Tag: brave

All things FASTer Way to Fat Loss

I’ve spent the majority of my life feeling at war with my body. Like many women, I wanted to feel good in my skin, healthy and energetic. Over the years I had tried EVERYTHING. Each “diet program” always left me feeling not good enough, defeated, overwhelmed and hungry! After battling infertility and giving birth to my {miracle} son, I found myself deep in postpartum anxiety, exhausted in all the ways and pretty hopeless that I’d be able to make a change, because nothing had ever worked before. I just didn’t believe I had it in me to change my health.

I heard about the FASTer Way to Fat Loss through a friend on IG and something felt right. By week 3 of my first 6 week round, I knew this program was the real deal. No one was telling me to starve myself, cut out whole food groups, or live on shakes. The gym, which used to be that mean girl in my head’s favorite place to show up, became a place of pride. I remember looking in the mirror one day and my first thought being, “eff yeah!” instead of “eww” — that’s powerful. The program was DOABLE and fit my busy life without stressing me out. For the first time ever, I BELIEVED that I could actually improve my health for the long haul.

I’m gonna be totally honest, I don’t remember how many inches I lost, but I can tell you what I’ve gained through the FASTer Way: 

  • Confidence
  • Strength
  • Clarity
  • Energy

The mindset, confidence and energy I gained spilled over into every other area of my life- I finally felt like I was able to show up for my life as the woman I was made to be. More than anything else though, I learned how to take care of me BECAUSE I love myself, not SO THAT I can love myself. I set out to change my health; what I did was change my life. 

So you’re asking… is FWTFL for me?

You’re a strong, smart, capable woman who wants to show up for her life in a big way. 

You take care of everyone around you and contribute to your family and community.

You WANT to put yourself first because you know you can’t pour from an empty cup.

BUT…

You have low energy, feel like you can’t keep up with your never ending to do list and you are exhausted.

You’re feeling stuck, lost, and unsure of how to shed the extra weight you’re holding onto.

You’re busy, overwhelmed with where to start, and thinking you couldn’t possibly have the time.

You’ve heard and tried everything to lose weight. You’ve tried every diet and fitness routine only to see limited results that make you feel depleted, hungry, low on energy, and at your wits end.

What you really need is something that will put you back in control, give you confidence, and that is sustainable for life.  

SO IF YOU’RE READY TO:  

  • Stop dieting
  • Stop yo-yoing
  • Stop feeling frustrated
  • See real results
  • Look and feel your very best  

Then you’re ready for the FASTer Way To Fat Loss®! We’ll reach your goals in a simple, doable way and give you all the tools to make health a lifestyle.  

IN THE FASTER WAY TO FAT LOSS®, YOU WILL:

  • Learn how to fuel your body effectively to maintain optimal energy levels throughout the day.
  • Teach your body to burn fat naturally. 
  • Be given the tools you need to restructure and repair your metabolic system and increase your metabolism.
  • Improve your hormone levels so you feel satiated.
  • Learn how to workout in a smart, effective and efficient way.

You will leave the FASTer Way to Fat Loss® feeling leaner, stronger, healthier, and more energetic than you’ve ever felt before. You will leave the FASTer Way to Fat Loss with the tools you need to feel that way for life! 

You’ve got this!

REGISTER HERE

WHAT DOES MY PROGRAM INVESTMENT OF $199 INCLUDE?

  • A convenient 6 week program that fits your busy schedule
  • A comprehensive program guide with resources to help you thrive including sample meal plans, a detailed program overview, and video interviews
  • Prep week with trainings to set you up for success
  • Weekly workout plans which can be completed at the gym or at home
  • Accountability and a supportive approach that keeps you on track to accomplish your goals
  • Affordable package option that is among the lowest cost option you’ll find (only $199 total)
  • Me: your certified FWTFL coach to encourage and hold you accountable along the way!

You’ve got questions, I’ve got answers…

WHAT IS CARB CYCLING?

A carb cycling program is an intentional variation of carbohydrate intake each week. Most carb cycling plans consist of high carb days and low carb days. The FASTer Way To Fat Loss pairs our carb cycle with the workouts we will be doing to maximize fat burn and energy levels.  

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WHY CARB CYCLE?

Long term restriction of carbohydrates and calories can lower your metabolic rate and negatively affect your hormone levels. This is a big reason women find themselves at one of those weight loss plateaus. For a short period of time a significantly restrictive diet will bring you results, however, over time it will cause your metabolic rate to decrease. Once that happens, you will see your weight loss stop and will need to restrict calories even further to lose more weight, thus lowering your metabolic rate once again. Not only is this a terribly unhealthy way to live, it is also incredibly frustrating.  

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WHAT DOES CARB CYCLING DO?

Carb cycling allows for planned high carb days that increase your thyroid output and help you control hunger. Because you are cycling your carbs, you will also have low carb days that offset your high carb days. With this type of cycle you will continue to see fat loss, increased energy levels and improvements to your overall body composition. Carb cycling improves insulin levels, helping your body store less fat. When paired with intermittent fasting and effective workouts, carb cycling can help you break through those dreaded plateaus so you can truly look and feel your very best.  

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WHAT IS INTERMITTENT FASTING?

Intermittent fasting is not a type of diet, but an eating schedule. Your body is always in one of two states: fed or fasted. In the fed state (any time your body is digesting food), your body’s insulin levels make burning fat a challenge. However, in the fasted state (8-12 hours after your body finishes digesting), your insulin levels are lower and better able to reach into your fat stores. People rarely go into a fasted state throughout the day. In fact, the traditional theory of several small meals per day keeps us from ever reaching the fasted state. In addition, that type of eating schedule regularly spikes our insulin levels, which also hinders fat loss. So, while eating several small meals per day can lead to weight loss (calorie deficits always do), you will likely be losing both muscle and fat. When you lose calorie burning muscle, you lower your metabolic rate and make it harder for your body to burn fat. You also might become frustrated because you never feel toned and fit even though you are working out and eating clean.

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SO, YOU DON’T EAT?

Not exactly. In the FASTer Way to Fat Loss, we have eating windows combined with our high and low carb days. We eat all of the time! We simply confine our eating to a shorter window throughout the day, allowing our bodies to enter into the fasted state.  

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WILL I BE FASTING DAILY?

Yes. This program is called the FASTer Way to Fat Loss because we focus on implementing cutting edge nutrition strategies like intermittent fasting. We will be fasting daily. 

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IS IT OK TO PARTICIPATE IN THE FASTER WAY TO FAR LOSS IF I AM BREASTFEEDING?

Yes! Not only did I breastfeed through FASTer Way to Fat Loss, but so did the creator, Amanda Tress, with no negative impacts to supply.  If you are breastfeeding, we will modify your low carb days and be very diligent about your water intake. If you are focused on whole food nutrition and you’re well hydrated, and you’re EATING ENOUGH CALORIES, you won’t see a decrease in milk supply. We will be sure to check on your caloric intake because when you are living in too big of a calorie deficit and doing crazy, intense workouts, your milk supply can absolutely be affected. The FASTer Way to Fat Loss is designed to fuel your body in a way that is perfectly safe for nursing moms. 

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DO I NEED TO PURCHASE ANY SHAKES OR SUPPLEMENTS TO PARTICIPATE IN THIS PROGRAM?

No! Throughout the program we will talk about the importance of probiotics, protein and other supplements like BCAA’s. While I am happy to share the products I use and love, none of them are required to participate. I am a huge proponent of fueling your body with real food and this program is based on that premise. Nothing is required but hard work, commitment and positivity. 

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HOW IS THIS PROGRAM DIFFERENT FROM OTHER FASTER WAY TO FAT LOSS PROGRAMS?

As a certified FASTer Way to Fat Loss coach, I have all the training and content needed to run the FASTer Way To Fat Loss effectively. In addition, I have gone through the program and experienced incredible results. I know how to stay motivated when these strategies seem overwhelming. I know how rewarding it feels to finally see some results. I’ve been in your shoes and know what you need. This program will deliver everything the FASTer Way offers and I will be there to cheer you on along the way! 

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AM I A GOOD FIT FOR THIS PROGRAM?

This program is for women only (men can invest in the program but can’t be in any of the Facebook Groups). In addition, this program has been incredibly successful for women who have a foundation of working out and under 60 pounds to lose. This program is challenging and will require commitment. If you have more than 60 pounds to lose and have not worked out in a long time, then we can make the program work for you, but it will require some modifying. If that’s you, I will have you start with our nutritional cycle then ease you into our workouts. I truly want you to see results, but I also want you to be safe and remain injury free. So, if you have more than 60 pounds to lose, we will move a little more slowly, but will eventually be able to ease you into the full program and lifestyle over time. 

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IF I AM ALREADY A MEMBER OF A GYM AND DOING REGULAR CLASSES, OR IF I AM MEETING WITH A PERSONAL TRAINER, CAN I JUST CONTINUE WITH MY CURRENT WORKOUTS AND USE YOUR FOOD CYCLE?

My honest answer to this question is: If what you are currently doing was working extremely well, you wouldn’t be looking into this program. If you were seeing incredible results, and were truly passionate about your current lifestyle, you would not be searching for other solutions. This program is designed to work as a whole. We pair our nutritional cycle with our workouts, because that is what gets the very best results. It is absolutely critical that we are fueling our bodies for our workouts, and teaching them how to burn fat instead of glucose throughout the day. If you belong to a gym like Orangetheory, are doing Pilates, Yoga or Barre, then I highly recommend you do our workouts for the first few weeks. I definitely want you to keep doing workouts you love, so I’m all for you adding yours in. However, it is important that we discuss what you are doing so that we can make sure your food cycle is matched accordingly. If you are working with a personal trainer, I would obviously want you to continue with that, but again would have you look at your food cycle to ensure you are eating the right amount on the days you are working out!

DO I NEED A GYM MEMBERSHIP TO COMPLETE THE FASTER WAY TO FAT LOSS?

The FASTer Way offers both a gym and at-home workout versions.Both are equally effective and you are welcome to do either. 

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DO I HAVE TO FOLLOW A STRICT MEAL PLAN?

We provide guidelines for each day of our food cycle. For example, on low carb day I will indicate that your goal is to consume less than 50g net carbs. I will explain how to calculate your macros (carbs, fats, protein) and also give you a sample meal plan and recipes. However, you will have the flexibility to consume the foods you truly enjoy. 

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AM I REQUIRED TO BE ON FACEBOOK TO JOIN THE PROGRAM? 

I host the FASTer Way To Fat Loss community groups on Facebook. Most of my clients choose to join a Facebook community group for daily tips and accountability. While I do recommend you join a Facebook group, it is not required for participation in the program. 

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Stay Brave! xo, Nicole

::When Hope Hurts::

“Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.” Friedrich Nietzsche

Well geez, Nicole, that’s a little dark. 

I know… and it’s not my usual outlook, but today, I’m angry at hope. I’m angry at the small, tiny voice of hope that says “what if”. What if you really are pregnant this time and not just late?

Of course I’m not. The red streak on that wad of toilet paper confirmed it for me just moments ago.

I’m angry that despite all logic, all knowing, all the years of irregular cycles that tell me this is just another late cycle…despite it all…I google the symptoms, I count the days, I negotiate when I will actually pee on that stupid stick…if I make it until Saturday morning I’ll test.  It’s Friday afternoon. 

I’m angry that I still, after all the needles and dollars and dates with ‘wanda’, I still found myself feeling giddy and daydreaming about how I would tell my husband that we were pregnant– on our own.

I still calculated the due date and wondered if maybe we wouldn’t find out the gender until the baby was born. I still allowed myself to believe it was possible.

Hope. Today I wish I could silence her tiny but unyielding voice. Today I wonder if I will spend the rest of my life, at least my pre-menopausal life, facing the heartbreak of hoping despite all odds that I’m actually pregnant this time. 

Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow I will embrace hope, love hope, believe in the necessity of hope.

But not today.

 

 

Comin’ Home

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713FD137-DE02-4E7E-BFA4-BC423B29A7A2Oh hey! I know, I’ve taken a lot hiatus from blogging. But I’m back! Since the last time I wrote a lot of life has happened (hence the blogging had to take a backseat) so I figured a life update would be a good place to start. Here’s the bullet point version:

  • April- began 3rd frozen embryo transfer cycle (FET) with a new doctor
  • May – transferred a perfect embryo, but it ended with a negative test
  • June- Hubby got let go from job so we sell half our belongings, put the other half in storage and move in with my parents in NorCal
  • July- Hubby gets new coaching job in the Bay Area so we are staying put

Kinda makes your head spin, huh? It certainly felt like life decided to throw it all a us at once, just to see how tough we really are. Just to test our faith, see how we would handle it all. 

Our FET cycle was pretty rough on me physically-more than I remember the other cycles ever being. From the moment I started the birth control pills I was nauseous, dizzy, tired…ugh! I’ll save the whole story for another blog post. I learned a lot, faced some fears (like giving myself progesterone injections) and ultimately ended up heartbroken with another negative pregnancy test. 

We barely had time to begin grieving our loss when our life…got flipped turned upside-down 😉

My husband and the rest of the coaching staff at CSUN got let go. These things happen. Of course I have all sorts of feelings on the injustice of it all, but ultimately, in coaching things are never guaranteed. We knew at some point in his career this would probably happen. You never expect it to happen on a Thursday morning, a week after a failed FET cycle when you were supposed to go camping the next day. We did the math and despite my stable counseling job, the only thing that made sense financially was to move in with my parents back in my hometown. 

It’s funny… for months I had been praying a little prayer under my breath.. “Lord, get us out of here” Just like that. Blunt. To the point. Daily. It’s hard to fully explain; our life in SoCal was wonderful in so many ways, but I was tired. Tired of hopping on the hamster wheel every morning and hopping off exhausted at the end of the night just to do it all over again the next day. I was struggling to show up for myself and my family the way I wanted. The vision I have for my family didn’t look much like the life we were living. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful. We were and are blessed beyond comprehension, yet I know there is something different for us. I wanted out. Out of the rat race, out of California with it’s crazy taxes and policies, out of feeling like I’d never catch my breath.

Well, God answered, but not how I had envisioned he would. Typical. About a week after we moved in to my parents home, my husband was offered a coaching position at St. Mary’s College…right up the road (okay, an hour with traffic) from my parents. I attended SMC for my masters degree; my hubby had worked there as one of his very first baseball jobs. It’s a great place. 

I should have felt nothing but excitement- we were home! But, I’ll be honest, that wasn’t how I felt at first. I didn’t (and still don’t) know how we will make it financially in the uber expensive bay area when it’s time to leave my parents home. We’ll likely be here for a year. I don’t know where another baby fits in with this new chapter. I don’t know how the quality of life I’m craving for my family can exist here for the long term. And the control freak in me was having a really hard time reconciling it all. 

But then, we took Austin for ice cream at the dairy…

The dairy, for anyone who isn’t from here, is a drive-thru mini market that has been around for decades. Growing up, we would ride our bikes to the dairy for a 50¢ ice cream cone. To me, those cones taste like freedom, and friendship, and comfort. Everything good about growing up in Pleasanton exists in one lick of that ice cream cone. And there was so much goodness growing up here. 

We walked hand in hand with our son down main street with our cones and I could feel the weight of all the “what if’s” and “how will we’s” lifting. I have no idea what the future holds for us, but for now, we get to give our son a piece of the childhood I loved. He gets to wake up every morning and hug his grandparents. He gets to see his other grandparents and all his aunts and uncles way more often. I get to call up my besties for a random playdate on a Tuesday afternoon. I have dreamed of that for the last 9 years.

With the weight of it all just a little bit less, I’ve been able to see this change with new eyes. God has us here for a reason. He answered my prayer in His way. This will be a season of trusting Him more deeply. This will be a season of staying PRESENT instead of planning. A season of drinking deep from the well of family and friendship. Filling our cups with all the sweetness of home. 

The only constant in baseball is its unpredictability. We may stay here for 10 years. We might have a new team next season. I have no way of knowing and no way of controlling it. So, here I am, learning to let go, to trust and to focus on all the blessings in front of me instead of looking towards a future I can’t control.

Here’s to a new chapter! Thanks for coming along for the ride.

XO, Nicole

:: You are the boss of your body ::

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Infertility, secondary infertility, ivf, csection, fertility doctor I have a general distrust of doctors. Between my psoriasis, struggles with constant yeast infections (sorry tmi), unexplained fatigue and difficulty losing weight, our infertility, my c-section and more, I have found my experiences to be mostly frustrating and unhelpful. I have felt unheard and dismissed by a doctor more times than I can count. I know there are good doctors out there, I have been treated by a few for sure, but the majority of my experience has not been positive. When we met Dr. K for our first infertility consultation, I was relieved to feel like he really cared for and invested in his patients.  This being an incredibly sensitive and expensive issue, having a doctor that we trusted was imperative. Our whole first round of IVF was a really positive experience from a patient care perspective. So, when we got the letter that he was leaving our old fertility clinic and starting his own, an hour drive from our home, we really didn’t have to think too hard about moving to his new clinic with him.

I struggle to even write the rest of this blog because I was honestly so surprised by our experience through this last cycle that I keep second guessing myself, wondering if I am just being too high maintenance, or trying to place blame for our failed cycle somewhere. But, I’ve been examining my feelings for a few months now, and had discussions with my husband and some other people I trust who understand infertility and I know that I am not just being “high maintenance”.

From start to finish this last cycle was disappointing from a patient care perspective. I had emailed with my nurse letting her know when we wanted to start our frozen embryo transfer cycle and what transfer date we wanted. I belabored over that transfer date longer than I cared to admit, wanting it to be perfect. We were timing it with baseball season so trying to hit a due date that wasn’t too close to an away game that was more than an hour or two away was pretty tricky. We landed on a due date of April 20th, Easter 2019. I loved the symbolism of that date so much. It felt right. I knew it was unlikely that the baby would actually be born on that date, but I loved that it was going to be the due date that we would announce and circle on our calendars and tell the world.  Our nurse emailed me back confirmation that we were good to go and the calendar of appointment dates, medication schedules, etc. A few days before our first appointment, I called the office to see what time my appointment was that day. My nurse was on vacation and it took a few days for someone to get back to me. Apparently I hadn’t been scheduled on the calendar for that day. They got me in anyway and we got the ball rolling. Everything was going great with my meds and my hormones and my lining and all that jazz, so on my last appointment before our transfer date, I asked another nurse (because mine was gone again) what time we needed to be there on transfer day- Friday. “Oh”, she said as she scrolled through her screens, “Dr. K is not going to be here on Friday, we need to move your transfer up to Tuesday.”

::Deep breath::

Transfer day was also specifically chosen because it was a Friday and gave me the weekend to be off my feet. Tuesday was the day before I went back to work for the school year. Not exactly ideal timing. I quickly called my husband to make sure his schedule would allow for Tuesday and after some rearranging we made it work. Again, trying not to be pushy or needy or cause an issue, we moved forward with the new transfer date. These things happen.

Transfer day came and we were greeted by the world’s grumpiest medical assistant. Her comment to me as she walked us back to our room was “you’ve done this before right? so I don’t need to really explain it”…ummm I did this almost 4 years ago lady. I wanted a valium because, hello- anxiety, and had to have Jordon go searching for someone to give it to me. When they told us to pick any radio station we wanted and we picked country music, our nurse apologized to Dr K for having country on… (that’s really all we needed to know about who we were dealing with haha #countryforlife) By the time it was all done, I was having to coach my husband to not to call this chick out on her bad attitude and cause a scene in the hallway.

Again I told myself “deep breath- it’s not that big of a deal. It’s okay”

My nurse had been emailing me my lab reports this whole cycle and I didn’t think much of it, but then she e-mailed me the results of my first beta. I had low numbers, but I had low ones with Austin too so I didn’t totally freak out- and then she e-mailed me again with the final answer. No, we weren’t pregnant. I hadn’t thought to ask for a phone call, but looking back now, a phone call would have been nice for news like that. Especially because I can’t exactly control when I will see an e-mail pop up. I saw that email come through at about 1 pm, the middle of my school day. If I could have chosen when to pick up the phone or listen to a voicemail, I probably could have avoided crying on the floor in the corner of my office so that no students would peek in the window and see me. It wasn’t a great time to go over their college essays with them.

The icing on the cake was that it took me almost 6 weeks of calling or emailing almost every other day to get the SIMPLE paperwork I needed to submit to our Flexible Spending Account to be reimbursed for part of this cycle. SIX WEEKS!

Still, I tried to push these feelings aside, chalk them up to a busy office. When I gathered my follow up questions in an e-mail a month later to ask Dr. K and received a very brief, to the point and rather dismissive email back that lacked any empathy, I knew we needed to look elsewhere to continue with our fertility treatments.

In November we had a consult with a new doctor at our old clinic. He sat down and took the time to really talk out our options, what things we might want to look into before another cycle, etc. The nurses seemed to be very detail oriented and friendly. Just this week I completed an endometrial biopsy and saline ultrasound per our new doctor’s suggestion. Guess what, I’ve got scar tissue hanging out in my uterus. It is likely from the c-section I had with Austin and it is quite likely a big factor in why our last embryo did not make it.  I’m so glad that we sought another doctor and another opinion. Dr. K was not going to take these steps. We would have had another failed cycle with him. It’s truly infuriating.

Csection, scar tissue, secondary infertility, hsg, saline ultrasound
Scar tissue from my c-section

So here is my take away, my one piece of advice for anyone out there fighting through infertility, or any medical issue, really:

There is no such thing as being high maintenance when it comes to your health and your body. You alone are responsible for it. You alone know what you need, what you don’t need, what feels okay and what does not feel okay. And you not only have the right to speak up and ask for what you need, you have the obligation to do so. No one else will do it for you. And if you do not have a doctor who will listen to your needs and respond in a proactive, empathetic and professional way….find someone else.   Listen to your gut and do not be afraid to speak up. As we tell our son “you are the boss of your body.”

I don’t know why I played small. Why not wanting to be an inconvenience felt more important. Why I chose to silence myself and accept less than I deserved. I do know that I will not be making that mistake again.

XO,

Nicole

Talking About Infertility

infertility, ivf, fertility

“So, what brings you in today?” the nurse asked me innocently.

“I … uhh. Well, ummm. I’m… ummmm.”

I stumble over my words. How do I put this? How do I start?

Finally I give up on finding the perfect word: “Well, uh, I have… infertility..?” I quickly start to share my life story to somehow give context to what I mean by that, to dissipate the tension in the room. She smiles trying to be kind and attentive, but it’s awkward for both of us.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about why we are so quiet about infertility. Why we hide behind secret Instagram profiles and Facebook groups. Why there are people in our daily lives who have no clue what we are going through. This exchange explains it all. Everything about infertility from the language we use, to the shots we inject ourselves with, is awkward, painful, hard. We can barely find words to describe it or define it, how are we supposed to be open about it?

I mean really- when put in a situation where we need to introduce the idea of our infertility here are some of the options that run through my mind:

“I am infertile.” (I mean, that’s just cruel)

“I have infertility” (I don’t think you can actually “have” infertility… you know, grammar and all)

“I’m reproductively challenged” (insert fake chuckle..humor is a great defense mechanism)

I usually opt for some version of “infertility journey”. Ha! Journey. As if somehow I chose this path. As if by traveling it there is some higher purpose. Some deeper, more meaningful reason for this. I like to think of it that way. It certainly it makes me feel better, and maybe there is truth to it too. But, I didn’t sign up for this trip and while I am determined to find joy and peace and gratitude in the midst of it, I’d get off this “journey” in an instant if I could.

I’ve made the deliberate decision to be open about this huge piece of my life with people, so more and more I find myself tripping over the words to use to tell people. Almost daily I get a question about when we will have another baby. I know I could easily brush off the questions with some reference to “God’s timing” and leave it at that. But, I don’t want to silence myself. I don’t want to brush off this question as insignificant when the truth is, it is one of the biggest, most complicated, cut to the core of my soul questions of my life.

infertility, ivf, iui, fertility

So, I keep stumbling through my words. And I keep filling the awkward space between me and the questioner with my best attempts at easing the tension while still honoring my story.

And after every single conversation I wrack my brain for a better way to put it. Better words. A better label. Something that doesn’t feel so obtuse rolling off my tongue.

I don’t know if I’ll ever find that better language. I do know that I won’t stop trying and I won’t stop talking. Owning my infertility is freaking hard and really delicate, but also incredibly healing and empowering.

How do you tell people about your infertility? Have you figured out a better way to talk about it? Give me all your suggestions!

::The Magic of Sharing::

brene brown courage owning your storySharing is hard. There isn’t a single day that goes by that I don’t second guess my choice to start this blog and be so open on social media and in my personal life about our infertility journey. It’s vulnerable. Imposter syndrome runs wild- Who am I to think anyone wants to hear what I have to say? Who am I to think what I share could help people? Who am I?

But this week hammered home the truth.

On Monday night I posted on Instagram about some of my feelings on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I couldn’t even believe what I saw when I opened my Insta the next morning. I had 300+ likes, a ton of heartfelt comments and a full inbox of messages. That only increased over the rest of the day. Every time I opened Insta I had dozens of notifications. Even my girl boss hero, THE Rachel Hollis had liked my post- what the what?! It’s not about the likes, that’s not why I’m on social media. But the response and the messages were proof that my story resonated. It touched people on some level. People were thanking me for sharing and telling me their own stories in return. I’m not sure if there is a more precious gift than someone sharing their heart with you. I’m humbled. And in turn, their stories and their kind words healed my heart just a little more.

But God wasn’t done making his point.

Today was Mass day at my Catholic school and the theme was “Speak Life” in honor of the Catholic “Respect Life Month”. Of course the topic of babies came up. Of course it hurt.

Remember that colleague who stopped me in the hall, pressing me on when I was going to give Little Man a sibling?…well that day in the hallway, instead of just brushing her off and saying “oh, someday,” I told her. I told her about IVF and I told her we had just lost one. The conversation was brief, and though she was kind I walked away wondering if I had said too much. I felt a little raw. Well, today at Mass she made it a point to come hug me during the Sign of Peace and tell me she has been praying for a baby for me. Cue the tears. If I had chosen to put my walls up and not tell her my story in the hallway that day, I’d be missing out on a prayer warrior in my corner. I had no idea that she has been praying for me all this time. What a blessing.

The Mass continued and at the very end they played a little video of two young children being told by their mom that “there is a baby in Mommy’s belly”. It was adorable. And it totally sucked. I took a deep breath to contain my emotions and as I looked up, another colleague was looking over at me, blowing me a kiss because she knew. She knew that that video, that this Mass, was hard and that it hurt.  She knew because she has seen my blog and my social media and we’ve talked about our shared experiences. To seal the deal she ran over to give me a hug before Mass ended. In an instant I went from silently shouldering my hurt alone, to being held, comforted and seen.

Sharing my life with others is worth it. Sharing builds community. Sharing helps others feel less alone, understood, in it together. Sharing allows the people in my life to show up for me and it opens up the space in my heart to receive the kind of love and support I need. Sharing helps me own my story and my life and gives me courage to show up as my authentic self. I’m sure I will still have moments of doubt on this journey. Times when I wonder if I’m just speaking into the black void of internet-land. Times when I worry that people are really just laughing at me, or rolling their eyes thinking “who does this chick think she is?” Maybe I will even be burned a time or two for being vulnerable. But I’m going to remember this week.

I started Brave Beauty Mama because God was YANKING (not just tugging) on my heart and this week He reaffirmed that I am on the right path. It might be super foggy up ahead of me, but I’m going to keep trusting this path that He has put me on.

Thank you for being a part of my community. For lifting me up and for trusting me with your stories too. What a beautiful thing to be connected to one another.

 

XO, Nicole

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

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I didn’t expect the tears today. I knew it was infant loss awareness day. I knew I’d want to say something about it. Light a candle. Say a prayer. But I didn’t think it would hit so hard. I’m not someone who really gets caught up in themed days. ⠀

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If I’m super honest there is a part of me that doesn’t feel like we fully belong to this group of grieving parents. Our sweet embryo baby only made his home on my womb for a few short days. He tried. A chemical pregnancy is what the doctor called it. ⠀

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But I have friends who have lost babies at 10 weeks. At 22 weeks. At birth. After… ⠀

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So much of me feels like our loss just doesn’t touch that kind of loss. And in a way I still think that’s true. ⠀

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But then I saw this image. And then the tears. Because no matter how short lived. No matter how teeny tiny that baby boy was, he still WAS. He existed. He was loved and wanted and he is no longer here. I haven’t cried for our loss in a while. I’ve been focusing on positive things and gratitude, but I’m gonna cry tonight and that’s okay. ⠀

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I’m crying tears for you too, mama. I am 1 in 4. ⠀

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Comparison is the Thief of Joy :: Friendships & Infertility

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I have a superpower. I can predict when my friends are pregnant before they tell me. I just have a sense, and no joke, about 2 weeks later, I always get the call. I think God gave me this superpower as a way to protect me and help me be a better friend. See, I get to process ahead of time the idea that my friends are pregnant and I {save for the 9 months that I was} am not and will struggle to get pregnant every time I want to. So, by the time they actually tell me, I can be present for that conversation. I can give them the response they deserve, my joy. I can save the tears for later so they don’t have to be burdened in their time of happiness.  I’m not always great at that part, despite my superpower, but I can certainly respond better than if I hadn’t been predicting it when they told me.

But you know what is really interesting, during that time before they tell me, I often fear that they won’t tell me because they are afraid to upset me, knowing what I am going through.  I have vivid dreams of running into them at the grocery store, their belly clearly pregnant, and despite having spoken recently, they hadn’t told me. It’s almost a worse feeling than that of them being pregnant when I am not.

What would it say about me if the people I love don’t think I can handle hearing their joy in the midst of my pain? I want to be someone who can love my friends exactly where they are at, no matter where I am at.

Because here’s the thing, it always stings. It doesn’t matter if they get pregnant in the thick of my struggle or while I’m pregnant and in the height of joy. I literally was holding my newborn in my arms when I found out a friend was pregnant and even then, even when I had my miracle baby safe in my arms, it stung. Infertility never stops hurting. One of my older friends is 25 years removed from her fertility struggles and she told me it still stings when she hears of people getting pregnant. It’s not logical anymore, but it’s real. The sense of being an outsider, of missing out on one of life’s most anticipated, longed for experiences in its fullness; I don’t think that ever goes away.

It shows up all the time- when hearing a birth story, at a kids birthday party, in a memory of a time we were all together, but I was still not pregnant, in a passing complaint about how hard pregnancy is, or how hard motherhood is, or how “oops she’s pregnant again”.  It will show up on a random Tuesday in the hallway at work when a well meaning colleague presses you about when you’re going to give your son a sibling- time is ticking you know. The sting feels the same whether it’s a stranger or my closest friend. The mom at the park who’s pregnant with her 4th, all the kids are less than 2 year apart and she looks…tired…ya, that hurts too.

It is always going to sting; I have a choice in how I deal with it. It doesn’t feel good to wallow in “Why them? Why not me?” It feels better to celebrate with them. It’s okay to cry about it. It’s okay to feel the sting, to acknowledge the pain and the unfairness of it all. But really, what good does it do me to take away from them the joy that I wish was mine? None. It does me no good. In fact, it only makes things worse.

And the truth of it is, every single one of them has their own pain. Things I wouldn’t wish upon them in a million years. Things I am grateful I haven’t had to walk. Things I’m not sure I would be able to cope with as insanely strong as they have. So feeling jealous, feeling sad, feeling angry…that is normal and has its place, but I could flip that around and they could have felt that way about my joys, too. We all have our stories. They become more bearable, and perhaps more meaningful, when we can walk alongside each other through the good and the bad, the highs and the lows. Being strong when they are weak, letting them be strong for me, when I am weak. I’m lucky to have found friends like that.

Comparison is the thief of joy. The truth of that couldn’t be clearer than when you are walking with infertility. But if I focused on comparing my path to being a mama with everyone else’s, I would miss….everything. I would put distance between us at a time when I need their companionship the most. I would miss out on the depth and richness of friendships that I treasure. I would live my life with everyone at arm’s distance, suspended between the need for connection and the wall of my pain. That’s no way to live. I choose to be present in my relationships. I choose to be vulnerable. I choose to be brave.

{THIS TIME}

 

I had a “voice of God” moment last week. I was cleaning my office desk and glanced at the cork board hanging above. Pinned there is the picture of our embryo, the one that won’t ever become the baby we asked for.

“I gave you this time for a reason”

I heard it loud and clear (in my head of course). I knew instantly it was a message from above. I am grateful to have heard His voice like this before and could recognize it. I stopped in my tracks, took a deep breath and whispered “thank you”.

God gave me THIS time for a reason. The message was both reassuring, there is purpose to the pain, and heavy. It felt almost like a command, a challenge. I’ve been wrestling with what to do with this knowledge. How do I make the most of this time if it was given to me for a reason? What does that look like? I don’t want to waste it.

Two bible verses have popped up this week since hearing that voice. They seem to reaffirm that there is a purpose to this season. Urging me to be patient and to keep moving forward.

James 1:2-4  Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Genesis 50:20 You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.

This time is preparing me.

This time is being worked for good.

This time is making me better.

I’ve been talking about my big dreams on Instagram a lot lately. Dreams to build a business that makes an impact in people’s lives. Dreams to write my story so that other people can embrace theirs. Dreams to quit my day job, but still provide financially. Dreams to be able to be more present for Austin and my husband. Dreams to be an example of bravery, authenticity and hard work for my family. Dreams to become the best version of myself- the one God had in mind when he created me.

Big, scary dreams. I’ve been asking for a lot.

So, maybe God is saying: “I gave you this time to prepare you for all those big dreams you’ve been asking me about.”

I don’t know for sure why this time was given to us. I certainly would rather it wasn’t given. I’d rather be pregnant and adding another baby to those big dreams.

But I am trusting that, just like God wove Joseph’s trials and heartaches for good (Book of Genesis), mine too will be used for good.

And what bigger dream could there be than creating some piece of goodness in this world?

Learning to Recognize Myself Again :: Overcoming Shame and Anxiety

I had pineapple for breakfast recently. It’s not a normal food in my house (although I do love it) but supposedly it helps embryos implant after transfer so I had stocked up for my post-transfer meals.

Smells and tastes have a powerful connection to my memories and the leftover flavor of pineapple in my mouth transported me right back to breakfast with my host family in Costa Rica {ten whole years ago}

And for the first time, in a LONG time I didn’t think to myself – “gosh, where did that girl go?”

See, “Costa Rica Nicole” was adventurous, independent, driven by passion and BRAVE. I set off all on my own to explore a country I didn’t know, to serve a community I could tangibly help and…to learn to surf. I spent 3 weeks traveling alone. Three weeks figuring it out on my own. And I was: fearless, confident… vibrant. I look at pictures of me on that trip and I know that was absolutely a “best version” of myself. In all honesty, for the last 10 years I’ve been looking back on those pictures wondering where that girl went and how I could get her back.

Not too long after that solo trip, I got engaged, graduated with my masters, got married, moved to a new state and…lost sight of that girl. My life got flip turned upside down {get it- hehe} and while it was filled with all great things, I struggled to find myself in that new season.

June 2010

I became fearful, unsure and deeply ashamed of myself because of it. I was SUPPOSED to be “Costa Rica Nicole” and I was so embarrassed that I wasn’t her anymore. My inner voice was loud and mean, but I struggled silently for years.  When our little boy was born, after an infertility diagnosis and going through IVF, the underlying feelings of self doubt, unworthiness and shame blew up into postpartum anxiety. I spent many days crying on the floor of my bathroom holding my newborn, who I loved more than life and had fought harder for than I ever thought was possible, asking what the hell was wrong with me? Why was it so overwhelming to take a damn shower? I didn’t tell anyone about those mornings on the floor- in my mind I was supposed to be this uber-capable supermom, and it killed me that I was struggling so much. No one could know.

Of course, the cracks showed and my husband was pretty aware that his wife wasn’t doing so great at this point. I wish I could tell you that one day a light bulb went off and everything got better, but it wasn’t like that. It was a painfully slow process. At one point I went to a therapist, but I didn’t continue…because I was too embarrassed to tell my family, who was in town helping take care of A while I went back to work. Oh the irony, a counselor embarrassed to go to counseling. As much as I didn’t want to go back to work, I have to admit that it helped. It reminded me that I was capable and valuable in at least one area of my life. I was good at work. I didn’t feel like I was good at much else in my life. In my mind I was a failure in so many ways. I recognize now that it wasn’t remotely true, but those lies are powerful when you’re in the thick of it.

Not long after I had Austin I had this crazy nagging in my mind for over a month that I needed to become a consultant for this amazing safer beauty brand that I had fallen in love with {enter Beautycounter}. I had no business adding more to my plate but I joined anyway. It plugged me into this community of empowered and encouraging women. And since they were all reading these “self-help” books, I figured I should start reading them too. So, I started listening to Audible and podcasts. Present Over Perfect was a balm for my heart. I’ve listened to it 3 more times since then and it always grounds me. One Thousand Gifts helped me see God’s gifts in the simple and the hard. The Power of Vulnerability gave me strength to break free from who I “should be” and just embrace who I am. Girl, Wash Your Face gave me the kick in the a$$ to finally start this blog and hustle for my dreams. Eventually, the voice in my head started to sound more like these amazing authors and less like…mean old me.

I started to eat right {most of the time} and take some supplements that helped get my gut health in order {shout out to Plexus}. Eventually I started working out and discovered I actually did like the gym- go figure. (Thank you Faster Way to Fat Loss.) I had been telling myself that lie for a long time (eye-roll).

I took up a morning devotional that I stick to about 75% of the time. Time spent with God and with gratitude is always the answer.

I made the choice to give myself grace instead of holding myself to a crazy supermom standard.

I am working on being intentional about slowing down and enjoying time with my family or time alone instead of always feeling like I have to be productive. The compulsion is real, y’all.

I made a promise to myself that I would never stop fighting to get back to a place of self-love. To get back to a me that I recognized and felt proud of.

And it worked. Little by little I started to see victories where I used to see failure. I still fight the “shame gremlins” as Brené Brown would call them. I still struggle and I still have anxiety. But, today I am able to make brave “Costa Rica Nicole” choices everyday, instead of hide, paralyzed by fear. Today, I can roll with the punches a little easier. I can laugh at my mistakes and learn from them, because GROWTH is my mindset. I try to greet each day with a positive attitude and believe I am capable of anything I put my mind to because I’ve seen it happen before. I cut myself some slack in the areas that don’t really matter to me (like having a perfectly clean home) but I’m determined to never again break a promise I make to myself or my family because those things matter most. I’m grateful that I did this work, especially as we face this failed IVF cycle. I can’t imagine how I would be coping if I hadn’t.

I’ve now realized that I was far from alone in my struggles, especially after birth. A staggering 50%-75% of women struggle with some level of postpartum anxiety or depression. Women who faced infertility prior to having a baby are even more likely to experience PPD/PPA.

And yet, I was so embarrassed. If only I had known. If only I had known someone else who was talking about it. So, I am talking about it now. If you can relate, know you are not alone and trust that you will get through this. It will take work and it won’t happen overnight. Reach out to people you trust. Feed your heart, mind and soul with positive words, images, and sounds. Turn off the negative. Start small and take it one day at a time. Little things add up to big things and one day you’ll realize the fog has lifted and you can breathe again. You can recognize yourself again.

If you don’t know where to start- read these books. I am literally forever grateful to Shauna, Ann, Brené and Rachel. They do not disappoint. I am praying for you sweet mama. I believe in you.

Present over Perfect by Shauna Niequist

One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp

The Power of Vulnerability (and literally anything by Brené Brown. She should be required reading)

Girl. Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis

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