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We’re scheduled for our embryo transfer for baby #2 this summer and I’ve noticed lately that I’m feeling rather disconnected from this reality. Like there is something in me that is blocking out the anticipation, excitement, joy, even the fear. Like, I’ve been numb to it. Gah, so frustrating. I’ve slowly been peeling away the layers of why and I spoke it out loud for the first time to my girlfriends this weekend. Thank God for girlfriends, right?

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So here’s the thing I am SO DAMN BLESSED, like, beyond comprehension. And I look around and see so much heartache. Fellow TTC Sisters who are still struggling to have their first child. Friends who have lost babies before they even saw the light of this world. Friends who have lost children who were just getting started. Friends who have endured tragedy and trauma…and here I am asking for more blessings? Who the hell do I think I am? I have it so good…

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And at the same time, it feels like by asking for more that I just might tip the scale..and all those things, those “in my worst nightmare” things, will happen. Because there has to be such thing as too much of a good thing, right? Everything comes crashing down at some point, right? Maybe if I just ..don’t move…don’t change anything…don’t ask for more…then maybe I’ll be protected from all those scary scary what-if’s?

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Of course my friends gently reminded me that I have lived through some of my own nightmares. And that I have zero control over when, or if, another bad thing will happen. The only thing I am doing by not allowing myself to feel all the things that come with trying for another baby, is robbing myself of the joy that I have been blessed with.

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Everything about infertility and motherhood is vulnerable. It’s so easy to try and put up defenses. But I don’t want to lose the joy of this season in my life. Because it is so, so sweet. Brené Brown calls it foreboding joy, and I am the queen. She also says gratitude is the antidote. So, I am focusing practicing gratitude and savoring all of the sweet blessing of living in this moment, right now.

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