Tag: family

I Still Believe in Miracles

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I learned a long time ago that sorrow and joy can coexist. That they are really two sides of the same coin. That you can’t know the depths of joy without having known sorrow. And we only know sorrow because we have known joy.

{The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.- Khalil Gibran}

I’m grateful for that long ago learned lesson. Grateful that the truth of it has shown up enough times in my life that I can face today’s news with the hope and certainty that while today I feel deep sorrow, I know I will again feel deep joy.

This cycle did not work. Our embryo did not implant. I’m not pregnant.

The air around me feels heavier as I write those words. A weight hangs off my shoulders. I knew that was a possibility when we got our first pregnancy test results last week. On Monday we heard that my HCG levels had decreased when they should be increasing, but still we hoped and prayed. God works miracles everyday. This morning we tested one more time. Our sweet baby just didn’t make it. There is no rhyme or reason. Nothing we did wrong. It is just how things happen sometimes.

I still believe in miracles, though. I am a mother to one.

I am a firm believer that emotions are meant to be felt to their fullest. We will continue to grieve this loss. More tears will be shed. More anger. More “why didn’t it?” If I try to deny my feelings they will only fester and become bigger.

I am also a firm believer that we get to choose how we respond to the things that life brings us. I can choose to let this sadness take over or I can choose to face each day with hope. I choose to find moments of joy in the midst of our sadness. I choose to believe in God’s plan, even though it doesn’t look like my plan. I choose to still see our many blessings and be grateful. There are a million things that I have to be grateful for. I am grateful for the short time I got to hope for the promise of new life growing inside me. It is a privilege not everyone has.

Our baby boy {yes, it was a boy} was just not meant to come earthside. He is forever in heaven with our God and our grandparents and heavenly family who love him as much as we do. I know we will meet him someday.

I can’t begin to tell you how much your prayers and kind words and messages have meant to us. Please continue to pray for us and for our baby boy in heaven. We aren’t sure when we will try again. It is a complex conversation. But, we are confident that our family will continue to grow in God’s time. At the beginning of our infertility journey, God spoke to me through Isaiah 41:13; He is holding our hands today, assuring us to have no fear, for He will help us.

I leave you with one of my favorite poems by a favorite author: Kahlil Gibran

On Joy and Sorrow

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.

And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.

And how else can it be?

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven?

And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, “Joy is greater than sorrow,” and others say, “Nay, sorrow is the greater.”

But I say unto you, they are inseparable.

Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.

Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.

When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

Simplifying Back to School: Part 2 {Meals}

There is nothing that stresses me out more than feeding my family. I’m not even kidding. The anxiety I feel around meal planning and prep is ridiculous. It baffles me. Throw anything at me …suicidal student at work? Got it covered. Juggling life as a full time working mom and coach’s wife with a gig on the side? Watch me go. Infertility diagnosis? Hear my battle cry, biatch!

But, ask me to feed myself and my family and you’ll find me in huddled in the corner crying. I have had numerous breakdowns around this topic. I haven’t really unpacked why that is, but its real. Oh. Em. Gee I hate meal planning and prepping and cooking and making…. I do enjoy the eating though. I definitely enjoy eating.

Alas, the family must eat. So I have worked and reworked my approach to meals many many times. I think it’s still a work in progress, but I’ve found some tips that have really helped me.

If you’re someone who enjoys all things food- you might roll your eyes at me. If you’re like me though, I hope you find these little tidbits helpful.

less time in the kitchen means more time goofing off with this guy

MEAL PLANNING:

Meal planning is a special kind of torture. It’s like, I sit down to plan out the meals for the week and ALL the meal ideas fly out of my head and I stare blankly at the page. Hmmm…what do I know how to cook? So, I started to write it down. I now have a list of dinners we like to eat that, I don’t mind making, and are relatively healthy.

From that list I plan my dinners out by the month. Yes, THE MONTH. I have an excel spreadsheet for each month and I plug in weekends and big evening events, when Jordon will be out of town, etc. Then, I start to plug in meals. Now that I have got it going, I basically copy and paste the meals each month and adjust for whatever is on our calendar. Does it get boring? Kinda. Does it keep me sane? Mostly 😉

example of a month of dinners

I also wrote down all of our usual weekly and monthly grocery items in an excel sheet. I even divided it by grocery store and  department. Now when I sit down to plan my meals and write my grocery list, it’s basically planned for me. I can add and adjust the dinner plan and grocery list as necessary, but the bulk of the work, the part that makes my head spin the most, is done for me. It took a few hours to get it set up, but it was SUPER worth it.

And now that I’m not even stepping foot in a grocery store with Instacart… easy peasy lemon squeezy! My membership is $15 a month and I am positive that I save that amount at least because I am avoiding impulse buys. You can also check and see if your grocery store has free store pickup. I’ve heard Walmart and Raley’s does this. You just pull into the parking lot and they load up you car. We just don’t have one near me so Instacart it is.

So here is a little more about my plans and prep by meal:

Breakfast:

Since I am practicing intermittent fasting, I don’t eat breakfast. That makes things pretty simple for me in the morning. And, since I am currently {pregnant until proven otherwise} I have decided to give up caffeine so I make a cup of herbal tea and add some collagen powder to it for a boost of protein and good-for-you amino acids. I like Great Lakes Hydrolysate Collagen because it comes from grass-fed cows and is non-GMO. It also dissolves quickly into liquid.  I also take my chewable prenatal vitamins- I’m using Smarty Pants Organic Prenatals because they have methylated folate, omega 3’s and probiotics. Pill vitamins make me throw up so these are the best of the chewable options that I’ve found.

Austin’s breakfast is always something he can eat on his own without a big mess. Right now I’ve got the fridge stocked with Stonyfield Organic Yogurt Squeezers that I got for a great price at Costco. He will grab that from the fridge, I‘ll open it for him and then he is good to go. If there is time, I’ll also make him toast with some peanut butter. If there isn’t time, I bring a snack bar (these are his favorites) in the car with us in case he says he’s hungry on our ride to school.

Real talk for a second: I don’t love the amount of sugar in the yogurt or the processed bar. In my fantasy Super Mom world I make him a nutritious breakfast each morning…or even a superfood smoothie. But, the more I struggled to hold myself to that standard, the more my mom guilt ate at me when I couldn’t keep up {which was like everyday} I remember sobbing at the sink one night because I felt so guilty for making him a sunbutter and jelly sandwich for lunch…I cried to my husband that I was a terrible mother and he looked at me like I was bat-shit crazy. (because I was; thank you postpartum anxiety). So now, I try and balance it out as much as I can with his other meals and I give myself grace. Because let’s be real, yogurt and breakfast bars aren’t. even. bad. and a sane mother is also important!

 

Lunch:

I keep things pretty standard for my lunch. Some veggies, some hard boiled eggs, a yogurt (I’m really enjoying Kite Hill with some chia seeds) a piece of fruit, nuts and usually leftovers. I let myself buy 2 meals per week at school since our cafeteria is delish. Last year I was super into egg salad on a bed of spinach leaves. I haven’t quite gotten into my groove yet with meals for myself. I find that if I keep it pretty standard then I don’t stress about it so much. Again, boring? Kinda. But I’m good with boring if it means I’m not crying in a corner over sandwich {insert eyeroll here}.

This Planetbox lunchbox has changed packing Austin’s lunch for me. More than anything it just mentally streamlines what I need to pack and it makes cleanup way easier. I just fill each compartment with something yummy and nutritious and I’m good to go. In the biggest compartment I basically rotate between hummus with pretzels and carrots or a sandwich. Austin goes to a Jewish daycare and isn’t allowed to bring meat, so I have to get a little creative with protein. Recently, I made up a bunch of these Kodiak Cakes muffins and froze them. They are packed with protein and yummy. So, I throw one of those in there every few days instead of the sandwich. The smaller compartments get cut up fruit and veggies, Rhythm Superfoods Carrot Sticks, Harvest Pea Crisps and crackers and cheese. The center compartment gets a sweet treat- a few fruit snacks or a mini cookie. I also still pack a fruit and veggie pouch since he basically won’t eat veggies otherwise. Feel free to send me all your “hidden veggies” recipes.

I actually am having fun making his lunches now that we got this lunch box. I also love that it is stainless steel so I am not thinking about toxic plastics leaching into his food or ending up in that big plastic island in the middle of the sea. Save the whales, y’all. It’s pricey, but it’s gonna last me forever.

You might notice that I haven’t talked about my husband in this post so far. That’s because he is responsible for himself for breakfast and lunch. He is pretty particular about what he eats and how it’s made and I never know what his schedule is for the day and if he even needs a packed lunch. SOOOOOO…cross that off my list.

Dinner:

Let’s talk dinner. By the time I get home at night I refuse to spend more than 30 minutes preparing a meal. I also shut down when a recipe calls for more that about 5 ingredients…all of which need to be something I’m gonna use more than once for that particular recipe. Tahini is not in my fridge…neither is saffron or bay leaves…

Here are some of the main meals on rotation:

On Sundays I like to do a big crock pot dish. Usually salsa chicken (I add some taco seasoning to this recipe and often use frozen breasts too ) or teriyaki chicken (I loosely follow this recipe ). This will last us a few days of meals so it makes my life easier on the weeknights. You can throw these over rice, in a veggie bowl, in a salad or a tortilla and it’s pretty tasty.

Sausage. Everyone in my house loves sausage. I love that it’s easy to cook and pretty cheap at Trader Joes or Aldi. I get the chicken sausage that’s nitrate free. Steam some veggies up in this puppy and we’re good to go. I also like a variety of the frozen veggies at Trader Joe’s.

One Pan Pesto Chicken – throw some pesto sauce and mozzarella over a chicken breast. Chop veggies you like (this one goes great with asparagus and cherry tomatoes) and toss in olive oil and salt and pepper. Cook them all together in the oven at 400 degrees for about 20 minutes. You can do one pan chicken with just about any flavor and veggie combo. And it makes clean up easy because … well it’s all in one pan!

Breakfast for Dinner– a classic right? Throw some eggs and toast together. Add whatever meat you have on hand. If I’m feeling really fancy I’ll make pancakes or french toast.  And guess what, I make that “super food smoothie” for dessert on BfD night! Austin thinks they are milkshakes…#momwin

 

There ya have it: how I’ve simplified meals in our house. Everyone gets fed. Mama’s happy. I call that a win!  When I’m rich, I’ll be hiring a chef- obviously.

 

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When the answer is “maybe”

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This morning I had my first blood test to see if Baby #2 has decided to stick around. I woke up really early so we could get on the road and make the hour trek through LA traffic to get there right at opening. I had to head right to work after, another hour away, and get Austin to daycare on the way. Suffice it to say, it was a potentially stressful start to an already stressful day.

Walking back to the car after my blood draw, I spotted the adorable breakfast cafe that I’ve been telling myself I’ll try “one of these days” every time I have an appointment with Dr. K. So, today, instead of rushing back to work after my appointment and letting the anxiety of the day take over, I chose to slow down and take my little man to breakfast. Nothing fills my heart and reminds me of God’s never-ending provision like some quality time with this guy. ⠀

Should I have headed straight  back to work? My boss would probably have said “yes”. {actually, my boss is amazing and probably would have told me to grab her a pastry on the way back, but HER boss probably would say “get back to work”) And certainly the “people pleaser” in me had to wrestle with that one for a minute. But…

I am so glad I chose to listen to what my heart said I needed over someone else’s expectations. I left our 20 minute  breakfast detour feeling immense peace and gratitude. If I hadn’t stopped and slowed down enough to see and feel and enjoy my many blessings…I wouldn’t have been in a great place to hear … “maybe”…

Maybe you’re pregnant. Maybe you’re not.

My HCG levels came back positive, but lower than they want to see at first. I’ll have to retest next week and see if those numbers are increasing. This is exactly what happened with Austin, so I’m less worried than you’d think. But still, now I am living in limbo land a little longer, wondering if every cramp, every twinge, every spot of tiny pink blood is just our baby settling in or the end of this cycle.

Gratitude is the antidote to anxiety. Gratitude is playing defense to my fear right now. Gratitude is keeping me hopeful when I could turn to doubt. Gratitude is a the coziest warm blanket of peace wrapping its arms around me right now. Well, gratitude and Jesus 🙂

Today was a reminder of God’s instruction. He tells us to “be still and know that I am God”. Be still and know His presence. Be still and know His peace. Be still and know His promises. Be still and know His love and goodness and provision. But first, be still. Slow down so I can see Him and all the ways He shows me who He is.

Will I be taking deep breaths all weekend as I remind myself to choose gratitude over anxiety? Yes. Will I cry a little? I already have. Will I wonder what will be next for us if this baby isn’t meant to join us earthside? Of course.  But I won’t doubt that God has a perfect plan for us, because I have seen His promises come to life time and time again. No matter the outcome, we are blessed and my life is good and beautiful.

 

{Thank you for all your prayers and baby dust- it means the world}

 

This Time It’s Personal

It doesn’t get more personal than this.


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Infertility. The word sounds as harsh as the diagnosis. I’m sitting here waiting for my ultrasound to check how my uterine lining is progressing and having one of those surreal- is this really my life- moments. I don’t mean that in a “poor me” way, but it’s still baffling sometimes that the word infertility is so common in my vocabulary. That I write about frozen embryo transfers and estrogen. That I don’t blink anymore at getting blood drawn. That a doctor is in the room with my husband and I when we “get pregnant” 😳 Not exactly what you picture on your wedding day.
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This is why I’m on a mission to share safer products. This is why my Beautycounter business isn’t really about a great lipstick or eye cream. It’s so freaking personal for me. It got personal the day the doctor sat down across from us and explained that in vitro fertilization was our only viable option to have children. It got personal the day that I gave myself my first {of many} hormone shots. It got really personal when my doctor sucked a bunch of my eggs from my ovaries with a needle..through my vagina…(mmm hmmm) and even more personal when he put one beautifully fertilized embryo back in my uterus.

Yeah. That’s personal.

(can you tell I’m a little feisty about this topic)

Most personal care products are packed with things like parabens and phthalates that are KNOWN to impact our hormones and contribute to infertility. I didn’t know that. Not until we couldn’t get pregnant and I started scouring the internet for anything that might be a clue. They are everywhere; just flip over your shampoo bottle, or face lotion. I didn’t know that the last significant law regulating the personal care industry was passed in >>> 1938 <<< I didn’t know that over 80% of the ingredients in our beauty products have N E V E R been tested for safety.

Now I know. And I can’t un-know. So, I have to share. I want you to know. I want everyone to know.

And you might be thinking…this doesn’t effect me..I’m a fertile myrtle over here so it’s all good. Wrong. It’s not just fertility; it’s cancer. Autoimmune disease. Skin conditions. Learning Disabilities. It’s our health.

We deserve better. We should NOT have to sacrifice our health or fertility for the sake of “beauty”.

If you want to learn more, please ask me questions.

Here are some good resources to get you started:

Breast Cancer Prevention Partners

Campaign for Safe Cosmetics

Environmental Working Group

Beautycounter Never List

What I Know For Sure :: Gratitude

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I spent the morning crying. And when I say crying I mean ugly faced, red cheeked,  tears pouring, bawling my eyes out crying… for a good 45 minutes. 

My tears  weren’t from sadness or fear or anxiety. They could have been since we are transferring baby #2 soon and I should be a total mess. But no, it was gratitude. Deep, heart bursting, skin tingling, joyful gratitude. The kind of you feel deep down in your bones. 

It started with my morning devotional. I decided to play some music and chose my favorite worship song of all time- Oceans by Hillsong United.

“Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed and You won’t start now”

It’s a song I listened to over and over during our first round of IVF. And as I listened to the lyrics and remembered that season of our life while watching my crazy, wonderful toddler running circles around me, I was struck with the most profound joy and feeling of gratitude. For the blessing of this life I get to call mine. For God’s unwavering provision. For His promises fulfilled. For His unending hope.  He has never failed me… 

Last night we had a family date night. It was a special night because we also picked the gender of our future baby. See, with IVF, you have the ability to choose the gender, since we know the genetic makeup of our embryos. I don’t love having that choice in my hands and a HUGE piece of me wants to be surprised {like all the other normal parents who get to do gender reveal parties and such}. So, we are making it a surprise as best we can. Last night at the beach, we prayed over a little bowl full of folded white paper strips, each labeled boy or girl. Austin reached in and grabbed a piece and put it in an envelope. We sealed it and threw away the other strips so neither of us (ahem- my dear husband) would count the remaining papers and figure out what Austin had placed in that envelope.

This morning, in the midst of my grateful tear-fest, I had this beautiful vision: my grandparents in heaven sitting with our future child. The one God had already chosen for us. They are waiting with him or her and helping to prepare that child for their earthly home with our family. 

If I wasn’t crying before, you bet your booty I was crying then. I have often felt my grandparent’s presence since their passing and have had some really cool experiences where Austin has recognized them without me having told him about them before, so I 100% believe they are angels in heaven. It was the most comforting, peaceful image I’ve ever had.

Austin eventually noticed that mommy was crying. It took him a surprisingly long time; I think children are so much more comfortable with emotions that it didn’t even register until he heard me choke back a sob.

“Mommy, you sad?” he looked at me with the tenderest eyes and came over to pat my knee.

In that moment I got to hold his angel face in my hands and tell him I wasn’t sad at all. I was crying because I was happy. So very happy that God had given him to us. He smiled and nodded like he understood. Then he went back to playing.  He probably won’t remember this specific instance in his life, but I hope he always remembers and feels the love we have for him.

What this morning’s emotional melt down revealed to me is this, the truth I know way down in the deepest parts of my soul:

Whatever the results of our embryo transfer, God is good. God promises that He has good plans for us and I trust him. Because He has always, always provided. He has always, always been good. Even in the hardest parts, He has been good. He’s blessed us beyond anything we deserve or have earned. 

It is a gratitude that leaves me speechless. A gratitude that I am blessed to know.

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A note to self…and anyone else who needs to hear it

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Hey Mama,

Yes, you. The one with the toddler who just flung himself on the floor screaming. I see you.

Yes, you- the one who clearly tried to look put together as you stepped out the door, but the day has run you a little ragged (the messy bun says it all). You still look pretty.

I know, I saw that deep breath you took. That extra few seconds spent closing your eyes praying for patience as your little one struggles to break free from your grasp. I’m proud of you.

Yes, I’m talking to you mama. I saw you glance longingly at that group of 20 somethings enjoying an afternoon of laughter .. and cocktails ..as you shoveled your lunch into your mouth with one hand, in between laps around the restaurant. I know you wondered if that would ever be you again.. and I know you felt a little guilty for thinking it. It’s okay to feel that way. It doesn’t mean you don’t love being mama.

Yes mama, you – the one who just said “no” for the hundredth time today. The one who is silently questioning if she is doing it all wrong because Lord knows the hospital did not send you home with a manual in how to parent a toddler. You, the one who dreads getting in the car because of the car seat battle that always ends in tears.

Yes, you… did you see that? Did you see the way your little person just looked at you, squealed your name and wrapped his arms around your neck. I know you were there, but did you really see it?

See mama, I know it can be tough, but the way that little boy just hugged you is all the proof in the world that you are doing … great. Your little one knows he is loved and that is all he truly needs. Sometimes you just need a little reminder. So sleep tight mama. It starts again tomorrow.. but you got this!

– Love, Me