Tag: fertility

The Honest Truth


I’m starting to wrap my head around the fact that {hopefully} a month from now we will be finally pregnant with our 2nd. In just a few weeks I’ll find myself in the familiar routine of hormones and shots and Wanda. So. much. Wanda. By mid summer I’ll be peeing on sticks and praying for morning sickness. Especially against the backdrop of COVID19, I’ve been struggling to find my footing. 

Here’s the honest truth. I’m terrified. 

I’m scared of it not working…

  • of hearing the nurse call with that “I’m so sorry” tone in her voice I know too well
  • of the feeling of my heart shattering into a million pieces
  • of having to tell our son, who wants a baby sister so badly he never stops talking about it, that he has to keep waiting. 
  • of losing myself again. I’ve worked really hard to get back to a healthy place.
  • of having to decide whether we will try again, or accept that this is the end.
  • of wondering who she would have been, too– two babies in heaven is enough to wonder about. 

What I didn’t expect, though. What I’m still trying to sort out with God is…I am also scared of it working.

  • of losing the baby later in the pregnancy
  • of having a c-section again
  • of not having a c-section again
  • of an uncertain world that awaits us as we recover from COVID19
  • of not having a say in what vaccines she gets and when
  • of whether I can really handle two children and be a good mom to both
  • of getting postpartum anxiety again and losing all the progress I’ve made
  • of having another child to worry about. The thought of losing a child is crippling.

Do I have it in me? Do I really have the strength to face it all? And as I plead with God. As I bring Him each fear and beg Him for clarity, He reminds me: Isaiah 41:13.

For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.

God gave me this verse at the very beginning of our infertility.  “Nicole, do not fear; I am holding your hand.” 

He has never let go. He even gave us a little boy’s hand to hold to remind me when my faith is wobbly.

Does this make me stop feeling fear? Not always. But, it does remind me where to look when I feel it. 

Talking About Infertility

infertility, ivf, fertility

“So, what brings you in today?” the nurse asked me innocently.

“I … uhh. Well, ummm. I’m… ummmm.”

I stumble over my words. How do I put this? How do I start?

Finally I give up on finding the perfect word: “Well, uh, I have… infertility..?” I quickly start to share my life story to somehow give context to what I mean by that, to dissipate the tension in the room. She smiles trying to be kind and attentive, but it’s awkward for both of us.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about why we are so quiet about infertility. Why we hide behind secret Instagram profiles and Facebook groups. Why there are people in our daily lives who have no clue what we are going through. This exchange explains it all. Everything about infertility from the language we use, to the shots we inject ourselves with, is awkward, painful, hard. We can barely find words to describe it or define it, how are we supposed to be open about it?

I mean really- when put in a situation where we need to introduce the idea of our infertility here are some of the options that run through my mind:

“I am infertile.” (I mean, that’s just cruel)

“I have infertility” (I don’t think you can actually “have” infertility… you know, grammar and all)

“I’m reproductively challenged” (insert fake chuckle..humor is a great defense mechanism)

I usually opt for some version of “infertility journey”. Ha! Journey. As if somehow I chose this path. As if by traveling it there is some higher purpose. Some deeper, more meaningful reason for this. I like to think of it that way. It certainly it makes me feel better, and maybe there is truth to it too. But, I didn’t sign up for this trip and while I am determined to find joy and peace and gratitude in the midst of it, I’d get off this “journey” in an instant if I could.

I’ve made the deliberate decision to be open about this huge piece of my life with people, so more and more I find myself tripping over the words to use to tell people. Almost daily I get a question about when we will have another baby. I know I could easily brush off the questions with some reference to “God’s timing” and leave it at that. But, I don’t want to silence myself. I don’t want to brush off this question as insignificant when the truth is, it is one of the biggest, most complicated, cut to the core of my soul questions of my life.

infertility, ivf, iui, fertility

So, I keep stumbling through my words. And I keep filling the awkward space between me and the questioner with my best attempts at easing the tension while still honoring my story.

And after every single conversation I wrack my brain for a better way to put it. Better words. A better label. Something that doesn’t feel so obtuse rolling off my tongue.

I don’t know if I’ll ever find that better language. I do know that I won’t stop trying and I won’t stop talking. Owning my infertility is freaking hard and really delicate, but also incredibly healing and empowering.

How do you tell people about your infertility? Have you figured out a better way to talk about it? Give me all your suggestions!