I’m starting to wrap my head around the fact that {hopefully} a month from now we will be finally pregnant with our 2nd. In just a few weeks I’ll find myself in the familiar routine of hormones and shots and Wanda. So. much. Wanda. By mid summer I’ll be peeing on sticks and praying for morning sickness. Especially against the backdrop of COVID19, I’ve been struggling to find my footing.
Here’s the honest truth. I’m terrified.
I’m scared of it not working…
- of hearing the nurse call with that “I’m so sorry” tone in her voice I know too well
- of the feeling of my heart shattering into a million pieces
- of having to tell our son, who wants a baby sister so badly he never stops talking about it, that he has to keep waiting.
- of losing myself again. I’ve worked really hard to get back to a healthy place.
- of having to decide whether we will try again, or accept that this is the end.
- of wondering who she would have been, too– two babies in heaven is enough to wonder about.
What I didn’t expect, though. What I’m still trying to sort out with God is…I am also scared of it working.
- of losing the baby later in the pregnancy
- of having a c-section again
- of not having a c-section again
- of an uncertain world that awaits us as we recover from COVID19
- of not having a say in what vaccines she gets and when
- of whether I can really handle two children and be a good mom to both
- of getting postpartum anxiety again and losing all the progress I’ve made
- of having another child to worry about. The thought of losing a child is crippling.
Do I have it in me? Do I really have the strength to face it all? And as I plead with God. As I bring Him each fear and beg Him for clarity, He reminds me: Isaiah 41:13.
For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.
God gave me this verse at the very beginning of our infertility. “Nicole, do not fear; I am holding your hand.”
He has never let go. He even gave us a little boy’s hand to hold to remind me when my faith is wobbly.
Does this make me stop feeling fear? Not always. But, it does remind me where to look when I feel it.