I spent the morning crying. And when I say crying I mean ugly faced, red cheeked, tears pouring, bawling my eyes out crying… for a good 45 minutes.
My tears weren’t from sadness or fear or anxiety. They could have been since we are transferring baby #2 soon and I should be a total mess. But no, it was gratitude. Deep, heart bursting, skin tingling, joyful gratitude. The kind of you feel deep down in your bones.
It started with my morning devotional. I decided to play some music and chose my favorite worship song of all time- Oceans by Hillsong United.
“Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed and You won’t start now”
It’s a song I listened to over and over during our first round of IVF. And as I listened to the lyrics and remembered that season of our life while watching my crazy, wonderful toddler running circles around me, I was struck with the most profound joy and feeling of gratitude. For the blessing of this life I get to call mine. For God’s unwavering provision. For His promises fulfilled. For His unending hope. He has never failed me…
Last night we had a family date night. It was a special night because we also picked the gender of our future baby. See, with IVF, you have the ability to choose the gender, since we know the genetic makeup of our embryos. I don’t love having that choice in my hands and a HUGE piece of me wants to be surprised {like all the other normal parents who get to do gender reveal parties and such}. So, we are making it a surprise as best we can. Last night at the beach, we prayed over a little bowl full of folded white paper strips, each labeled boy or girl. Austin reached in and grabbed a piece and put it in an envelope. We sealed it and threw away the other strips so neither of us (ahem- my dear husband) would count the remaining papers and figure out what Austin had placed in that envelope.
This morning, in the midst of my grateful tear-fest, I had this beautiful vision: my grandparents in heaven sitting with our future child. The one God had already chosen for us. They are waiting with him or her and helping to prepare that child for their earthly home with our family.
If I wasn’t crying before, you bet your booty I was crying then. I have often felt my grandparent’s presence since their passing and have had some really cool experiences where Austin has recognized them without me having told him about them before, so I 100% believe they are angels in heaven. It was the most comforting, peaceful image I’ve ever had.
Austin eventually noticed that mommy was crying. It took him a surprisingly long time; I think children are so much more comfortable with emotions that it didn’t even register until he heard me choke back a sob.
“Mommy, you sad?” he looked at me with the tenderest eyes and came over to pat my knee.
In that moment I got to hold his angel face in my hands and tell him I wasn’t sad at all. I was crying because I was happy. So very happy that God had given him to us. He smiled and nodded like he understood. Then he went back to playing. He probably won’t remember this specific instance in his life, but I hope he always remembers and feels the love we have for him.
What this morning’s emotional melt down revealed to me is this, the truth I know way down in the deepest parts of my soul:
Whatever the results of our embryo transfer, God is good. God promises that He has good plans for us and I trust him. Because He has always, always provided. He has always, always been good. Even in the hardest parts, He has been good. He’s blessed us beyond anything we deserve or have earned.
It is a gratitude that leaves me speechless. A gratitude that I am blessed to know.
You my darling grand daughter are blessed in so many ways, but our Lord has given you a very special gift, that of self expression which is so very difficult for so many of us. Tomorrow is a gift also, and I am sure that he will be right there at your side and also our blessed Mother.
I love you. Thank you for helping make it possible and for always being there for me ❤️