Category: Motherhood

A note to self…and anyone else who needs to hear it

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Hey Mama,

Yes, you. The one with the toddler who just flung himself on the floor screaming. I see you.

Yes, you- the one who clearly tried to look put together as you stepped out the door, but the day has run you a little ragged (the messy bun says it all). You still look pretty.

I know, I saw that deep breath you took. That extra few seconds spent closing your eyes praying for patience as your little one struggles to break free from your grasp. I’m proud of you.

Yes, I’m talking to you mama. I saw you glance longingly at that group of 20 somethings enjoying an afternoon of laughter .. and cocktails ..as you shoveled your lunch into your mouth with one hand, in between laps around the restaurant. I know you wondered if that would ever be you again.. and I know you felt a little guilty for thinking it. It’s okay to feel that way. It doesn’t mean you don’t love being mama.

Yes mama, you – the one who just said “no” for the hundredth time today. The one who is silently questioning if she is doing it all wrong because Lord knows the hospital did not send you home with a manual in how to parent a toddler. You, the one who dreads getting in the car because of the car seat battle that always ends in tears.

Yes, you… did you see that? Did you see the way your little person just looked at you, squealed your name and wrapped his arms around your neck. I know you were there, but did you really see it?

See mama, I know it can be tough, but the way that little boy just hugged you is all the proof in the world that you are doing … great. Your little one knows he is loved and that is all he truly needs. Sometimes you just need a little reminder. So sleep tight mama. It starts again tomorrow.. but you got this!

– Love, Me

Learning to Love the Jiggle

Oh man this is a hard one to share but I hope it’s encouragement for other women like me.
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I have struggled with my weight since college. I packed on 50 pounds during pregnancy and while I’ve technically lost that weight, my body is much different than it was before baby. And there are still many pounds to go for my best health.

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Self-discipline isn’t exactly my strength. Especially when it comes to food and exercise. I like food. A lot. If I have the option to eat wine and a cheese plate, I’m *probably* going to eat it. And let’s not get started on dessert 🍦Life’s too short to not enjoy good food.
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So naturally I beat myself up regularly about my failed self-discipline. Which isn’t really productive. Lately I’ve been working on embracing all of me, even the imperfections {shout out to #brenebrown}
And I’m grateful because it allowed me to share this silly moment with my son without thinking about how crazy jiggly my tummy is.

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What if I had recoiled? Pulled my shirt down and made some comment about “mommy’s tummy”? What message would I have been sending my child? And I would have missed out on that laugh…
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Is it important for me to continue working on my health and fitness? Absolutely! But it’s equally important for me to love and accept the person I am at this very moment. Because I am worthy of love and belonging just as I am. And I want my children to know that they too are worthy just as they are.

 

I DON’T // on “doing it all”

Someone asked me recently “how do you do it all?” referencing the fact that I am a full time working mom with a side gig – the honest answer is that I don’t. I do not do it all. At least not all in one day.
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Some days require me to focus on one area of my life more than others. Some days I choose to focus on something and let other things {like the dishes} fall to the wayside. It’s not always easy to give myself permission to not “do it all” , to not be SuperMom, but I tried that life and it did NOT work for me. I don’t think it really works for anyone.
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I missed my boy a lot today, so tonight we are playing outside a little longer. And I probably won’t get the dishes done before bed. And I’m okay with that. So, in case you need permission today to not do it all… you have my blessing! 😘

Having fun after work!

Foreboding Joy

I’ve been on an infertility rollercoaster lately.

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We’re scheduled for our embryo transfer for baby #2 this summer and I’ve noticed lately that I’m feeling rather disconnected from this reality. Like there is something in me that is blocking out the anticipation, excitement, joy, even the fear. Like, I’ve been numb to it. Gah, so frustrating. I’ve slowly been peeling away the layers of why and I spoke it out loud for the first time to my girlfriends this weekend. Thank God for girlfriends, right?
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So here’s the thing I am SO DAMN BLESSED, like, beyond comprehension. And I look around and see so much heartache. Fellow TTC Sisters who are still struggling to have their first child. Friends who have lost babies before they even saw the light of this world. Friends who have lost children who were just getting started. Friends who have endured tragedy and trauma…and here I am asking for more blessings? Who the hell do I think I am? I have it so good…
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And at the same time, it feels like by asking for more that I just might tip the scale..and all those things, those “in my worst nightmare” things, will happen. Because there has to be such thing as too much of a good thing, right? Everything comes crashing down at some point, right? Maybe if I just ..don’t move…don’t change anything…don’t ask for more…then maybe I’ll be protected from all those scary scary what-if’s?
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Of course my friends gently reminded me that I have lived through some of my own nightmares. And that I have zero control over when, or if, another bad thing will happen. The only thing I am doing by not allowing myself to feel all the things that come with trying for another baby, is robbing myself of the joy that I have been blessed with.
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Everything about infertility and motherhood is vulnerable. It’s so easy to try and put up defenses. But I don’t want to lose the joy of this season in my life. Because it is so, so sweet. Brené Brown calls it foreboding joy, and I am the queen. She also says gratitude is the antidote. So, I am focusing practicing gratitude and savoring all of the sweet blessing of living in this moment, right now.

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