Tag: mom

{Three Years With You}

The moment they put you in my arms for the first time was hands down the best moment of my life. It’s a memory that will forever be etched in my mind- the weight of you, the smell of you, the peace and love that filled my soul. Pure magic.

Three years with you, my boy. You’ve been with us now for the same amount of time we struggled to have you, wondering if you ever would be. Looking back I can see so clearly how each piece of the journey was preparing me to be your mama.

You do things your own way, on your own time. Just like when you took your time snuggling in as an embryo, leaving us waiting with baited breath. Teaching us to rely on God for patience.

Or how you insisted on snubbing all of your mama’s birth plans, refusing to flip head down no matter what I tried- forcing a c-section when all I wanted was a “natural” birth. It was as if you were warning me for what was to come: “don’t make too many plans, mom. None of this is going to go the way you thought it would, I’m gonna do it my way.” Oh, my independent little boy. I can’t help but laugh because really, with us as your parents how could I expect anything different.

You have made me a fighter. Your very existence is proof that deep inside me is the heart of a warrior. I fought to have you, fought to breastfeed you when many told me to just let it go, fought through postpartum anxiety to make sure I am the best mom I can be for you. I will never stop fighting for you, my love. Never. You’ve made me a mama bear, fierce.

I put you to sleep last night explaining that magic will come to you in the night and when you wake up you will be THREE. But the truth is, the magic didn’t appear last night. The magic started the day you were created and was with you every single day since. There was magic in each new word, each new step, each belly laugh, each “I miss you, mama”. Watching you grow is magic. You are magic, my son.

Each year your birthday is equal parts heartbreak and joy. Sad to leave behind another year knowing I will never again have two-year old you, but so very proud of the boy you are becoming and joyful that I have a future with you in it.

You correct me now, each time I call you “baby” – “no, mommy, I’m a big boy”. But you will always be my baby, my love. Always.

Happy Birthday, sweet boy. May this year bring more magic than the last.

SaveSave

SaveSave

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

4 Comments

I didn’t expect the tears today. I knew it was infant loss awareness day. I knew I’d want to say something about it. Light a candle. Say a prayer. But I didn’t think it would hit so hard. I’m not someone who really gets caught up in themed days. ⠀

⠀

If I’m super honest there is a part of me that doesn’t feel like we fully belong to this group of grieving parents. Our sweet embryo baby only made his home on my womb for a few short days. He tried. A chemical pregnancy is what the doctor called it. ⠀

⠀

But I have friends who have lost babies at 10 weeks. At 22 weeks. At birth. After… ⠀

⠀

So much of me feels like our loss just doesn’t touch that kind of loss. And in a way I still think that’s true. ⠀

⠀

But then I saw this image. And then the tears. Because no matter how short lived. No matter how teeny tiny that baby boy was, he still WAS. He existed. He was loved and wanted and he is no longer here. I haven’t cried for our loss in a while. I’ve been focusing on positive things and gratitude, but I’m gonna cry tonight and that’s okay. ⠀

⠀

I’m crying tears for you too, mama. I am 1 in 4. ⠀

⠀

My Natural Medicine Cabinet :: what I use to keep us healthy

1 Comment

DISCLAIMER: I am not a doctor or medical professional.
Everything written here is my opinion based on my own
research and experience. Please talk to your doctor and do
your own research.

Ahhhh cold and flu season is upon us again. As a working mom, just the thought of it ties a huge knot in my stomach. My first fall back to work with Little Man in daycare was a special kind of crazy. I can’t tell you how many meetings and workshops I had to cancel to stay home with my sick kiddo. The fall is my busiest time at work {college application season} so the lack of my presence is felt and it made me feel awful. By the end of the year I was clean out of sick AND vacation time and had to take unpaid days- which meant even less money in my already small paycheck. The feeling of being torn between taking care of my most precious gift and being present for work is maddening. Countless times I called my husband exclaiming “I quit! There is no way for me to work and be a good mom; I’m done!” Well, clearly I am still working and while the struggle is real, I do believe you CAN be a good mom and have a career.

All this to say, it is my mission this fall to take as few sick days as possible. So, I’ve been stocking my medicine cabinet with my natural essentials to get us through the season. I’m not anti-medicine, but I always prefer to reach for a natural remedy before I reach for over-the-counter medications. I believe that prevention is a way better strategy than treating symptoms once they arrive. Plus, the ingredients in most OTC medications are kind of atrocious and it feels like study after study is revealing that OTC meds are overused and not as safe as we’ve been lead to believe.

Let me give you the rundown of my “medicine cabinet”

First and foremost– a healthy diet, regular exercise and plenty of water is the baseline for your health. When the hubs and I started to focus on those three things we saw a huge decrease in how frequently we got sick. No amount of elderberry syrup can combat a diet riddled with fast food and sugar. Which brings me to..

Elderberry Syrup– this immunity booster is having a moment for sure. Studies like this one  suggest it has powerful protective effects against the cold and flu viruses. The elderberry syrup I use is semi-homemade 🙂 I buy a premade kit from Mama Mac’s Crunchy Kits on Facebook. You can find many similar ones on your local crunchy Facebook groups or Etsy or you can make it from scratch using a recipe like this one from Wellness Mama . I cook it up when we need it and keep it in the fridge. It lasts a long time. We all take it daily and we up the frequency when it feels like we are fighting something or when we know the flu is going around. It tastes yummy and Little Man never fights me on it. You can also buy some from the store, but I haven’t liked those ones as much.

yumm smells so good

 

 

 

 

Bee Propolis  – I just discovered this amazing product from Beekeeper’s Naturals and I’m loving it! Propolis is  a protective substance bees make to protect their hive walls. It basically acts like the immune system for the hive. How cool is that!? It contains over 300 powerful natural compounds known for to supporting immunity. I bought the BeeKeepers Natural throat spray a few weeks ago and it’s been amazing. Little Man and I have both been fighting a cold…it’s there, but so far we aren’t sick enough for it to slow us down. A few sprays every day is helping to sooth our throats and we have not gotten full blown sick! I’m a believer.

Probiotics– Our gut is where so much of our health and immunity begins. A good probiotic is a basic in my house. I use Plexus VitalBiome, but there are so many good ones on the market. Little Man takes the Plexus XFactor Kids multivitamin that has probiotics in it.

Apple Cider Vinegar– the hubs swears by Apple Cider Vinegar for all the things. I’ll be honest, I don’t take it regularly. But he takes a “shot” every morning and there is good reason to think its preventing him from getting sick since the man is never sick and he doesn’t really follow the rest of my “natural remedies”. He uses Bragg’s Apple Cider Vinegar Cleanse and it definitely goes down easier than pure ACV.

Essential oils– If you haven’t discovered the power of essential oils yet, you need to! I’ve basically replaced all the medicine I used to use with EO’s. I use DoTerra, mostly because that is what I was introduced to first and I trust that they are pure. It is super important to learn about using these powerful oils. They are incredible, but not always safe for use with kids, animals or various medical conditions. My favorite oils for immunity and illness are:

  • DoTerra Onguard products- this is the immunity blend and they have several products with it. I dilute it in a roller ball and rub on Austin’s feet and back daily. I will diffuse it all through the house to kill germs and boost our immunity. I also will take the internal capsules for myself a few times a week. I love the spray hand sanitizer too.
  • DoTerra Oregano- this is a hot oil and I would NOT use it on kids. If I know I am about to get sick, I will put one drop of this oil in a glass of water and chug- trying to not get any of it on my lips because it does burn a bit. But seriously, if I do this, the next day I feel great. I wouldn’t do it daily, but it’s a great pinch hitter for me.
  • DoTerra Breathe – Stuffy nose and coughs are no match for this oil! Think a natural version of Vicks Vaporub. I will dilute this one in my Beautycounter Soothing Baby Oil or Baby Balm and rub on the chest of whoever is sick. You can diffuse it while you sleep to help open your airways too. Instant relief.
  • DoTerra DigestZen- DigestZen helps all my tummy aches. I just dilute and rub it on my belly or my kiddo’s belly and within about 30 minutes things are feeling better.

Mullein Garlic Oil  – I get the craziest looks from my friends when I talk about this one, but seriously, Little Man hasn’t had an ear infection since I started using this (and he had a lot in his first year of life).I will do maintenance drops in both ears for prevention every few weeks. When cold and flu season hits I typically do it once a week. If I notice a stuffy nose or cough I’ll do it once a day. It treats infections that already exist too, but we haven’t used it like that since he hasn’t gotten any since using it. Warning: your kiddo will smell like garlic.

Detox baths– Once a week Little Man takes a detox bath and when I feel like he’s fighting something I will do it a few times a week. It’s just a mix of ½ cup epsom salts and 2 tablespoons baking soda dissolved in a hot bath (be sure they stay in there for 15-20 minutes to get the full benefits). Epsom salts contain magnesium sulfate which is a powerful detoxification mineral. It helps draw out and remove impurities in our bodies and also allows us to absorb the magnesium which supports so many of our bodily functions. The baking soda also promotes detoxification and helps balance the body’s pH.These baths also promote relaxation. Sometimes I’ll add a few drops of DoTerra’s Serenity blend essential oil to promote extra relaxation, too. You can double the recipe for a relaxing detox bath of your own. We sleep great after a detox bath!

One last thing…I know the fevers can be scary and there is definitely a point where they need to be reduced, but in general people are really quick to give a fever reducer like Tylenol when our kiddos have a fever. The thing is, fevers are our body’s natural way of fighting infection, If we don’t let the fever do it’s thaaaang then we often are prolonging the illness in our bodies. When Little Man is sick a really focus on letting the fever run its course and not medicating. I talked to his doctor about it and of course you should too, but there is value in a fever even though they are no fun, so don’t just jump to getting rid of it.

There you have it, my arsenal of natural remedies and immunity boosters.

What have you tried to naturally fight cold and flu season? 

Comment and let me know!

SaveSave

SaveSave

SaveSave

Sand Paper Hands

{may 2016 :: baby hands}

I’m not sure when it happened. It feels like just overnight. But my little baby’s hands…they have lost their baby soft touch. No longer are his palms puffy and smooth. He holds my hand now and his palms feel rough…more like his dad’s. The palms of a boy whose been hard at work all day; busy discovering, making, doing. He’s a little boy now… my baby fading into a sweet sweet memory.

I wonder to myself as I snuggle him to sleep tonight, would I have noticed? If we hadn’t faced infertility, if I hadn’t gone through the years of trying and the pain of “what if I never get to be a mom”…would I still notice little things like that?

There’s no doubt that my experience colors my perspective on life, and more so, on motherhood. The mom I am today is 100% influenced by the path I took to get here.

Would I still be laying here snuggling him to sleep for much longer than I really have time for and feeling mostly gratitude? Would I still breath him in deep and kiss his forehead and whisper all the things I love about him, instead of worrying about the things I could be, should be doing around the house? Would I have fought through the impatience and the frustration to stay present with my child and savor this moment, if I had never worried that I wouldn’t have the chance to do it at all?

{first family portrait}

Would I have teared up earlier today, heart about to burst, when he beamed as he held out his first family portrait for me to see? His excitement as he showed me which scribbles were Mommy and Daddy and Sadie ripped my heart into pieces, happy happy pieces. I’m so acutely aware that this simple moment wasn’t promised to me, almost wasn’t mine.

I do know that the worrier in me is amplified by infertility. I see it in my need to triple check that his car seat is tightened correctly before every single car ride. I know it drives my husband nuts that I will recheck his work, making certain he did it correctly too.

The anxiety I feel every night now that he sleeps in his own room…triple check the locks…is the alarm turned on? Did I close every window, every door and the gate to the hallway? Monitor on? Check… And the several times a night I wake and zoom in on the video monitor, just to make sure I see the soft rise and fall of his chest… I’m pretty sure that is the infertility speaking.

I can see it in other peoples eyes, when my son is running a little too fast towards the street and though he’s still far from danger, there is a shrill in my voice that’s a bit unnecessary, a panic that I just can’t control… they must be thinking “geez, this mom’s is a tad overbearing”.  I know. I know it’s unnecessary, I know he’s like 50 feet from the road and I can calm down. But what you don’t know, judgy mom from the park, is how hard I fought for this little boy. Protecting him feels just a bit scarier, heavier than I imagined it would.

I’m pretty sure I can blame infertility for the tears I cried the other night, beating myself up for making him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for dinner, when I knew he hadn’t touched a vegetable all day. See, when you fear you might be childless, you start to make promises to God… “God, if you give me a child I swear I will be the best-mom-ever-on-the-face-of-the-earth” …and that mom would obviously feed her child the most nutritious food…hello!

*sigh* infertility has also taught me to give myself grace, because Lord knows that PB&J is a childhood staple and there is nothing wrong with serving it for dinner. That “best-mom-ever-on-the-face-of-the-earth” stuff has gotta go.

I really do believe I’m a better mom because of my struggles. Not a better mom than someone else, but a better mom than I would have been. Pre-infertility me was pretty selfish, and kinda lazy. My biggest concern about being a mom back then was losing my precious sleep, because I looooved to sleep in (I mean really, ask anyone). I still catch myself feeling surprised when my son wakes me up early on a Saturday morning and my first response is a smile. No one ever got a smile from me first thing in the morning before infertility.

I’ll never know for sure if the reason I can (usually) have eons of patience with my son or the reason I light up every time I see him is just because I’m a mom, or if it’s because I’m an IVF mom, but either way, I’m grateful. I’m grateful that my heart is full simply by seeing his grubby face after a day at work. I’m grateful that I have found value in living in the moment because I don’t want to miss a single thing. I’m grateful that being his mom has pushed be to become a better human than I was before.  

I do know for certain that infertility has helped me see God’s gifts in everything. That our struggle to have a baby taught me how to find gratitude in all things, at all times. Infertility has shown me that I am made for more, and given me the drive and strength to pursue that version of myself, the one God made me to be.

I might not be the best-mom-ever-on-the-face-of-the-earth, but I’m on my way to being the best mom for MY child, the mom that God created me to be. Isn’t that what matters most?

I have gut feeling that pre-infertility me would have missed the point in many ways. She would have gotten bogged down in the day to day, easily dismissed a moment to connect when there was something that felt more pressing to do. I know she would have been a good mom, but I think she’d have a harder time seeing the bigger picture, seeing the blessing that she had in her hands. She just wouldn’t have known. I don’t know for sure, and I am certainly not talking about other moms. I’m not trying to say that infertility moms are better moms…not in the slightest. What I am saying, is that I am a better mom and and better person for the battle we face. That’s my journey.  

I’ll try not to cry tonight when Austin’s newly sand-papered palms reach for my cheek in his sleep. Watching him grow is as much heart breaking as it is the joy of my life. Maybe these tears are also because of infertility. Because the last three years have gone so fast and while I believe I’ll get to see another child through these early years, I know that isn’t guaranteed. I’d like to pause time for a bit, find a way to carve these small moments into my memory so they can never fade, never be forgotten. Sometimes I’m filled with panic about the swift passing of time, grasping at anything to slow it down. Motherhood sure does a number on your heart.

If you’re a mom, squeeze those babies tight tonight and take a minute to remind yourself how precious that gift is. Then give yourself some grace – you’re doing great!  If you’re not a mom yet, if you’re in the trenches of infertility, trust that God is using this time to shape you into the mom He created you to be for the child He’s got waiting for you. And give yourself loads of grace too!

Sending all the moms and moms-in-waiting love tonight. We’ve got the hardest and best job in the whole wide world.

XO, Nicole

SaveSave

SaveSave

SaveSave

SaveSave

SaveSave

SaveSave

Comparison is the Thief of Joy :: Friendships & Infertility

1 Comment

I have a superpower. I can predict when my friends are pregnant before they tell me. I just have a sense, and no joke, about 2 weeks later, I always get the call. I think God gave me this superpower as a way to protect me and help me be a better friend. See, I get to process ahead of time the idea that my friends are pregnant and I {save for the 9 months that I was} am not and will struggle to get pregnant every time I want to. So, by the time they actually tell me, I can be present for that conversation. I can give them the response they deserve, my joy. I can save the tears for later so they don’t have to be burdened in their time of happiness.  I’m not always great at that part, despite my superpower, but I can certainly respond better than if I hadn’t been predicting it when they told me.

But you know what is really interesting, during that time before they tell me, I often fear that they won’t tell me because they are afraid to upset me, knowing what I am going through.  I have vivid dreams of running into them at the grocery store, their belly clearly pregnant, and despite having spoken recently, they hadn’t told me. It’s almost a worse feeling than that of them being pregnant when I am not.

What would it say about me if the people I love don’t think I can handle hearing their joy in the midst of my pain? I want to be someone who can love my friends exactly where they are at, no matter where I am at.

Because here’s the thing, it always stings. It doesn’t matter if they get pregnant in the thick of my struggle or while I’m pregnant and in the height of joy. I literally was holding my newborn in my arms when I found out a friend was pregnant and even then, even when I had my miracle baby safe in my arms, it stung. Infertility never stops hurting. One of my older friends is 25 years removed from her fertility struggles and she told me it still stings when she hears of people getting pregnant. It’s not logical anymore, but it’s real. The sense of being an outsider, of missing out on one of life’s most anticipated, longed for experiences in its fullness; I don’t think that ever goes away.

It shows up all the time- when hearing a birth story, at a kids birthday party, in a memory of a time we were all together, but I was still not pregnant, in a passing complaint about how hard pregnancy is, or how hard motherhood is, or how “oops she’s pregnant again”.  It will show up on a random Tuesday in the hallway at work when a well meaning colleague presses you about when you’re going to give your son a sibling- time is ticking you know. The sting feels the same whether it’s a stranger or my closest friend. The mom at the park who’s pregnant with her 4th, all the kids are less than 2 year apart and she looks…tired…ya, that hurts too.

It is always going to sting; I have a choice in how I deal with it. It doesn’t feel good to wallow in “Why them? Why not me?” It feels better to celebrate with them. It’s okay to cry about it. It’s okay to feel the sting, to acknowledge the pain and the unfairness of it all. But really, what good does it do me to take away from them the joy that I wish was mine? None. It does me no good. In fact, it only makes things worse.

And the truth of it is, every single one of them has their own pain. Things I wouldn’t wish upon them in a million years. Things I am grateful I haven’t had to walk. Things I’m not sure I would be able to cope with as insanely strong as they have. So feeling jealous, feeling sad, feeling angry…that is normal and has its place, but I could flip that around and they could have felt that way about my joys, too. We all have our stories. They become more bearable, and perhaps more meaningful, when we can walk alongside each other through the good and the bad, the highs and the lows. Being strong when they are weak, letting them be strong for me, when I am weak. I’m lucky to have found friends like that.

Comparison is the thief of joy. The truth of that couldn’t be clearer than when you are walking with infertility. But if I focused on comparing my path to being a mama with everyone else’s, I would miss….everything. I would put distance between us at a time when I need their companionship the most. I would miss out on the depth and richness of friendships that I treasure. I would live my life with everyone at arm’s distance, suspended between the need for connection and the wall of my pain. That’s no way to live. I choose to be present in my relationships. I choose to be vulnerable. I choose to be brave.

{THIS TIME}

 

I had a “voice of God” moment last week. I was cleaning my office desk and glanced at the cork board hanging above. Pinned there is the picture of our embryo, the one that won’t ever become the baby we asked for.

“I gave you this time for a reason”

I heard it loud and clear (in my head of course). I knew instantly it was a message from above. I am grateful to have heard His voice like this before and could recognize it. I stopped in my tracks, took a deep breath and whispered “thank you”.

God gave me THIS time for a reason. The message was both reassuring, there is purpose to the pain, and heavy. It felt almost like a command, a challenge. I’ve been wrestling with what to do with this knowledge. How do I make the most of this time if it was given to me for a reason? What does that look like? I don’t want to waste it.

Two bible verses have popped up this week since hearing that voice. They seem to reaffirm that there is a purpose to this season. Urging me to be patient and to keep moving forward.

James 1:2-4  Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Genesis 50:20 You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.

This time is preparing me.

This time is being worked for good.

This time is making me better.

I’ve been talking about my big dreams on Instagram a lot lately. Dreams to build a business that makes an impact in people’s lives. Dreams to write my story so that other people can embrace theirs. Dreams to quit my day job, but still provide financially. Dreams to be able to be more present for Austin and my husband. Dreams to be an example of bravery, authenticity and hard work for my family. Dreams to become the best version of myself- the one God had in mind when he created me.

Big, scary dreams. I’ve been asking for a lot.

So, maybe God is saying: “I gave you this time to prepare you for all those big dreams you’ve been asking me about.”

I don’t know for sure why this time was given to us. I certainly would rather it wasn’t given. I’d rather be pregnant and adding another baby to those big dreams.

But I am trusting that, just like God wove Joseph’s trials and heartaches for good (Book of Genesis), mine too will be used for good.

And what bigger dream could there be than creating some piece of goodness in this world?

Busy Mama Makeup Routine

1 Comment

Y’all – in my pre-mama days I would spend enormous amounts of time in front of the mirror doing my makeup in the morning. I actually really enjoy doing makeup. It’s fun to play with color combos and eyeliner. But this season of my life really doesn’t leave me with much time to paint my face. That being said, I  still want to look put-together when I walk out the door.

Let me introduce you to the Flawless in Five set from Beautycounter. This makeup routine takes me less than 5 minutes and I do it in the car on most days. It has totally simplified my beauty routine and I’m always impressed with how it perks up my face without being overdone. It is an absolute busy mama must-have!

Before I tell you about the set in detail, let me spend a minute telling you why safer makeup is so important. Makeup sits on our skin all day long and touches some of the most sensitive areas like our eyes and mouths. We are absolutely absorbing the ingredients that our makeup is made out of. The build up of toxic ingredients over time in our bodies is proving to have serious negative impacts on our health; things like cancer, infertility and hormone issues and autoimmune diseases.

Most drugstore/department store makeup contains harmful ingredients like parabens, fragrance, SLS and heavy metals to name a few. Beautycounter makeup contains none of that. In fact, they promise to never use over 1,500 harmful ingredients in any of their products. That’s way more than the US or the EU has banned.

But, Nicole. I’ve tried “natural makeup” and it just … sucks.

Yes, that can be true. But let me tell you, Beautycounter is the real deal. Our stuff is high performing- used on the red carpet by celebs like Connie Britton and Alessandra Ambrosio. It. Is. So. Good.

Check out how easy this is:

So here is the rundown…

For $150 you can get everything you need to have a flawless, simple yet put-together look in under 5 minutes! Clean out your makeup bag!

The Flawless in Five Set includes:

Tint Skin Hydrating Foundation– a hydrating, creamy formula that is actually good for your skin. It’s buildable for light to medium coverage. I’ve worn it for many professional pictures and formal events with great results!

Touchup Skin Concealer Pen– like a magic eraser for my tired eyes (along with the Rejuvenating Eye Cream)

Color Define Brow Pencil– brows have become my favorite makeup! They instantly make my face look alive and dare I say… younger 😉

Mascara- pick lengthening or volumizing. Both are fantastic. It took us 3 years to formulate a safe and effective mascara!

Satin Powder Blush– the texture and staying power of our powders is crazy. They are made with butterpowder which feels as dreamy as it sounds.

Lip Gloss– another must-have. I love the texture- not sticky! It’s a moisturizing formula so I actually have stopped using lip balm. The scent is a yummy vanilla made from REAL VANILLA.

The colors are fully customizable! I can help you color match. Just send me an email or DM on Insta 💕

Of course you can buy these items separately, but your getting an amazing deal if you buy them as a set. If you love eyeshadow and liner- add the Get the Look set to your cart and you’re literally set for makeup!

If you’re not sure how your current makeup stacks up on terms of how clean it is, look it up on the EWG Skin Deep Database and see what you’re working with.

Looking and feeling great doesn’t have to involve hours in front of the mirror. Six products, five minute, flawless face!

XO, Nicole

Simplifying Back to School: Part 3 {routines}

“Embracing chaos might be the journey we take to finding peace” – Rachel Hollis

Can I get an amen?!?!

As a true INFP (Myers Briggs!) I struggle with routine, structure, rules, step-by-step ANYTHING. It’s not my natural inclination and when you add a heap of inner rebel {don’t tell me what to do} it makes following any sort of daily/weekly schedule near impossible. The harder I try to white knuckle my way through sticking to a strict schedule the more I end up with a tension headache and less accomplished than if I had just winged it. It’s also one of the quickest ways to send me into storm of negative self-talk and anxiety:

“Why must you ALWAYS fail at this one, Nicole? If you just tried harder and weren’t so lazy, You never follow through on what you say you’re gonna do. You are sucking at this mom thing- don’t you know that kids need structure?! Everyone else can stick to the schedule and do it all, all the time, perfectly- why can’t you?”

I literally laughed as I wrote that because it sounds so ridiculous when you say it out loud. SO MANY LIES! But somewhere along the line I had internalized that the women who were really winning at life were the ones who could follow their planned out life to a tee and never dropped the ball. I don’t know any of those women in real life though…I think the internet created her??

Alas, I do recognize that structure and routine can be very helpful in getting things done. I have a lot of roles and responsibilities these days {coach’s wife, mom, high school counselor, Beautycounter consultant, friend, daughter, sister…} and if I want to bring my best self to each day, I have found that a **LOOSE** plan for each day and a few simple routines do help me tackle my to do list. More importantly, they help me stay positive and motivated and help prevent me from burning out.

Here are some of my tips and tricks:

Plan only the week ahead.  When I am in a place of anxiety, I will try to plan each day of the rest of my life, knowing full well I won’t follow any of the plan I just made, which stresses me even more. So I’ve committed to only planning out my week ahead. Of course the big calendar events get planned ahead of time, but the little details, like when I’ll be hitting the gym and when I’ll fit in paying the bills happens on Sunday.

Prioritize the things that matter most. Know your goals and the things that fill your life with joy. Make sure you are planning in a way that lets you have those things in your life. Don’t expect to do them all in one week though. I can’t have a date night, girls night, family time, me time, workout 3-4 times and spend solid time working on my business all in the same week. But, I can pick what is most important and add one or two into my week. So maybe this week we get a date night and I really need some solid biz time so I schedule longer chunks of time for those two. Then, instead of girls night I can call a girlfriend on my commute home and make one of my workouts a walk to the park with Austin- my neighborhood hill is a killer.

Be careful what you commit to. Don’t make promises (including to yourself!) that you won’t realistically keep. If that means you only hit the gym 2 times this week instead of your wishful thinking 5–so be it. Better to feel good for hitting your small goal than beat yourself up for failing to hit the one that was never going to happen anyway.

Have a set wake up and bedtime. Don’t let them be compromised. I’ll be honest, this is a work in progress. I LOVE MY SLEEP. Going to bed early is no problem. Waking up early, not so much. But, I notice a huge difference in my day when I go to bed at a reasonable hour and wake up early. I aim for 10pm bedtime and 5:30am wake time.

Streamline your morning routines so you can get the day started on a positive note:

  • Start with a little me time- fill your cup first. For me, that looks like a little time in a devotional and prayer (currently loving 100 Days to Brave), writing down my goals and what I’m grateful for and setting a priority list for the day.
  • Simplify your beauty routine (check out my routine here!)! I used to spend way more time in front of the mirror, but I’d rather spend it sipping coffee in silence before little man wakes up. Beautycounter’s Flawless in Five makes looking put together so easy! Most days I do my makeup in my car. If you can- let your hair air dry. I know my hair could look better if I styled it, but I pull it into a bun most days anyway.
  • Try taking a shower the night before and make that be bath time for the little one. Two birds, one stone. #winning
  • Make sure you have easy, portable breakfast options for the family. I don’t cook in the morning-ever.

 

 

Have just a few non-negotiable afternoon routines – these are mine:

  • Spend at least 15 minutes just playing with Austin. Getting lost in play with my son will ground me and uplift me every time. He soaks up the quality time and I really think it makes a difference in his behavior through the evening.
  • While making dinner, make lunches and tackles dishes. Then be done with the kitchen. I keep meals simple so that I’m spending the least amount of time in the kitchen as possible. You can read more about my meal planning here.
  • Set out as much as you can the night before – clothes, fill water bottles, purse, kids backpack, gym bag, setup coffee maker, etc. I spend about 10 minutes running through my mental checklist of things I’ll need in the morning and just speed through it.
  • Bring bags to the car so you aren’t juggling all the things AND a toddler {but don’t leave valuables in the car. People can still be jerks}
  • Spend 10 minutes before bed writing down what you’re grateful for that day. Gratitude is the key to basically everything- I swear. I just bought this Five Minute Journal to use in my morning and evening routine and I am really excited about it!

There you have it. If I try to get more planned out than that, I set myself up for failure. Because come on… no two days are the same when you’re juggling all the things, especially if you have kids in the mix. I believe as women we can have and become all the things we want, but we probably can’t have it all in one day, or even one season of life.  You have to be flexible and roll with it or else every day will end with frustration. Embrace the chaos, give yourself loads of grace, and focus on what matters most to you.

XO, Nicole

Learning to Recognize Myself Again :: Overcoming Shame and Anxiety

I had pineapple for breakfast recently. It’s not a normal food in my house (although I do love it) but supposedly it helps embryos implant after transfer so I had stocked up for my post-transfer meals.

Smells and tastes have a powerful connection to my memories and the leftover flavor of pineapple in my mouth transported me right back to breakfast with my host family in Costa Rica {ten whole years ago}

And for the first time, in a LONG time I didn’t think to myself – “gosh, where did that girl go?”

See, “Costa Rica Nicole” was adventurous, independent, driven by passion and BRAVE. I set off all on my own to explore a country I didn’t know, to serve a community I could tangibly help and…to learn to surf. I spent 3 weeks traveling alone. Three weeks figuring it out on my own. And I was: fearless, confident… vibrant. I look at pictures of me on that trip and I know that was absolutely a “best version” of myself. In all honesty, for the last 10 years I’ve been looking back on those pictures wondering where that girl went and how I could get her back.

Not too long after that solo trip, I got engaged, graduated with my masters, got married, moved to a new state and…lost sight of that girl. My life got flip turned upside down {get it- hehe} and while it was filled with all great things, I struggled to find myself in that new season.

June 2010

I became fearful, unsure and deeply ashamed of myself because of it. I was SUPPOSED to be “Costa Rica Nicole” and I was so embarrassed that I wasn’t her anymore. My inner voice was loud and mean, but I struggled silently for years.  When our little boy was born, after an infertility diagnosis and going through IVF, the underlying feelings of self doubt, unworthiness and shame blew up into postpartum anxiety. I spent many days crying on the floor of my bathroom holding my newborn, who I loved more than life and had fought harder for than I ever thought was possible, asking what the hell was wrong with me? Why was it so overwhelming to take a damn shower? I didn’t tell anyone about those mornings on the floor- in my mind I was supposed to be this uber-capable supermom, and it killed me that I was struggling so much. No one could know.

Of course, the cracks showed and my husband was pretty aware that his wife wasn’t doing so great at this point. I wish I could tell you that one day a light bulb went off and everything got better, but it wasn’t like that. It was a painfully slow process. At one point I went to a therapist, but I didn’t continue…because I was too embarrassed to tell my family, who was in town helping take care of A while I went back to work. Oh the irony, a counselor embarrassed to go to counseling. As much as I didn’t want to go back to work, I have to admit that it helped. It reminded me that I was capable and valuable in at least one area of my life. I was good at work. I didn’t feel like I was good at much else in my life. In my mind I was a failure in so many ways. I recognize now that it wasn’t remotely true, but those lies are powerful when you’re in the thick of it.

Not long after I had Austin I had this crazy nagging in my mind for over a month that I needed to become a consultant for this amazing safer beauty brand that I had fallen in love with {enter Beautycounter}. I had no business adding more to my plate but I joined anyway. It plugged me into this community of empowered and encouraging women. And since they were all reading these “self-help” books, I figured I should start reading them too. So, I started listening to Audible and podcasts. Present Over Perfect was a balm for my heart. I’ve listened to it 3 more times since then and it always grounds me. One Thousand Gifts helped me see God’s gifts in the simple and the hard. The Power of Vulnerability gave me strength to break free from who I “should be” and just embrace who I am. Girl, Wash Your Face gave me the kick in the a$$ to finally start this blog and hustle for my dreams. Eventually, the voice in my head started to sound more like these amazing authors and less like…mean old me.

I started to eat right {most of the time} and take some supplements that helped get my gut health in order {shout out to Plexus}. Eventually I started working out and discovered I actually did like the gym- go figure. (Thank you Faster Way to Fat Loss.) I had been telling myself that lie for a long time (eye-roll).

I took up a morning devotional that I stick to about 75% of the time. Time spent with God and with gratitude is always the answer.

I made the choice to give myself grace instead of holding myself to a crazy supermom standard.

I am working on being intentional about slowing down and enjoying time with my family or time alone instead of always feeling like I have to be productive. The compulsion is real, y’all.

I made a promise to myself that I would never stop fighting to get back to a place of self-love. To get back to a me that I recognized and felt proud of.

And it worked. Little by little I started to see victories where I used to see failure. I still fight the “shame gremlins” as Brené Brown would call them. I still struggle and I still have anxiety. But, today I am able to make brave “Costa Rica Nicole” choices everyday, instead of hide, paralyzed by fear. Today, I can roll with the punches a little easier. I can laugh at my mistakes and learn from them, because GROWTH is my mindset. I try to greet each day with a positive attitude and believe I am capable of anything I put my mind to because I’ve seen it happen before. I cut myself some slack in the areas that don’t really matter to me (like having a perfectly clean home) but I’m determined to never again break a promise I make to myself or my family because those things matter most. I’m grateful that I did this work, especially as we face this failed IVF cycle. I can’t imagine how I would be coping if I hadn’t.

I’ve now realized that I was far from alone in my struggles, especially after birth. A staggering 50%-75% of women struggle with some level of postpartum anxiety or depression. Women who faced infertility prior to having a baby are even more likely to experience PPD/PPA.

And yet, I was so embarrassed. If only I had known. If only I had known someone else who was talking about it. So, I am talking about it now. If you can relate, know you are not alone and trust that you will get through this. It will take work and it won’t happen overnight. Reach out to people you trust. Feed your heart, mind and soul with positive words, images, and sounds. Turn off the negative. Start small and take it one day at a time. Little things add up to big things and one day you’ll realize the fog has lifted and you can breathe again. You can recognize yourself again.

If you don’t know where to start- read these books. I am literally forever grateful to Shauna, Ann, Brené and Rachel. They do not disappoint. I am praying for you sweet mama. I believe in you.

Present over Perfect by Shauna Niequist

One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp

The Power of Vulnerability (and literally anything by Brené Brown. She should be required reading)

Girl. Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis

SaveSave

SaveSave

SaveSave

SaveSave

Fighting for Breath

When I was young, maybe 6 or 7, I fell on the playground and landed on my back. It was the first time I got the wind knocked out of me and I still remember that feeling of gasping for  breath, knowing it was there, but unable to feel the relief.

It’s hard to comprehend the peace and confidence I felt through our recent IVF cycle now that we are facing the reality of it’s failure. I find myself thinking how naive I was to think it would just be easy this time…pop a few pills, let Dr. K work his magic… I mean it worked the first time obviously it will work this time (insert palm to forehead emoji)

But in all honesty, it never occurred to me that I wouldn’t be pregnant right now. I truly thought and felt with confidence and peace, that this was going to work. I mean of course I knew that there was a chance it wouldn’t, but that never felt like a real possibility.

We took a spur of the moment “let’s escape reality” trip to Disney this past weekend. It was good for us to be together and away, but as the weekend went on, the shock of it all started to wear off and even the happiest place on earth couldn’t keep my heart from aching.

I sat at work on Monday plotting out my college workshop program for the spring and as I flipped the calendar page into April it was like the “L” reached out and punched me in the gut. I’m not supposed to be at work in April. I’m supposed to be at home, loving on a newborn and adjusting to life with two. I know that kind of sucker-punch will continue as we move through the year and face all the things I had planned to be pregnant or have a newborn for. I find myself praying, with absolute admiration, for the women who carried children much longer than I did and lost them, who face would-be birthdays and holidays and small moments in time and have to cope with the fact that their child isn’t here with them. I’m sure the longer a baby is carried, the harder the loss is. That doesn’t diminish our loss, but it gives me some perspective, too. One in four women will experience pregnancy loss. That’s a lot of us. That’s a lot of strong freaking women.

The more I read about HCG levels in IVF and chemical pregnancies and implantation, etc…the more I realize how true it is when we call Austin our miracle baby.  You don’t often see a successful pregnancy with numbers that started as low as his did. I’m not sure what it means for us that both our embryos started with low numbers. One made it and one didn’t…so many questions with so few answers. That’s the way it is with infertility… a lot of unanswered questions.

People keep asking what our next steps are. I honestly don’t know. We will absolutely try again, but our failed cycle has knocked the wind out of me. What I thought I knew has shifted and I’m just trying to catch my breath. On some days it feels like my defenses are up and I am building walls so I don’t get hurt again. On other days it feels like I am just taking a moment of silence to sit with God and really feel my way through this, allowing all the things to flow through me while God holds me by my right hand as he has promised. I fight for those days, through my sadness; I fight to hold on to God even when I don’t really want to, even when I’m angry with him, even when I can’t see him clearly. I fight because he has always fought for me.

I learned on that playground long ago that if you fight hard enough, gasp long enough, the air will once again fill your lungs and you will return to the jungle gym ready to swing on the monkey bars again.  I’ll get there. We will get there.