things that make you feel hopeful, grounded and positive and do those things ALOT. Thats my two cents. 😉

 

 

 

Simple & Quick Summer Makeup

Mornings are pretty much a mad dash to get out the door in my house. It’s usually just me and little man so it doesn’t leave much time for me to spend beautifying myself. Luckily, a few of my favorite Beautycounter products and 3 minutes is all I need to feel at least a little put together.

Here are the products I used in this video and why I love them //

 

•Dew Skin #3 Tinted Moisturizer with SPF 20

This is an absolute must-have, especially for summer! Light on your face, gives a dewy glow AND protects your skin from the sun. I use it alone or under my Tint Skin Hydrating Foundation.

 

•Touchup Skin Concealer Pen in Light

Light on your skin but packs a punch when it comes to coverage. This concealer won’t cake up. Totally saves me from looking like a mom zombie every morning

 

•Cream Blusher in Caramel

Easy, peasy! This blush stick can be used on your cheeks, eyes and lips! Talk about multi-tasking. I love how fast it is to put on and the glow it gives me.

 

•Lengthening Mascara

Mascara is one of the worst offenders when it comes to harmful ingredients! This swap was easy for me to make. I love the length it gives my lashes.

 

•Lip Gloss in Peony

I don’t know a single person who doesn’t fall in love with this lip gloss at first swipe. It’s creamy, hydrating, smells like vanilla and comes in gorgeous colors. Peony is great for spring and summer. I never leave the house without a lip gloss in my purse.

SaveSave

Learning to Love the Jiggle

Oh man this is a hard one to share but I hope it’s encouragement for other women like me.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
I have struggled with my weight since college. I packed on 50 pounds during pregnancy and while I’ve technically lost that weight, my body is much different than it was before baby. And there are still many pounds to go for my best health.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Self-discipline isn’t exactly my strength. Especially when it comes to food and exercise. I like food. A lot. If I have the option to eat wine and a cheese plate, I’m *probably* going to eat it. And let’s not get started on dessert 🍦Life’s too short to not enjoy good food.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
So naturally I beat myself up regularly about my failed self-discipline. Which isn’t really productive. Lately I’ve been working on embracing all of me, even the imperfections {shout out to #brenebrown}
And I’m grateful because it allowed me to share this silly moment with my son without thinking about how crazy jiggly my tummy is.

IMG_2385
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
What if I had recoiled? Pulled my shirt down and made some comment about “mommy’s tummy”? What message would I have been sending my child? And I would have missed out on that laugh…
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Is it important for me to continue working on my health and fitness? Absolutely! But it’s equally important for me to love and accept the person I am at this very moment. Because I am worthy of love and belonging just as I am. And I want my children to know that they too are worthy just as they are.

 

Happy Anniversary + E I G H T

June 26, 2010

Eight years ago we said “I do”, spent a blissful week in Mexico, and hopped on a plane to move to Seattle and start our life together in a new state.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
If I could have told that young wife then, what I know now, I would tell her: trust in the Lord and be brave.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
The road ahead will never be clear in this coach’s wife life – we will never be able to see more than a step ahead of us- but God is good and he will always provide. The way you will learn to trust your husband, to trust God, and to trust yourself is more valuable than any roadmap ever would’ve been. You don’t know it now, but saying yes to this man is one of the bravest things that you’ve ever done. You will have to dig down deep on this journey, but you’ll become a better person for it. Keep saying “yes” to the people and the things that you love. God put them in your heart for reason and he will help you along the way. Eight years of marriage seems far away, but you will blink and it will be here. You will overcome a lot together in this short time. And while I’m sure it’s unimaginable that you could love this man any more than you do on your wedding day, believe me, the love only gets bigger, deeper and sweeter.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Cheers to 8 years with my coach. This man has challenged me, pushed me, strengthened me, loved me, supported me and helped me to become a better me than I knew was possible. Grateful doesn’t even come close to how I feel about being married to him ❤ ⠀⠀⠀

I DON’T // on “doing it all”

Someone asked me recently “how do you do it all?” referencing the fact that I am a full time working mom with a side gig – the honest answer is that I don’t. I do not do it all. At least not all in one day.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Some days require me to focus on one area of my life more than others. Some days I choose to focus on something and let other things {like the dishes} fall to the wayside. It’s not always easy to give myself permission to not “do it all” , to not be SuperMom, but I tried that life and it did NOT work for me. I don’t think it really works for anyone.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
I missed my boy a lot today, so tonight we are playing outside a little longer. And I probably won’t get the dishes done before bed. And I’m okay with that. So, in case you need permission today to not do it all… you have my blessing! 😘

Having fun after work!

Foreboding Joy

I’ve been on an infertility rollercoaster lately.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
We’re scheduled for our embryo transfer for baby #2 this summer and I’ve noticed lately that I’m feeling rather disconnected from this reality. Like there is something in me that is blocking out the anticipation, excitement, joy, even the fear. Like, I’ve been numb to it. Gah, so frustrating. I’ve slowly been peeling away the layers of why and I spoke it out loud for the first time to my girlfriends this weekend. Thank God for girlfriends, right?
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
So here’s the thing I am SO DAMN BLESSED, like, beyond comprehension. And I look around and see so much heartache. Fellow TTC Sisters who are still struggling to have their first child. Friends who have lost babies before they even saw the light of this world. Friends who have lost children who were just getting started. Friends who have endured tragedy and trauma…and here I am asking for more blessings? Who the hell do I think I am? I have it so good…
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
And at the same time, it feels like by asking for more that I just might tip the scale..and all those things, those “in my worst nightmare” things, will happen. Because there has to be such thing as too much of a good thing, right? Everything comes crashing down at some point, right? Maybe if I just ..don’t move…don’t change anything…don’t ask for more…then maybe I’ll be protected from all those scary scary what-if’s?
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Of course my friends gently reminded me that I have lived through some of my own nightmares. And that I have zero control over when, or if, another bad thing will happen. The only thing I am doing by not allowing myself to feel all the things that come with trying for another baby, is robbing myself of the joy that I have been blessed with.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Everything about infertility and motherhood is vulnerable. It’s so easy to try and put up defenses. But I don’t want to lose the joy of this season in my life. Because it is so, so sweet. Brené Brown calls it foreboding joy, and I am the queen. She also says gratitude is the antidote. So, I am focusing practicing gratitude and savoring all of the sweet blessing of living in this moment, right now.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀