:: You are the boss of your body ::

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Infertility, secondary infertility, ivf, csection, fertility doctor I have a general distrust of doctors. Between my psoriasis, struggles with constant yeast infections (sorry tmi), unexplained fatigue and difficulty losing weight, our infertility, my c-section and more, I have found my experiences to be mostly frustrating and unhelpful. I have felt unheard and dismissed by a doctor more times than I can count. I know there are good doctors out there, I have been treated by a few for sure, but the majority of my experience has not been positive. When we met Dr. K for our first infertility consultation, I was relieved to feel like he really cared for and invested in his patients.  This being an incredibly sensitive and expensive issue, having a doctor that we trusted was imperative. Our whole first round of IVF was a really positive experience from a patient care perspective. So, when we got the letter that he was leaving our old fertility clinic and starting his own, an hour drive from our home, we really didn’t have to think too hard about moving to his new clinic with him.

I struggle to even write the rest of this blog because I was honestly so surprised by our experience through this last cycle that I keep second guessing myself, wondering if I am just being too high maintenance, or trying to place blame for our failed cycle somewhere. But, I’ve been examining my feelings for a few months now, and had discussions with my husband and some other people I trust who understand infertility and I know that I am not just being “high maintenance”.

From start to finish this last cycle was disappointing from a patient care perspective. I had emailed with my nurse letting her know when we wanted to start our frozen embryo transfer cycle and what transfer date we wanted. I belabored over that transfer date longer than I cared to admit, wanting it to be perfect. We were timing it with baseball season so trying to hit a due date that wasn’t too close to an away game that was more than an hour or two away was pretty tricky. We landed on a due date of April 20th, Easter 2019. I loved the symbolism of that date so much. It felt right. I knew it was unlikely that the baby would actually be born on that date, but I loved that it was going to be the due date that we would announce and circle on our calendars and tell the world.  Our nurse emailed me back confirmation that we were good to go and the calendar of appointment dates, medication schedules, etc. A few days before our first appointment, I called the office to see what time my appointment was that day. My nurse was on vacation and it took a few days for someone to get back to me. Apparently I hadn’t been scheduled on the calendar for that day. They got me in anyway and we got the ball rolling. Everything was going great with my meds and my hormones and my lining and all that jazz, so on my last appointment before our transfer date, I asked another nurse (because mine was gone again) what time we needed to be there on transfer day- Friday. “Oh”, she said as she scrolled through her screens, “Dr. K is not going to be here on Friday, we need to move your transfer up to Tuesday.”

::Deep breath::

Transfer day was also specifically chosen because it was a Friday and gave me the weekend to be off my feet. Tuesday was the day before I went back to work for the school year. Not exactly ideal timing. I quickly called my husband to make sure his schedule would allow for Tuesday and after some rearranging we made it work. Again, trying not to be pushy or needy or cause an issue, we moved forward with the new transfer date. These things happen.

Transfer day came and we were greeted by the world’s grumpiest medical assistant. Her comment to me as she walked us back to our room was “you’ve done this before right? so I don’t need to really explain it”…ummm I did this almost 4 years ago lady. I wanted a valium because, hello- anxiety, and had to have Jordon go searching for someone to give it to me. When they told us to pick any radio station we wanted and we picked country music, our nurse apologized to Dr K for having country on… (that’s really all we needed to know about who we were dealing with haha #countryforlife) By the time it was all done, I was having to coach my husband to not to call this chick out on her bad attitude and cause a scene in the hallway.

Again I told myself “deep breath- it’s not that big of a deal. It’s okay”

My nurse had been emailing me my lab reports this whole cycle and I didn’t think much of it, but then she e-mailed me the results of my first beta. I had low numbers, but I had low ones with Austin too so I didn’t totally freak out- and then she e-mailed me again with the final answer. No, we weren’t pregnant. I hadn’t thought to ask for a phone call, but looking back now, a phone call would have been nice for news like that. Especially because I can’t exactly control when I will see an e-mail pop up. I saw that email come through at about 1 pm, the middle of my school day. If I could have chosen when to pick up the phone or listen to a voicemail, I probably could have avoided crying on the floor in the corner of my office so that no students would peek in the window and see me. It wasn’t a great time to go over their college essays with them.

The icing on the cake was that it took me almost 6 weeks of calling or emailing almost every other day to get the SIMPLE paperwork I needed to submit to our Flexible Spending Account to be reimbursed for part of this cycle. SIX WEEKS!

Still, I tried to push these feelings aside, chalk them up to a busy office. When I gathered my follow up questions in an e-mail a month later to ask Dr. K and received a very brief, to the point and rather dismissive email back that lacked any empathy, I knew we needed to look elsewhere to continue with our fertility treatments.

In November we had a consult with a new doctor at our old clinic. He sat down and took the time to really talk out our options, what things we might want to look into before another cycle, etc. The nurses seemed to be very detail oriented and friendly. Just this week I completed an endometrial biopsy and saline ultrasound per our new doctor’s suggestion. Guess what, I’ve got scar tissue hanging out in my uterus. It is likely from the c-section I had with Austin and it is quite likely a big factor in why our last embryo did not make it.  I’m so glad that we sought another doctor and another opinion. Dr. K was not going to take these steps. We would have had another failed cycle with him. It’s truly infuriating.

Csection, scar tissue, secondary infertility, hsg, saline ultrasound
Scar tissue from my c-section

So here is my take away, my one piece of advice for anyone out there fighting through infertility, or any medical issue, really:

There is no such thing as being high maintenance when it comes to your health and your body. You alone are responsible for it. You alone know what you need, what you don’t need, what feels okay and what does not feel okay. And you not only have the right to speak up and ask for what you need, you have the obligation to do so. No one else will do it for you. And if you do not have a doctor who will listen to your needs and respond in a proactive, empathetic and professional way….find someone else.   Listen to your gut and do not be afraid to speak up. As we tell our son “you are the boss of your body.”

I don’t know why I played small. Why not wanting to be an inconvenience felt more important. Why I chose to silence myself and accept less than I deserved. I do know that I will not be making that mistake again.

XO,

Nicole

Is your man’s body wash hurting his fertility?

male infertility, sperm, infertility, ivf

Probably.

I wrote a few weeks ago about women’s beauty products and how they are impacting our fertility. Well, I wanted to dig in a little deeper on men and how their products might be impacting them. We often think about infertility as a women’s issue. I’m not sure how that came about because men are 50% of the equation…but alas, our society still looks mainly to women as the ones responsible for making (or not making) babies. The truth is, somewhere between 40-50% of infertility cases are due to male factor infertility.

Here is some alarming fertility news: male sperm count in Western men has decreased by over 50% since the 1970’s! More than that, over 90% of sperm in typical young men are misshapen, which means that have two heads or two tails.

Quick fertility lesson: a two headed sperm cannot fertilize an egg.

I have a son. I have younger brothers. I have a hunky husband. I have friends who are raising boys. This is a HUGE issue. One in 8 couples struggle with infertility and that percentage is rising.

Many scientists are pointing to endocrine disrupting chemicals as a culprit. These chemicals mimic estrogen in the body, confusing the processes responsible for sex organs, hormone regulation…and yes, sperm. Exposure to these chemicals starts even when a baby is in utero!

If you want a breakdown of what these chemicals are all about and how to identify them check out this post.

Men need safer skincare, too! Their skin has different needs than women so we really shouldn’t just hand them our safer face cream and call it a day. Did you know:

  • Men’s skin is 25% thicker than women’s.
  • They have tougher skin due to slower cell turnover and frequent shaving.
  • Men have oilier skin than women because they produce more sebum.
  • Men’s pore size is larger, leaving skin more vulnerable to blackheads

Not to mention, most men won’t touch any product that is marketed as a woman’s product… (insert eye roll).

I was having a skincare convo with my little brother over the holidays and he mentioned really liking a brand of men’s skincare that promotes themselves as “natural” and “green”. He wanted to know my opinion so I looked them up… hello greenwashing! That stuff was full of harmful ingredients. But, I know very few men who are thinking deeply about their skincare. If I wasn’t in my brother’s ear about safer products he would not have given it a second thought. If I didn’t throw away all the junk my husband buys, he would not be asking me to find him a safer shaving cream. Ladies, we need to share this information with the men in our lives! We might even have to take matters into our own hands and toss their old junk and give them better products!

Okay, so here is the exciting news – there is a new line of men’s skincare that has NO endocrine disrupting chemicals (among other things, check out the list) and works and smells fantastic.

Introducing COUNTERMAN by Beautycounter!

male infertility, sperm, infertility, ivf, clean skincare

Counterman is a line of safer, results-driven skin care designed specifically for men. It features Sequoia Stem Cell Complex, all Counterman formulas help protect skin from every day stress. Plant stem cells have the properties and ability to self- renew; they never undergo an aging process, but instead perpetually divide to produce new cells. How cool is that?

Let’s check out the collection:

Do me a favor, go grab your man’s face wash and flip it over… do you see parabens on the list? What about methylisothiazolinone? EDTA? PEG? Or how about fragrance/parfum? …That’s what I thought. Toss it! You can always double check your products with the EWG Skin Deep Database too!

Save the sperm – shop safer 😉

XO, Nicole

A few informative resources:

https://www.nytimes.com/2017/08/16/health/male-sperm-count-problem.html https://www.nytimes.com/2017/03/11/opinion/sunday/are-your-sperm-in-trouble.html https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6043754/

Talking About Infertility

infertility, ivf, fertility

“So, what brings you in today?” the nurse asked me innocently.

“I … uhh. Well, ummm. I’m… ummmm.”

I stumble over my words. How do I put this? How do I start?

Finally I give up on finding the perfect word: “Well, uh, I have… infertility..?” I quickly start to share my life story to somehow give context to what I mean by that, to dissipate the tension in the room. She smiles trying to be kind and attentive, but it’s awkward for both of us.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about why we are so quiet about infertility. Why we hide behind secret Instagram profiles and Facebook groups. Why there are people in our daily lives who have no clue what we are going through. This exchange explains it all. Everything about infertility from the language we use, to the shots we inject ourselves with, is awkward, painful, hard. We can barely find words to describe it or define it, how are we supposed to be open about it?

I mean really- when put in a situation where we need to introduce the idea of our infertility here are some of the options that run through my mind:

“I am infertile.” (I mean, that’s just cruel)

“I have infertility” (I don’t think you can actually “have” infertility… you know, grammar and all)

“I’m reproductively challenged” (insert fake chuckle..humor is a great defense mechanism)

I usually opt for some version of “infertility journey”. Ha! Journey. As if somehow I chose this path. As if by traveling it there is some higher purpose. Some deeper, more meaningful reason for this. I like to think of it that way. It certainly it makes me feel better, and maybe there is truth to it too. But, I didn’t sign up for this trip and while I am determined to find joy and peace and gratitude in the midst of it, I’d get off this “journey” in an instant if I could.

I’ve made the deliberate decision to be open about this huge piece of my life with people, so more and more I find myself tripping over the words to use to tell people. Almost daily I get a question about when we will have another baby. I know I could easily brush off the questions with some reference to “God’s timing” and leave it at that. But, I don’t want to silence myself. I don’t want to brush off this question as insignificant when the truth is, it is one of the biggest, most complicated, cut to the core of my soul questions of my life.

infertility, ivf, iui, fertility

So, I keep stumbling through my words. And I keep filling the awkward space between me and the questioner with my best attempts at easing the tension while still honoring my story.

And after every single conversation I wrack my brain for a better way to put it. Better words. A better label. Something that doesn’t feel so obtuse rolling off my tongue.

I don’t know if I’ll ever find that better language. I do know that I won’t stop trying and I won’t stop talking. Owning my infertility is freaking hard and really delicate, but also incredibly healing and empowering.

How do you tell people about your infertility? Have you figured out a better way to talk about it? Give me all your suggestions!

ARE YOUR BEAUTY PRODUCTS FERTILITY-FRIENDLY?

beauty products fertility friendly infertility pregnancy safe

Infertility changed my life. Yeah yeah, in all the obvious ways- but really, if it wasn’t for infertility I wouldn’t have learned about the harmful ingredients our beauty products, I wouldn’t have searched for and found amazing safer products or joined a company with a mission to educate people about this issue. And I would 100% not be writing a blog. My whole world looks so different now- my makeup bag does too!

We don’t know what we don’t know, right? And back in 2014, I didn’t know. But there is nothing quite like a good medical issue – ahhmmm infertility– to send me into research mode. In the face of our repeated failure to get pregnant, I started to research the crap out of all things fertility. What boosts fertility? What hurts it? What should I eat, and not eat? Terms like luteal phase, mucus, ovulation and sperm morphology started to become regular vocab words in my house.

Eventually, I couldn’t ignore that fact that article after article told me I should also be looking at the products lining my bathroom counter. The words nontoxic, hormone disruptor, parabens and phthalates popped up so much that I had to dig a little deeper. And there it was: many of the common ingredients in my personal care products are known to disrupt our delicate hormone system and are linked to many things, among them, infertility. 

I almost took a gas can and a lighter to all the products in my house right then and there, but practically speaking, I couldn’t afford to replace it all at once. So, little by little, one product at a time I searched for a fertility-friendly alternative. That process is a whole other blog post in itself.  For the purposes of this post, I want to highlight a few key ingredients for you to look for to make it a little easier to spot a fertility-friendly product on the shelves. 

Now you might be thinking, “Nicole, I am a fertile myrtle, so this doesn’t apply to me”. To you my friend, I say, “yes, it does”. Did you know that when your grandma was pregnant with your mom, you were forming as an egg in your mom’s ovaries. Let that sink in for a minute. On a cellular level, the things your grandma ate, drank and was exposed to had influence on your developing DNA. Talk about passing things down for generations.

So, you might not be on the same infertility journey as I am, but your choices impact future generations. What you put on yourself, your kids and your husband impacts THEIR hormone systems. And really it’s not just about fertility, these ingredients are linked to a whole host of other issues that we won’t get into today. 

Fertility is a growing issue. One in eight couples struggle with infertility. Doctors are sounding the alarm- why? Because infertility is on the rise and male sperm count and quality is diminishing at an alarmingly quick rate. We don’t have all the information yet. They really haven’t studied the impact of these chemicals thoroughly, but there is enough data to cause concern.

So what are endocrine distrupting chemicals (EDCs) and why should we avoid them? Simply put, they are any chemical that can mess with your hormone function. Many of them mimic hormones, like estrogen, in your body and cause confusion in the way your hormones and cells communicate. Others, like phthalates, have been found to be destructive in nature. EDC’s have been linked to cancer, infertility, thyroid issues, depression, learning disabilities and more. (See resources listed at the end for more information.)

Let’s get to the ingredients. There are many places that we find EDC’s- our food, furniture, plastic bottles, flame retardants etc. Today, I am looking at our beauty products, specifically-things like moisturizer, shampoo, lipstick, foundation and soap.

Here’s my top tip: become a label reader. Yes, they will make you go cross-eyed, but if you know a few key things to look for it will take you a LONG way. You can also turn to resources like the EWG Skin Deep database to find easy to understand information. In fact, I encourage you to go to EWG, search for one of your current personal care products and check out the ingredients and their ratings. It’s eye opening! Here is an example comparing body butters:


Top 3 Ingredients That Hurt Your Fertility

infertility harmful fertility chemical endocrine distrupor

At minimum, learn these three ingredients to look for. If you can find a product that is free from these three ingredients you’re going to be looking at a significantly better product for your fertility. 

1) Parabens– a common, inexpensive preservative that mimics estrogen in the body. They have been shown to accumulate in our hormone-regulating organs. Among many things, studies suggest this EDC can impact a woman’s egg production, ability to become pregnant and maintain pregnancy. They also suggest a negative effect on male sperm quality. (Parabens have also been strongly linked to breast cancer)

You will find parabens listed on the ingredient list under these names. Basically if it ends with “paraben” then you don’t want it.

  • Methylparaben
  • Butylparaben
  • Propylparaben
  • Ethylparaben
  • Isobutylparaben
  • Benzylparaben

2) Phthalates– these are a little tricker because they aren’t usually listed as “phthalate” on the label. They are considered reproductive toxicants and are found on labels under these names: phthalate, DEP, DBP, DEHP and fragrance. These EDCs have been linked to a decrease in male fertility and altered sex organ development. Yikes! 

3) Fragrance/Parfum– nothing frustrates me more than seeing a product marketed as safe and natural and then reading the label to find “fragrance” or “parfum” listed as an ingredient. Synthetic fragrance is basically a cover-all term for all the ingredients that make up that “fragrance”. A huge loophole in the federal law allows phthalates (and many other harmful chemicals) to be added to fragrances without disclosing those ingredients to consumers. So basically, companies can (and do) hide endocrine disrupting chemicals- like parabens and phthalates- in “fragrance”. The Environmental Working Group found that about 75% of products that listed “fragrance” as an ingredient contains phthalates.  The average fragance contains 14 secret chemicals that aren’t listed on the label. There is a really great documentary called Stink! that takes a deep dive into fragrance and this loophole. Now this doesn’t mean you can’t wear something that smells yummy ever again. There are great products that use natural and safe fragrances, but generally the term “fragrance” or “parfum” is a red flag.

Bonus ingredient- BISPHENOL A or “BPA”- BPA is used to harden plastics and has been banned from baby products because of it’s hormone disrupting properties, however you can still widely find it in other plastic packaging. Look for BPA-free packing, or even better, glass packaging for your beauty products. Glass is hard to find, but any company promoting themselves as clean SHOULD be using BPA-free packaging at the very least. 

I am a huge advocate for being an informed consumer. Greenwashing is a real problem in the “nontoxic” and “natural” product world right now, so I don’t really trust what any company says about their products until I research it myself. That being said, I feel confident in Beautycounter’s mission, ingredient selection process, Never List and foundational value of transparency. Beautycounter is actively advocating for more health protective laws- like closing that fragrance loophole- so that everyone will have access to safer products. Switching to these products has made it so easy to feel good about what I’m using on my skin and has significantly reduced the number of headaches I get from going cross-eyed while reading labels.

High performing and significantly safer for my family and my fertility- sign me up! 

I love love love helping people find safer products- even if they don’t want to try Beautycounter. For real, message me and I will help you figure out how to start switching to safer. But avoiding these three ingredients is a great first step!

XO, Nicole

Resources:

Environmental Working Group’s Skin Deep Database

The Never List– over 1500 harmful or potentially harmful ingredients to avoid.

The Campaign for Safe Cosmetics is a fantastic resource with links to studies and a breakdown of concerning chemicals. 

Study on EDCs and Infertility

Male Fertility Study

Study on EDCs and Cancer

::THESE WOMEN::

There is something so beautiful about the unconditional love that comes from true friends. Not bound to loving you by blood or by law, the love of a friend is something chosen freely, over and over again, through the good and the bad. I think that kind of friendship is rare. I’m blessed to know it and claim it as mine.

I got to spend the weekend with some of my oldest friends, women I have grown up with. We talked and we laughed. We played in the snow, fell into fits of laughter from a ridiculous game of charades, drank good wine and ate good food. Free of the all the responsibilities we carry at home (kids and husbands and jobs and…), we relaxed more deeply than we had in a long time. This weekend we were able to just be. And I was reminded of how insanely important this kind of time is. Not just because we all need a break- we most certainly do- but because drinking deep from the well of true friendship is essential for my soul.

These women, these are people who know me in a way that no one else on earth knows me. Women who have seen me grow and struggle and succeed. They’ve walked with me as I’ve made every decision of my life since I was…14… when I am in a season of struggling to remember who I am at my core, these are the women who can remind me, my compass on a dark night.

I remember moving away from them for the first time. We all went to middle school together and by the time we graduated high school we knew we would be forever friends. I went to college with 3 of my best friends and most of us ended up back in our hometown after college. So, by the time my new husband and I moved to Seattle to start our marriage in an unfamiliar city, I had been living in the same place as at least 3 of these friends for over 10 years. I didn’t know life without them.  I found myself in that rainy, Emerald city…completely lost, unable to find myself in this new life. My friends had been the mirrors reflecting my best self back to me for almost half my life. Without them, I couldn’t see my reflection.

Of course, there was a lot of necessary growth that came from being apart from my people. Being able to hold the mirror up for myself is one of the most important skills I’ve learned as an adult. But, what I also learned in those early years of being a coach’s wife and living away from my people, was how much I deeply needed these women. Our friendship was more than girl talk and fun (mostly boozy) adventures. These friendships were deeply woven into the foundation of my life and who I had become.

These are the women who can read my heart and speak the words for me when I can’t quite form them. These are the women who know exactly what hard questions to ask to help me find clarity when I can’t see through the fog. These are the women who remember small details of my past that I can’t locate- even the ridiculous ones, like how I would always eat tuna sandwiches at lunch in high school. I have no idea why they remember that, but I love that they do. These are the women who hold my hand and sit beside me in silence, when words just don’t feel right. These are the women who bring out the silly, crazy, lighthearted me that struggles to show up most days under the weight of adulthood. These are the women who challenge me to be better, not because they think I’m failing, but because they see the potential in me that I haven’t seen yet.

Our lives are busier than ever these days. We still don’t all live in the same town – in fact, a friend’s upcoming move to Arizona is the reason we moved mountains to make this weekend happen. I wish we could do this more, but I know for certain the last 3 days have filled my cup reminding me once again how insanely grateful I am that God gave me this tribe of strong, beautiful women who love me just as I am.

Sitting at the airport waiting for my delayed flight home, I opened my laptop to start writing because a knew I needed to capture these feelings before they were swept up and lost in the week ahead. I committed to putting my friendships on the top of my priority list. It’s easy to let them slip down to the bottom when things like work and family consume so much of my energy. But I am a better mom, a better wife, a better employee- frankly, a better human- when I connect with to these women. Our friendship is a vital piece of a healthy, happy Nicole.

What are some ways that you find time to connect with your tribe in the midst of your busy life? Share in the comments below!

XO, Nicole

Coping with Infertility During the Holidays

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surviving infertility during the holidays

Lately, I have this odd inner rebel thing that happens on holidays. Everyone posts their obligatory  “Happy (insert holiday)” pic on social media and I’m like “nope, I’m not gonna do it”…I generally end up doing it anyway (because I have a damn cute family – hello!?), but that rebel is silently shaking her head at me. I haven’t  really understood where it came from, but it hit me today…it’s the pregnancy announcements. The holidays naturally lend themselves to be a great time for pregnancy announcements. Families are together and the cutesy phrases are endless and adorable. “Can’t wait to welcome our little turkey”, bellies wrapped in bows, and ultrasound pics fill my feed…

It hit me today, as I was watching my not-so-little man drift off to sleep, that it’s quite likely we would have made a similar pregnancy announcement this holiday season had our little embryo snuggled in tighter. But he didn’t and we aren’t. So my inner rebel, or maybe really it’s my broken heart, is boycotting the cute holiday instagram feeds because inevitably I’m going to see all the pregnancy announcements and inevitably it’s going to hurt. coping with infertility during the holidays

The holidays are rough when you’re on an infertility journey. Being surrounded by family is at the same time comforting and a painful reminder of what you’re trying to create that just isn’t happening for you. Without fail, someone is going to ask me when I’m going to have another baby, launching into a monologue about how you don’t want to wait too long or the kids won’t have a close relationship and you don’t want to be changing diapers forever… and don’t forget, you’re getting older! There will always be the cousin who got pregnant on accident, the aunt who feels comfortable telling what you really need to do to get pregnant, the uncle who makes a tone-deaf joke about your husband’s manhood, the long lost friend from high school who, after too many glasses of pinot, asks all the inappropriate questions …maybe it isn’t these specific examples, but you get the idea… the holidays are an infertility minefield.

I’m sorry to say, my fellow infertility warriors, but it’s pretty unavoidable. So, how do we survive the holidays…or even more importantly, enjoy the holidays… as we navigate the minefield?

tips for surviving the holidays with infertility

Here are some of the tips I’ve been working on. I’d love to know your holiday survival tips too!

  1. Take care of yourself first. There is no way that you can respond well to Aunt Ida’s probing questions if you are tired, stressed and overwhelmed. What is in your toolbox? What are you go-to things that help recharge you? Know them. Do them. Often. For me, I know I’m better with a good night sleep, some exercise and time spent focused on what I’m grateful for.
  2. Know how you are going to respond. For the most part, we can anticipate the kind of questions or comments that are coming. It’s so helpful to plan and visualize what you want to say and how you want to respond. Have a one-liner ready for when people start asking. It’s the hardest when we aren’t prepared to respond; we tend to respond out of our emotional rawness. I think it is 100% okay to respond with tears, or to express to that their words, though likely unintentional, were hurtful. But, when we find ourselves out of control of our emotions that is when things can spiral and head in a direction we don’t want to go. Similarly, know how you are going to respond internally. You might be able to brush off your cousins questions and change the subject, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t spinning on the inside as she blabbers on about her annoying coworkers. Find a word, phrase, mantra or prayer that will center you, comfort you and allow you to let go of the inner emotional storm. Repeat until you can breathe a little easier.
  3. Identify your safe spaces. Where are you going to go if you need to take a break, if you need to cry, or punch a pillow? Who are the people who you can talk to? Your spouse is a good one to start with, but they could be dealing with their own struggles, naturally. So who else can be your “person”? Know who you feel comfortable asking to hang with you for a minute. Maybe that person can play defense for you too if they see an awkward situation unfolding. Let ‘em know you need their help- heck, make up a code word that lets them know you need to get OUTTA HERE NOW!
  4. Focus on the parts you love. If there is anything I’ve learned it’s that we HAVE to find joy in the waiting, in the pain, in the fear and doubt… it’s the only way. So, what do you LOVE about the holidays? Do you love baking with grandma? Card games with your cousins? Long afternoon walks admiring the gorgeous fall leaves? Do you love visiting the houses that go all-out with Christmas lights? Or snuggling up by a fire with a good book? Fill your schedule with the things you love about the holidays and try to just get lost in them. Be in the moment as much a possible. When that wave of sadness arrives, let it wash in and wash out. Acknowledge it and then turn your attention back to the beautiful moment that is right in front of you. tips for surviving the holidays with infertility
  5. Give yourself grace. Like heaps and heaps of grace. It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to feel sad, and to cry and to think that your cousin’s pregnant wife was a total jerk for complaining about feeling fat- you’d give anything to feel “fat”. It’s okay if you need to skip your neighbors holiday party because what really feels good for your soul tonight is snuggling up with your hubby and watching Love Actually. It’s okay to put your needs first, to take care of your heart instead of worrying about offending someone else. Grace, my friend, lots and lots of grace.

 

How do you find joy during the holidays while walking with infertility? Let me know in the comments.

** for the record, not all of these examples have happened to me in this exact way, or on this particular holiday. It’s a combination of my stories and my fellow ttc community’s stories

{Three Years With You}

The moment they put you in my arms for the first time was hands down the best moment of my life. It’s a memory that will forever be etched in my mind- the weight of you, the smell of you, the peace and love that filled my soul. Pure magic.

Three years with you, my boy. You’ve been with us now for the same amount of time we struggled to have you, wondering if you ever would be. Looking back I can see so clearly how each piece of the journey was preparing me to be your mama.

You do things your own way, on your own time. Just like when you took your time snuggling in as an embryo, leaving us waiting with baited breath. Teaching us to rely on God for patience.

Or how you insisted on snubbing all of your mama’s birth plans, refusing to flip head down no matter what I tried- forcing a c-section when all I wanted was a “natural” birth. It was as if you were warning me for what was to come: “don’t make too many plans, mom. None of this is going to go the way you thought it would, I’m gonna do it my way.” Oh, my independent little boy. I can’t help but laugh because really, with us as your parents how could I expect anything different.

You have made me a fighter. Your very existence is proof that deep inside me is the heart of a warrior. I fought to have you, fought to breastfeed you when many told me to just let it go, fought through postpartum anxiety to make sure I am the best mom I can be for you. I will never stop fighting for you, my love. Never. You’ve made me a mama bear, fierce.

I put you to sleep last night explaining that magic will come to you in the night and when you wake up you will be THREE. But the truth is, the magic didn’t appear last night. The magic started the day you were created and was with you every single day since. There was magic in each new word, each new step, each belly laugh, each “I miss you, mama”. Watching you grow is magic. You are magic, my son.

Each year your birthday is equal parts heartbreak and joy. Sad to leave behind another year knowing I will never again have two-year old you, but so very proud of the boy you are becoming and joyful that I have a future with you in it.

You correct me now, each time I call you “baby” – “no, mommy, I’m a big boy”. But you will always be my baby, my love. Always.

Happy Birthday, sweet boy. May this year bring more magic than the last.

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::The Magic of Sharing::

brene brown courage owning your storySharing is hard. There isn’t a single day that goes by that I don’t second guess my choice to start this blog and be so open on social media and in my personal life about our infertility journey. It’s vulnerable. Imposter syndrome runs wild- Who am I to think anyone wants to hear what I have to say? Who am I to think what I share could help people? Who am I?

But this week hammered home the truth.

On Monday night I posted on Instagram about some of my feelings on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I couldn’t even believe what I saw when I opened my Insta the next morning. I had 300+ likes, a ton of heartfelt comments and a full inbox of messages. That only increased over the rest of the day. Every time I opened Insta I had dozens of notifications. Even my girl boss hero, THE Rachel Hollis had liked my post- what the what?! It’s not about the likes, that’s not why I’m on social media. But the response and the messages were proof that my story resonated. It touched people on some level. People were thanking me for sharing and telling me their own stories in return. I’m not sure if there is a more precious gift than someone sharing their heart with you. I’m humbled. And in turn, their stories and their kind words healed my heart just a little more.

But God wasn’t done making his point.

Today was Mass day at my Catholic school and the theme was “Speak Life” in honor of the Catholic “Respect Life Month”. Of course the topic of babies came up. Of course it hurt.

Remember that colleague who stopped me in the hall, pressing me on when I was going to give Little Man a sibling?…well that day in the hallway, instead of just brushing her off and saying “oh, someday,” I told her. I told her about IVF and I told her we had just lost one. The conversation was brief, and though she was kind I walked away wondering if I had said too much. I felt a little raw. Well, today at Mass she made it a point to come hug me during the Sign of Peace and tell me she has been praying for a baby for me. Cue the tears. If I had chosen to put my walls up and not tell her my story in the hallway that day, I’d be missing out on a prayer warrior in my corner. I had no idea that she has been praying for me all this time. What a blessing.

The Mass continued and at the very end they played a little video of two young children being told by their mom that “there is a baby in Mommy’s belly”. It was adorable. And it totally sucked. I took a deep breath to contain my emotions and as I looked up, another colleague was looking over at me, blowing me a kiss because she knew. She knew that that video, that this Mass, was hard and that it hurt.  She knew because she has seen my blog and my social media and we’ve talked about our shared experiences. To seal the deal she ran over to give me a hug before Mass ended. In an instant I went from silently shouldering my hurt alone, to being held, comforted and seen.

Sharing my life with others is worth it. Sharing builds community. Sharing helps others feel less alone, understood, in it together. Sharing allows the people in my life to show up for me and it opens up the space in my heart to receive the kind of love and support I need. Sharing helps me own my story and my life and gives me courage to show up as my authentic self. I’m sure I will still have moments of doubt on this journey. Times when I wonder if I’m just speaking into the black void of internet-land. Times when I worry that people are really just laughing at me, or rolling their eyes thinking “who does this chick think she is?” Maybe I will even be burned a time or two for being vulnerable. But I’m going to remember this week.

I started Brave Beauty Mama because God was YANKING (not just tugging) on my heart and this week He reaffirmed that I am on the right path. It might be super foggy up ahead of me, but I’m going to keep trusting this path that He has put me on.

Thank you for being a part of my community. For lifting me up and for trusting me with your stories too. What a beautiful thing to be connected to one another.

 

XO, Nicole

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

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I didn’t expect the tears today. I knew it was infant loss awareness day. I knew I’d want to say something about it. Light a candle. Say a prayer. But I didn’t think it would hit so hard. I’m not someone who really gets caught up in themed days. ⠀

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If I’m super honest there is a part of me that doesn’t feel like we fully belong to this group of grieving parents. Our sweet embryo baby only made his home on my womb for a few short days. He tried. A chemical pregnancy is what the doctor called it. ⠀

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But I have friends who have lost babies at 10 weeks. At 22 weeks. At birth. After… ⠀

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So much of me feels like our loss just doesn’t touch that kind of loss. And in a way I still think that’s true. ⠀

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But then I saw this image. And then the tears. Because no matter how short lived. No matter how teeny tiny that baby boy was, he still WAS. He existed. He was loved and wanted and he is no longer here. I haven’t cried for our loss in a while. I’ve been focusing on positive things and gratitude, but I’m gonna cry tonight and that’s okay. ⠀

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I’m crying tears for you too, mama. I am 1 in 4. ⠀

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My Natural Medicine Cabinet :: what I use to keep us healthy

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DISCLAIMER: I am not a doctor or medical professional.
Everything written here is my opinion based on my own
research and experience. Please talk to your doctor and do
your own research.

Ahhhh cold and flu season is upon us again. As a working mom, just the thought of it ties a huge knot in my stomach. My first fall back to work with Little Man in daycare was a special kind of crazy. I can’t tell you how many meetings and workshops I had to cancel to stay home with my sick kiddo. The fall is my busiest time at work {college application season} so the lack of my presence is felt and it made me feel awful. By the end of the year I was clean out of sick AND vacation time and had to take unpaid days- which meant even less money in my already small paycheck. The feeling of being torn between taking care of my most precious gift and being present for work is maddening. Countless times I called my husband exclaiming “I quit! There is no way for me to work and be a good mom; I’m done!” Well, clearly I am still working and while the struggle is real, I do believe you CAN be a good mom and have a career.

All this to say, it is my mission this fall to take as few sick days as possible. So, I’ve been stocking my medicine cabinet with my natural essentials to get us through the season. I’m not anti-medicine, but I always prefer to reach for a natural remedy before I reach for over-the-counter medications. I believe that prevention is a way better strategy than treating symptoms once they arrive. Plus, the ingredients in most OTC medications are kind of atrocious and it feels like study after study is revealing that OTC meds are overused and not as safe as we’ve been lead to believe.

Let me give you the rundown of my “medicine cabinet”

First and foremost– a healthy diet, regular exercise and plenty of water is the baseline for your health. When the hubs and I started to focus on those three things we saw a huge decrease in how frequently we got sick. No amount of elderberry syrup can combat a diet riddled with fast food and sugar. Which brings me to..

Elderberry Syrup– this immunity booster is having a moment for sure. Studies like this one  suggest it has powerful protective effects against the cold and flu viruses. The elderberry syrup I use is semi-homemade 🙂 I buy a premade kit from Mama Mac’s Crunchy Kits on Facebook. You can find many similar ones on your local crunchy Facebook groups or Etsy or you can make it from scratch using a recipe like this one from Wellness Mama . I cook it up when we need it and keep it in the fridge. It lasts a long time. We all take it daily and we up the frequency when it feels like we are fighting something or when we know the flu is going around. It tastes yummy and Little Man never fights me on it. You can also buy some from the store, but I haven’t liked those ones as much.

yumm smells so good

 

 

 

 

Bee Propolis  – I just discovered this amazing product from Beekeeper’s Naturals and I’m loving it! Propolis is  a protective substance bees make to protect their hive walls. It basically acts like the immune system for the hive. How cool is that!? It contains over 300 powerful natural compounds known for to supporting immunity. I bought the BeeKeepers Natural throat spray a few weeks ago and it’s been amazing. Little Man and I have both been fighting a cold…it’s there, but so far we aren’t sick enough for it to slow us down. A few sprays every day is helping to sooth our throats and we have not gotten full blown sick! I’m a believer.

Probiotics– Our gut is where so much of our health and immunity begins. A good probiotic is a basic in my house. I use Plexus VitalBiome, but there are so many good ones on the market. Little Man takes the Plexus XFactor Kids multivitamin that has probiotics in it.

Apple Cider Vinegar– the hubs swears by Apple Cider Vinegar for all the things. I’ll be honest, I don’t take it regularly. But he takes a “shot” every morning and there is good reason to think its preventing him from getting sick since the man is never sick and he doesn’t really follow the rest of my “natural remedies”. He uses Bragg’s Apple Cider Vinegar Cleanse and it definitely goes down easier than pure ACV.

Essential oils– If you haven’t discovered the power of essential oils yet, you need to! I’ve basically replaced all the medicine I used to use with EO’s. I use DoTerra, mostly because that is what I was introduced to first and I trust that they are pure. It is super important to learn about using these powerful oils. They are incredible, but not always safe for use with kids, animals or various medical conditions. My favorite oils for immunity and illness are:

  • DoTerra Onguard products- this is the immunity blend and they have several products with it. I dilute it in a roller ball and rub on Austin’s feet and back daily. I will diffuse it all through the house to kill germs and boost our immunity. I also will take the internal capsules for myself a few times a week. I love the spray hand sanitizer too.
  • DoTerra Oregano- this is a hot oil and I would NOT use it on kids. If I know I am about to get sick, I will put one drop of this oil in a glass of water and chug- trying to not get any of it on my lips because it does burn a bit. But seriously, if I do this, the next day I feel great. I wouldn’t do it daily, but it’s a great pinch hitter for me.
  • DoTerra Breathe – Stuffy nose and coughs are no match for this oil! Think a natural version of Vicks Vaporub. I will dilute this one in my Beautycounter Soothing Baby Oil or Baby Balm and rub on the chest of whoever is sick. You can diffuse it while you sleep to help open your airways too. Instant relief.
  • DoTerra DigestZen- DigestZen helps all my tummy aches. I just dilute and rub it on my belly or my kiddo’s belly and within about 30 minutes things are feeling better.

Mullein Garlic Oil  – I get the craziest looks from my friends when I talk about this one, but seriously, Little Man hasn’t had an ear infection since I started using this (and he had a lot in his first year of life).I will do maintenance drops in both ears for prevention every few weeks. When cold and flu season hits I typically do it once a week. If I notice a stuffy nose or cough I’ll do it once a day. It treats infections that already exist too, but we haven’t used it like that since he hasn’t gotten any since using it. Warning: your kiddo will smell like garlic.

Detox baths– Once a week Little Man takes a detox bath and when I feel like he’s fighting something I will do it a few times a week. It’s just a mix of ½ cup epsom salts and 2 tablespoons baking soda dissolved in a hot bath (be sure they stay in there for 15-20 minutes to get the full benefits). Epsom salts contain magnesium sulfate which is a powerful detoxification mineral. It helps draw out and remove impurities in our bodies and also allows us to absorb the magnesium which supports so many of our bodily functions. The baking soda also promotes detoxification and helps balance the body’s pH.These baths also promote relaxation. Sometimes I’ll add a few drops of DoTerra’s Serenity blend essential oil to promote extra relaxation, too. You can double the recipe for a relaxing detox bath of your own. We sleep great after a detox bath!

One last thing…I know the fevers can be scary and there is definitely a point where they need to be reduced, but in general people are really quick to give a fever reducer like Tylenol when our kiddos have a fever. The thing is, fevers are our body’s natural way of fighting infection, If we don’t let the fever do it’s thaaaang then we often are prolonging the illness in our bodies. When Little Man is sick a really focus on letting the fever run its course and not medicating. I talked to his doctor about it and of course you should too, but there is value in a fever even though they are no fun, so don’t just jump to getting rid of it.

There you have it, my arsenal of natural remedies and immunity boosters.

What have you tried to naturally fight cold and flu season? 

Comment and let me know!

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