Tag: motherhood

Sand Paper Hands

{may 2016 :: baby hands}

I’m not sure when it happened. It feels like just overnight. But my little baby’s hands…they have lost their baby soft touch. No longer are his palms puffy and smooth. He holds my hand now and his palms feel rough…more like his dad’s. The palms of a boy whose been hard at work all day; busy discovering, making, doing. He’s a little boy now… my baby fading into a sweet sweet memory.

I wonder to myself as I snuggle him to sleep tonight, would I have noticed? If we hadn’t faced infertility, if I hadn’t gone through the years of trying and the pain of “what if I never get to be a mom”…would I still notice little things like that?

There’s no doubt that my experience colors my perspective on life, and more so, on motherhood. The mom I am today is 100% influenced by the path I took to get here.

Would I still be laying here snuggling him to sleep for much longer than I really have time for and feeling mostly gratitude? Would I still breath him in deep and kiss his forehead and whisper all the things I love about him, instead of worrying about the things I could be, should be doing around the house? Would I have fought through the impatience and the frustration to stay present with my child and savor this moment, if I had never worried that I wouldn’t have the chance to do it at all?

{first family portrait}

Would I have teared up earlier today, heart about to burst, when he beamed as he held out his first family portrait for me to see? His excitement as he showed me which scribbles were Mommy and Daddy and Sadie ripped my heart into pieces, happy happy pieces. I’m so acutely aware that this simple moment wasn’t promised to me, almost wasn’t mine.

I do know that the worrier in me is amplified by infertility. I see it in my need to triple check that his car seat is tightened correctly before every single car ride. I know it drives my husband nuts that I will recheck his work, making certain he did it correctly too.

The anxiety I feel every night now that he sleeps in his own room…triple check the locks…is the alarm turned on? Did I close every window, every door and the gate to the hallway? Monitor on? Check… And the several times a night I wake and zoom in on the video monitor, just to make sure I see the soft rise and fall of his chest… I’m pretty sure that is the infertility speaking.

I can see it in other peoples eyes, when my son is running a little too fast towards the street and though he’s still far from danger, there is a shrill in my voice that’s a bit unnecessary, a panic that I just can’t control… they must be thinking “geez, this mom’s is a tad overbearing”.  I know. I know it’s unnecessary, I know he’s like 50 feet from the road and I can calm down. But what you don’t know, judgy mom from the park, is how hard I fought for this little boy. Protecting him feels just a bit scarier, heavier than I imagined it would.

I’m pretty sure I can blame infertility for the tears I cried the other night, beating myself up for making him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for dinner, when I knew he hadn’t touched a vegetable all day. See, when you fear you might be childless, you start to make promises to God… “God, if you give me a child I swear I will be the best-mom-ever-on-the-face-of-the-earth” …and that mom would obviously feed her child the most nutritious food…hello!

*sigh* infertility has also taught me to give myself grace, because Lord knows that PB&J is a childhood staple and there is nothing wrong with serving it for dinner. That “best-mom-ever-on-the-face-of-the-earth” stuff has gotta go.

I really do believe I’m a better mom because of my struggles. Not a better mom than someone else, but a better mom than I would have been. Pre-infertility me was pretty selfish, and kinda lazy. My biggest concern about being a mom back then was losing my precious sleep, because I looooved to sleep in (I mean really, ask anyone). I still catch myself feeling surprised when my son wakes me up early on a Saturday morning and my first response is a smile. No one ever got a smile from me first thing in the morning before infertility.

I’ll never know for sure if the reason I can (usually) have eons of patience with my son or the reason I light up every time I see him is just because I’m a mom, or if it’s because I’m an IVF mom, but either way, I’m grateful. I’m grateful that my heart is full simply by seeing his grubby face after a day at work. I’m grateful that I have found value in living in the moment because I don’t want to miss a single thing. I’m grateful that being his mom has pushed be to become a better human than I was before.  

I do know for certain that infertility has helped me see God’s gifts in everything. That our struggle to have a baby taught me how to find gratitude in all things, at all times. Infertility has shown me that I am made for more, and given me the drive and strength to pursue that version of myself, the one God made me to be.

I might not be the best-mom-ever-on-the-face-of-the-earth, but I’m on my way to being the best mom for MY child, the mom that God created me to be. Isn’t that what matters most?

I have gut feeling that pre-infertility me would have missed the point in many ways. She would have gotten bogged down in the day to day, easily dismissed a moment to connect when there was something that felt more pressing to do. I know she would have been a good mom, but I think she’d have a harder time seeing the bigger picture, seeing the blessing that she had in her hands. She just wouldn’t have known. I don’t know for sure, and I am certainly not talking about other moms. I’m not trying to say that infertility moms are better moms…not in the slightest. What I am saying, is that I am a better mom and and better person for the battle we face. That’s my journey.  

I’ll try not to cry tonight when Austin’s newly sand-papered palms reach for my cheek in his sleep. Watching him grow is as much heart breaking as it is the joy of my life. Maybe these tears are also because of infertility. Because the last three years have gone so fast and while I believe I’ll get to see another child through these early years, I know that isn’t guaranteed. I’d like to pause time for a bit, find a way to carve these small moments into my memory so they can never fade, never be forgotten. Sometimes I’m filled with panic about the swift passing of time, grasping at anything to slow it down. Motherhood sure does a number on your heart.

If you’re a mom, squeeze those babies tight tonight and take a minute to remind yourself how precious that gift is. Then give yourself some grace – you’re doing great!  If you’re not a mom yet, if you’re in the trenches of infertility, trust that God is using this time to shape you into the mom He created you to be for the child He’s got waiting for you. And give yourself loads of grace too!

Sending all the moms and moms-in-waiting love tonight. We’ve got the hardest and best job in the whole wide world.

XO, Nicole

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Comparison is the Thief of Joy :: Friendships & Infertility

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I have a superpower. I can predict when my friends are pregnant before they tell me. I just have a sense, and no joke, about 2 weeks later, I always get the call. I think God gave me this superpower as a way to protect me and help me be a better friend. See, I get to process ahead of time the idea that my friends are pregnant and I {save for the 9 months that I was} am not and will struggle to get pregnant every time I want to. So, by the time they actually tell me, I can be present for that conversation. I can give them the response they deserve, my joy. I can save the tears for later so they don’t have to be burdened in their time of happiness.  I’m not always great at that part, despite my superpower, but I can certainly respond better than if I hadn’t been predicting it when they told me.

But you know what is really interesting, during that time before they tell me, I often fear that they won’t tell me because they are afraid to upset me, knowing what I am going through.  I have vivid dreams of running into them at the grocery store, their belly clearly pregnant, and despite having spoken recently, they hadn’t told me. It’s almost a worse feeling than that of them being pregnant when I am not.

What would it say about me if the people I love don’t think I can handle hearing their joy in the midst of my pain? I want to be someone who can love my friends exactly where they are at, no matter where I am at.

Because here’s the thing, it always stings. It doesn’t matter if they get pregnant in the thick of my struggle or while I’m pregnant and in the height of joy. I literally was holding my newborn in my arms when I found out a friend was pregnant and even then, even when I had my miracle baby safe in my arms, it stung. Infertility never stops hurting. One of my older friends is 25 years removed from her fertility struggles and she told me it still stings when she hears of people getting pregnant. It’s not logical anymore, but it’s real. The sense of being an outsider, of missing out on one of life’s most anticipated, longed for experiences in its fullness; I don’t think that ever goes away.

It shows up all the time- when hearing a birth story, at a kids birthday party, in a memory of a time we were all together, but I was still not pregnant, in a passing complaint about how hard pregnancy is, or how hard motherhood is, or how “oops she’s pregnant again”.  It will show up on a random Tuesday in the hallway at work when a well meaning colleague presses you about when you’re going to give your son a sibling- time is ticking you know. The sting feels the same whether it’s a stranger or my closest friend. The mom at the park who’s pregnant with her 4th, all the kids are less than 2 year apart and she looks…tired…ya, that hurts too.

It is always going to sting; I have a choice in how I deal with it. It doesn’t feel good to wallow in “Why them? Why not me?” It feels better to celebrate with them. It’s okay to cry about it. It’s okay to feel the sting, to acknowledge the pain and the unfairness of it all. But really, what good does it do me to take away from them the joy that I wish was mine? None. It does me no good. In fact, it only makes things worse.

And the truth of it is, every single one of them has their own pain. Things I wouldn’t wish upon them in a million years. Things I am grateful I haven’t had to walk. Things I’m not sure I would be able to cope with as insanely strong as they have. So feeling jealous, feeling sad, feeling angry…that is normal and has its place, but I could flip that around and they could have felt that way about my joys, too. We all have our stories. They become more bearable, and perhaps more meaningful, when we can walk alongside each other through the good and the bad, the highs and the lows. Being strong when they are weak, letting them be strong for me, when I am weak. I’m lucky to have found friends like that.

Comparison is the thief of joy. The truth of that couldn’t be clearer than when you are walking with infertility. But if I focused on comparing my path to being a mama with everyone else’s, I would miss….everything. I would put distance between us at a time when I need their companionship the most. I would miss out on the depth and richness of friendships that I treasure. I would live my life with everyone at arm’s distance, suspended between the need for connection and the wall of my pain. That’s no way to live. I choose to be present in my relationships. I choose to be vulnerable. I choose to be brave.

{THIS TIME}

 

I had a “voice of God” moment last week. I was cleaning my office desk and glanced at the cork board hanging above. Pinned there is the picture of our embryo, the one that won’t ever become the baby we asked for.

“I gave you this time for a reason”

I heard it loud and clear (in my head of course). I knew instantly it was a message from above. I am grateful to have heard His voice like this before and could recognize it. I stopped in my tracks, took a deep breath and whispered “thank you”.

God gave me THIS time for a reason. The message was both reassuring, there is purpose to the pain, and heavy. It felt almost like a command, a challenge. I’ve been wrestling with what to do with this knowledge. How do I make the most of this time if it was given to me for a reason? What does that look like? I don’t want to waste it.

Two bible verses have popped up this week since hearing that voice. They seem to reaffirm that there is a purpose to this season. Urging me to be patient and to keep moving forward.

James 1:2-4  Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Genesis 50:20 You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.

This time is preparing me.

This time is being worked for good.

This time is making me better.

I’ve been talking about my big dreams on Instagram a lot lately. Dreams to build a business that makes an impact in people’s lives. Dreams to write my story so that other people can embrace theirs. Dreams to quit my day job, but still provide financially. Dreams to be able to be more present for Austin and my husband. Dreams to be an example of bravery, authenticity and hard work for my family. Dreams to become the best version of myself- the one God had in mind when he created me.

Big, scary dreams. I’ve been asking for a lot.

So, maybe God is saying: “I gave you this time to prepare you for all those big dreams you’ve been asking me about.”

I don’t know for sure why this time was given to us. I certainly would rather it wasn’t given. I’d rather be pregnant and adding another baby to those big dreams.

But I am trusting that, just like God wove Joseph’s trials and heartaches for good (Book of Genesis), mine too will be used for good.

And what bigger dream could there be than creating some piece of goodness in this world?

Busy Mama Makeup Routine

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Y’all – in my pre-mama days I would spend enormous amounts of time in front of the mirror doing my makeup in the morning. I actually really enjoy doing makeup. It’s fun to play with color combos and eyeliner. But this season of my life really doesn’t leave me with much time to paint my face. That being said, I  still want to look put-together when I walk out the door.

Let me introduce you to the Flawless in Five set from Beautycounter. This makeup routine takes me less than 5 minutes and I do it in the car on most days. It has totally simplified my beauty routine and I’m always impressed with how it perks up my face without being overdone. It is an absolute busy mama must-have!

Before I tell you about the set in detail, let me spend a minute telling you why safer makeup is so important. Makeup sits on our skin all day long and touches some of the most sensitive areas like our eyes and mouths. We are absolutely absorbing the ingredients that our makeup is made out of. The build up of toxic ingredients over time in our bodies is proving to have serious negative impacts on our health; things like cancer, infertility and hormone issues and autoimmune diseases.

Most drugstore/department store makeup contains harmful ingredients like parabens, fragrance, SLS and heavy metals to name a few. Beautycounter makeup contains none of that. In fact, they promise to never use over 1,500 harmful ingredients in any of their products. That’s way more than the US or the EU has banned.

But, Nicole. I’ve tried “natural makeup” and it just … sucks.

Yes, that can be true. But let me tell you, Beautycounter is the real deal. Our stuff is high performing- used on the red carpet by celebs like Connie Britton and Alessandra Ambrosio. It. Is. So. Good.

Check out how easy this is:

So here is the rundown…

For $150 you can get everything you need to have a flawless, simple yet put-together look in under 5 minutes! Clean out your makeup bag!

The Flawless in Five Set includes:

Tint Skin Hydrating Foundation– a hydrating, creamy formula that is actually good for your skin. It’s buildable for light to medium coverage. I’ve worn it for many professional pictures and formal events with great results!

Touchup Skin Concealer Pen– like a magic eraser for my tired eyes (along with the Rejuvenating Eye Cream)

Color Define Brow Pencil– brows have become my favorite makeup! They instantly make my face look alive and dare I say… younger 😉

Mascara- pick lengthening or volumizing. Both are fantastic. It took us 3 years to formulate a safe and effective mascara!

Satin Powder Blush– the texture and staying power of our powders is crazy. They are made with butterpowder which feels as dreamy as it sounds.

Lip Gloss– another must-have. I love the texture- not sticky! It’s a moisturizing formula so I actually have stopped using lip balm. The scent is a yummy vanilla made from REAL VANILLA.

The colors are fully customizable! I can help you color match. Just send me an email or DM on Insta 💕

Of course you can buy these items separately, but your getting an amazing deal if you buy them as a set. If you love eyeshadow and liner- add the Get the Look set to your cart and you’re literally set for makeup!

If you’re not sure how your current makeup stacks up on terms of how clean it is, look it up on the EWG Skin Deep Database and see what you’re working with.

Looking and feeling great doesn’t have to involve hours in front of the mirror. Six products, five minute, flawless face!

XO, Nicole

Simplifying Back to School: Part 3 {routines}

“Embracing chaos might be the journey we take to finding peace” – Rachel Hollis

Can I get an amen?!?!

As a true INFP (Myers Briggs!) I struggle with routine, structure, rules, step-by-step ANYTHING. It’s not my natural inclination and when you add a heap of inner rebel {don’t tell me what to do} it makes following any sort of daily/weekly schedule near impossible. The harder I try to white knuckle my way through sticking to a strict schedule the more I end up with a tension headache and less accomplished than if I had just winged it. It’s also one of the quickest ways to send me into storm of negative self-talk and anxiety:

“Why must you ALWAYS fail at this one, Nicole? If you just tried harder and weren’t so lazy, You never follow through on what you say you’re gonna do. You are sucking at this mom thing- don’t you know that kids need structure?! Everyone else can stick to the schedule and do it all, all the time, perfectly- why can’t you?”

I literally laughed as I wrote that because it sounds so ridiculous when you say it out loud. SO MANY LIES! But somewhere along the line I had internalized that the women who were really winning at life were the ones who could follow their planned out life to a tee and never dropped the ball. I don’t know any of those women in real life though…I think the internet created her??

Alas, I do recognize that structure and routine can be very helpful in getting things done. I have a lot of roles and responsibilities these days {coach’s wife, mom, high school counselor, Beautycounter consultant, friend, daughter, sister…} and if I want to bring my best self to each day, I have found that a **LOOSE** plan for each day and a few simple routines do help me tackle my to do list. More importantly, they help me stay positive and motivated and help prevent me from burning out.

Here are some of my tips and tricks:

Plan only the week ahead.  When I am in a place of anxiety, I will try to plan each day of the rest of my life, knowing full well I won’t follow any of the plan I just made, which stresses me even more. So I’ve committed to only planning out my week ahead. Of course the big calendar events get planned ahead of time, but the little details, like when I’ll be hitting the gym and when I’ll fit in paying the bills happens on Sunday.

Prioritize the things that matter most. Know your goals and the things that fill your life with joy. Make sure you are planning in a way that lets you have those things in your life. Don’t expect to do them all in one week though. I can’t have a date night, girls night, family time, me time, workout 3-4 times and spend solid time working on my business all in the same week. But, I can pick what is most important and add one or two into my week. So maybe this week we get a date night and I really need some solid biz time so I schedule longer chunks of time for those two. Then, instead of girls night I can call a girlfriend on my commute home and make one of my workouts a walk to the park with Austin- my neighborhood hill is a killer.

Be careful what you commit to. Don’t make promises (including to yourself!) that you won’t realistically keep. If that means you only hit the gym 2 times this week instead of your wishful thinking 5–so be it. Better to feel good for hitting your small goal than beat yourself up for failing to hit the one that was never going to happen anyway.

Have a set wake up and bedtime. Don’t let them be compromised. I’ll be honest, this is a work in progress. I LOVE MY SLEEP. Going to bed early is no problem. Waking up early, not so much. But, I notice a huge difference in my day when I go to bed at a reasonable hour and wake up early. I aim for 10pm bedtime and 5:30am wake time.

Streamline your morning routines so you can get the day started on a positive note:

  • Start with a little me time- fill your cup first. For me, that looks like a little time in a devotional and prayer (currently loving 100 Days to Brave), writing down my goals and what I’m grateful for and setting a priority list for the day.
  • Simplify your beauty routine (check out my routine here!)! I used to spend way more time in front of the mirror, but I’d rather spend it sipping coffee in silence before little man wakes up. Beautycounter’s Flawless in Five makes looking put together so easy! Most days I do my makeup in my car. If you can- let your hair air dry. I know my hair could look better if I styled it, but I pull it into a bun most days anyway.
  • Try taking a shower the night before and make that be bath time for the little one. Two birds, one stone. #winning
  • Make sure you have easy, portable breakfast options for the family. I don’t cook in the morning-ever.

 

 

Have just a few non-negotiable afternoon routines – these are mine:

  • Spend at least 15 minutes just playing with Austin. Getting lost in play with my son will ground me and uplift me every time. He soaks up the quality time and I really think it makes a difference in his behavior through the evening.
  • While making dinner, make lunches and tackles dishes. Then be done with the kitchen. I keep meals simple so that I’m spending the least amount of time in the kitchen as possible. You can read more about my meal planning here.
  • Set out as much as you can the night before – clothes, fill water bottles, purse, kids backpack, gym bag, setup coffee maker, etc. I spend about 10 minutes running through my mental checklist of things I’ll need in the morning and just speed through it.
  • Bring bags to the car so you aren’t juggling all the things AND a toddler {but don’t leave valuables in the car. People can still be jerks}
  • Spend 10 minutes before bed writing down what you’re grateful for that day. Gratitude is the key to basically everything- I swear. I just bought this Five Minute Journal to use in my morning and evening routine and I am really excited about it!

There you have it. If I try to get more planned out than that, I set myself up for failure. Because come on… no two days are the same when you’re juggling all the things, especially if you have kids in the mix. I believe as women we can have and become all the things we want, but we probably can’t have it all in one day, or even one season of life.  You have to be flexible and roll with it or else every day will end with frustration. Embrace the chaos, give yourself loads of grace, and focus on what matters most to you.

XO, Nicole

Learning to Recognize Myself Again :: Overcoming Shame and Anxiety

I had pineapple for breakfast recently. It’s not a normal food in my house (although I do love it) but supposedly it helps embryos implant after transfer so I had stocked up for my post-transfer meals.

Smells and tastes have a powerful connection to my memories and the leftover flavor of pineapple in my mouth transported me right back to breakfast with my host family in Costa Rica {ten whole years ago}

And for the first time, in a LONG time I didn’t think to myself – “gosh, where did that girl go?”

See, “Costa Rica Nicole” was adventurous, independent, driven by passion and BRAVE. I set off all on my own to explore a country I didn’t know, to serve a community I could tangibly help and…to learn to surf. I spent 3 weeks traveling alone. Three weeks figuring it out on my own. And I was: fearless, confident… vibrant. I look at pictures of me on that trip and I know that was absolutely a “best version” of myself. In all honesty, for the last 10 years I’ve been looking back on those pictures wondering where that girl went and how I could get her back.

Not too long after that solo trip, I got engaged, graduated with my masters, got married, moved to a new state and…lost sight of that girl. My life got flip turned upside down {get it- hehe} and while it was filled with all great things, I struggled to find myself in that new season.

June 2010

I became fearful, unsure and deeply ashamed of myself because of it. I was SUPPOSED to be “Costa Rica Nicole” and I was so embarrassed that I wasn’t her anymore. My inner voice was loud and mean, but I struggled silently for years.  When our little boy was born, after an infertility diagnosis and going through IVF, the underlying feelings of self doubt, unworthiness and shame blew up into postpartum anxiety. I spent many days crying on the floor of my bathroom holding my newborn, who I loved more than life and had fought harder for than I ever thought was possible, asking what the hell was wrong with me? Why was it so overwhelming to take a damn shower? I didn’t tell anyone about those mornings on the floor- in my mind I was supposed to be this uber-capable supermom, and it killed me that I was struggling so much. No one could know.

Of course, the cracks showed and my husband was pretty aware that his wife wasn’t doing so great at this point. I wish I could tell you that one day a light bulb went off and everything got better, but it wasn’t like that. It was a painfully slow process. At one point I went to a therapist, but I didn’t continue…because I was too embarrassed to tell my family, who was in town helping take care of A while I went back to work. Oh the irony, a counselor embarrassed to go to counseling. As much as I didn’t want to go back to work, I have to admit that it helped. It reminded me that I was capable and valuable in at least one area of my life. I was good at work. I didn’t feel like I was good at much else in my life. In my mind I was a failure in so many ways. I recognize now that it wasn’t remotely true, but those lies are powerful when you’re in the thick of it.

Not long after I had Austin I had this crazy nagging in my mind for over a month that I needed to become a consultant for this amazing safer beauty brand that I had fallen in love with {enter Beautycounter}. I had no business adding more to my plate but I joined anyway. It plugged me into this community of empowered and encouraging women. And since they were all reading these “self-help” books, I figured I should start reading them too. So, I started listening to Audible and podcasts. Present Over Perfect was a balm for my heart. I’ve listened to it 3 more times since then and it always grounds me. One Thousand Gifts helped me see God’s gifts in the simple and the hard. The Power of Vulnerability gave me strength to break free from who I “should be” and just embrace who I am. Girl, Wash Your Face gave me the kick in the a$$ to finally start this blog and hustle for my dreams. Eventually, the voice in my head started to sound more like these amazing authors and less like…mean old me.

I started to eat right {most of the time} and take some supplements that helped get my gut health in order {shout out to Plexus}. Eventually I started working out and discovered I actually did like the gym- go figure. (Thank you Faster Way to Fat Loss.) I had been telling myself that lie for a long time (eye-roll).

I took up a morning devotional that I stick to about 75% of the time. Time spent with God and with gratitude is always the answer.

I made the choice to give myself grace instead of holding myself to a crazy supermom standard.

I am working on being intentional about slowing down and enjoying time with my family or time alone instead of always feeling like I have to be productive. The compulsion is real, y’all.

I made a promise to myself that I would never stop fighting to get back to a place of self-love. To get back to a me that I recognized and felt proud of.

And it worked. Little by little I started to see victories where I used to see failure. I still fight the “shame gremlins” as Brené Brown would call them. I still struggle and I still have anxiety. But, today I am able to make brave “Costa Rica Nicole” choices everyday, instead of hide, paralyzed by fear. Today, I can roll with the punches a little easier. I can laugh at my mistakes and learn from them, because GROWTH is my mindset. I try to greet each day with a positive attitude and believe I am capable of anything I put my mind to because I’ve seen it happen before. I cut myself some slack in the areas that don’t really matter to me (like having a perfectly clean home) but I’m determined to never again break a promise I make to myself or my family because those things matter most. I’m grateful that I did this work, especially as we face this failed IVF cycle. I can’t imagine how I would be coping if I hadn’t.

I’ve now realized that I was far from alone in my struggles, especially after birth. A staggering 50%-75% of women struggle with some level of postpartum anxiety or depression. Women who faced infertility prior to having a baby are even more likely to experience PPD/PPA.

And yet, I was so embarrassed. If only I had known. If only I had known someone else who was talking about it. So, I am talking about it now. If you can relate, know you are not alone and trust that you will get through this. It will take work and it won’t happen overnight. Reach out to people you trust. Feed your heart, mind and soul with positive words, images, and sounds. Turn off the negative. Start small and take it one day at a time. Little things add up to big things and one day you’ll realize the fog has lifted and you can breathe again. You can recognize yourself again.

If you don’t know where to start- read these books. I am literally forever grateful to Shauna, Ann, Brené and Rachel. They do not disappoint. I am praying for you sweet mama. I believe in you.

Present over Perfect by Shauna Niequist

One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp

The Power of Vulnerability (and literally anything by Brené Brown. She should be required reading)

Girl. Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis

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Fighting for Breath

When I was young, maybe 6 or 7, I fell on the playground and landed on my back. It was the first time I got the wind knocked out of me and I still remember that feeling of gasping for  breath, knowing it was there, but unable to feel the relief.

It’s hard to comprehend the peace and confidence I felt through our recent IVF cycle now that we are facing the reality of it’s failure. I find myself thinking how naive I was to think it would just be easy this time…pop a few pills, let Dr. K work his magic… I mean it worked the first time obviously it will work this time (insert palm to forehead emoji)

But in all honesty, it never occurred to me that I wouldn’t be pregnant right now. I truly thought and felt with confidence and peace, that this was going to work. I mean of course I knew that there was a chance it wouldn’t, but that never felt like a real possibility.

We took a spur of the moment “let’s escape reality” trip to Disney this past weekend. It was good for us to be together and away, but as the weekend went on, the shock of it all started to wear off and even the happiest place on earth couldn’t keep my heart from aching.

I sat at work on Monday plotting out my college workshop program for the spring and as I flipped the calendar page into April it was like the “L” reached out and punched me in the gut. I’m not supposed to be at work in April. I’m supposed to be at home, loving on a newborn and adjusting to life with two. I know that kind of sucker-punch will continue as we move through the year and face all the things I had planned to be pregnant or have a newborn for. I find myself praying, with absolute admiration, for the women who carried children much longer than I did and lost them, who face would-be birthdays and holidays and small moments in time and have to cope with the fact that their child isn’t here with them. I’m sure the longer a baby is carried, the harder the loss is. That doesn’t diminish our loss, but it gives me some perspective, too. One in four women will experience pregnancy loss. That’s a lot of us. That’s a lot of strong freaking women.

The more I read about HCG levels in IVF and chemical pregnancies and implantation, etc…the more I realize how true it is when we call Austin our miracle baby.  You don’t often see a successful pregnancy with numbers that started as low as his did. I’m not sure what it means for us that both our embryos started with low numbers. One made it and one didn’t…so many questions with so few answers. That’s the way it is with infertility… a lot of unanswered questions.

People keep asking what our next steps are. I honestly don’t know. We will absolutely try again, but our failed cycle has knocked the wind out of me. What I thought I knew has shifted and I’m just trying to catch my breath. On some days it feels like my defenses are up and I am building walls so I don’t get hurt again. On other days it feels like I am just taking a moment of silence to sit with God and really feel my way through this, allowing all the things to flow through me while God holds me by my right hand as he has promised. I fight for those days, through my sadness; I fight to hold on to God even when I don’t really want to, even when I’m angry with him, even when I can’t see him clearly. I fight because he has always fought for me.

I learned on that playground long ago that if you fight hard enough, gasp long enough, the air will once again fill your lungs and you will return to the jungle gym ready to swing on the monkey bars again.  I’ll get there. We will get there.

I Still Believe in Miracles

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I learned a long time ago that sorrow and joy can coexist. That they are really two sides of the same coin. That you can’t know the depths of joy without having known sorrow. And we only know sorrow because we have known joy.

{The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.- Khalil Gibran}

I’m grateful for that long ago learned lesson. Grateful that the truth of it has shown up enough times in my life that I can face today’s news with the hope and certainty that while today I feel deep sorrow, I know I will again feel deep joy.

This cycle did not work. Our embryo did not implant. I’m not pregnant.

The air around me feels heavier as I write those words. A weight hangs off my shoulders. I knew that was a possibility when we got our first pregnancy test results last week. On Monday we heard that my HCG levels had decreased when they should be increasing, but still we hoped and prayed. God works miracles everyday. This morning we tested one more time. Our sweet baby just didn’t make it. There is no rhyme or reason. Nothing we did wrong. It is just how things happen sometimes.

I still believe in miracles, though. I am a mother to one.

I am a firm believer that emotions are meant to be felt to their fullest. We will continue to grieve this loss. More tears will be shed. More anger. More “why didn’t it?” If I try to deny my feelings they will only fester and become bigger.

I am also a firm believer that we get to choose how we respond to the things that life brings us. I can choose to let this sadness take over or I can choose to face each day with hope. I choose to find moments of joy in the midst of our sadness. I choose to believe in God’s plan, even though it doesn’t look like my plan. I choose to still see our many blessings and be grateful. There are a million things that I have to be grateful for. I am grateful for the short time I got to hope for the promise of new life growing inside me. It is a privilege not everyone has.

Our baby boy {yes, it was a boy} was just not meant to come earthside. He is forever in heaven with our God and our grandparents and heavenly family who love him as much as we do. I know we will meet him someday.

I can’t begin to tell you how much your prayers and kind words and messages have meant to us. Please continue to pray for us and for our baby boy in heaven. We aren’t sure when we will try again. It is a complex conversation. But, we are confident that our family will continue to grow in God’s time. At the beginning of our infertility journey, God spoke to me through Isaiah 41:13; He is holding our hands today, assuring us to have no fear, for He will help us.

I leave you with one of my favorite poems by a favorite author: Kahlil Gibran

On Joy and Sorrow

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.

And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.

And how else can it be?

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven?

And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, “Joy is greater than sorrow,” and others say, “Nay, sorrow is the greater.”

But I say unto you, they are inseparable.

Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.

Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.

When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

Simplifying Back to School: Part 2 {Meals}

There is nothing that stresses me out more than feeding my family. I’m not even kidding. The anxiety I feel around meal planning and prep is ridiculous. It baffles me. Throw anything at me …suicidal student at work? Got it covered. Juggling life as a full time working mom and coach’s wife with a gig on the side? Watch me go. Infertility diagnosis? Hear my battle cry, biatch!

But, ask me to feed myself and my family and you’ll find me in huddled in the corner crying. I have had numerous breakdowns around this topic. I haven’t really unpacked why that is, but its real. Oh. Em. Gee I hate meal planning and prepping and cooking and making…. I do enjoy the eating though. I definitely enjoy eating.

Alas, the family must eat. So I have worked and reworked my approach to meals many many times. I think it’s still a work in progress, but I’ve found some tips that have really helped me.

If you’re someone who enjoys all things food- you might roll your eyes at me. If you’re like me though, I hope you find these little tidbits helpful.

less time in the kitchen means more time goofing off with this guy

MEAL PLANNING:

Meal planning is a special kind of torture. It’s like, I sit down to plan out the meals for the week and ALL the meal ideas fly out of my head and I stare blankly at the page. Hmmm…what do I know how to cook? So, I started to write it down. I now have a list of dinners we like to eat that, I don’t mind making, and are relatively healthy.

From that list I plan my dinners out by the month. Yes, THE MONTH. I have an excel spreadsheet for each month and I plug in weekends and big evening events, when Jordon will be out of town, etc. Then, I start to plug in meals. Now that I have got it going, I basically copy and paste the meals each month and adjust for whatever is on our calendar. Does it get boring? Kinda. Does it keep me sane? Mostly 😉

example of a month of dinners

I also wrote down all of our usual weekly and monthly grocery items in an excel sheet. I even divided it by grocery store and  department. Now when I sit down to plan my meals and write my grocery list, it’s basically planned for me. I can add and adjust the dinner plan and grocery list as necessary, but the bulk of the work, the part that makes my head spin the most, is done for me. It took a few hours to get it set up, but it was SUPER worth it.

And now that I’m not even stepping foot in a grocery store with Instacart… easy peasy lemon squeezy! My membership is $15 a month and I am positive that I save that amount at least because I am avoiding impulse buys. You can also check and see if your grocery store has free store pickup. I’ve heard Walmart and Raley’s does this. You just pull into the parking lot and they load up you car. We just don’t have one near me so Instacart it is.

So here is a little more about my plans and prep by meal:

Breakfast:

Since I am practicing intermittent fasting, I don’t eat breakfast. That makes things pretty simple for me in the morning. And, since I am currently {pregnant until proven otherwise} I have decided to give up caffeine so I make a cup of herbal tea and add some collagen powder to it for a boost of protein and good-for-you amino acids. I like Great Lakes Hydrolysate Collagen because it comes from grass-fed cows and is non-GMO. It also dissolves quickly into liquid.  I also take my chewable prenatal vitamins- I’m using Smarty Pants Organic Prenatals because they have methylated folate, omega 3’s and probiotics. Pill vitamins make me throw up so these are the best of the chewable options that I’ve found.

Austin’s breakfast is always something he can eat on his own without a big mess. Right now I’ve got the fridge stocked with Stonyfield Organic Yogurt Squeezers that I got for a great price at Costco. He will grab that from the fridge, I‘ll open it for him and then he is good to go. If there is time, I’ll also make him toast with some peanut butter. If there isn’t time, I bring a snack bar (these are his favorites) in the car with us in case he says he’s hungry on our ride to school.

Real talk for a second: I don’t love the amount of sugar in the yogurt or the processed bar. In my fantasy Super Mom world I make him a nutritious breakfast each morning…or even a superfood smoothie. But, the more I struggled to hold myself to that standard, the more my mom guilt ate at me when I couldn’t keep up {which was like everyday} I remember sobbing at the sink one night because I felt so guilty for making him a sunbutter and jelly sandwich for lunch…I cried to my husband that I was a terrible mother and he looked at me like I was bat-shit crazy. (because I was; thank you postpartum anxiety). So now, I try and balance it out as much as I can with his other meals and I give myself grace. Because let’s be real, yogurt and breakfast bars aren’t. even. bad. and a sane mother is also important!

 

Lunch:

I keep things pretty standard for my lunch. Some veggies, some hard boiled eggs, a yogurt (I’m really enjoying Kite Hill with some chia seeds) a piece of fruit, nuts and usually leftovers. I let myself buy 2 meals per week at school since our cafeteria is delish. Last year I was super into egg salad on a bed of spinach leaves. I haven’t quite gotten into my groove yet with meals for myself. I find that if I keep it pretty standard then I don’t stress about it so much. Again, boring? Kinda. But I’m good with boring if it means I’m not crying in a corner over sandwich {insert eyeroll here}.

This Planetbox lunchbox has changed packing Austin’s lunch for me. More than anything it just mentally streamlines what I need to pack and it makes cleanup way easier. I just fill each compartment with something yummy and nutritious and I’m good to go. In the biggest compartment I basically rotate between hummus with pretzels and carrots or a sandwich. Austin goes to a Jewish daycare and isn’t allowed to bring meat, so I have to get a little creative with protein. Recently, I made up a bunch of these Kodiak Cakes muffins and froze them. They are packed with protein and yummy. So, I throw one of those in there every few days instead of the sandwich. The smaller compartments get cut up fruit and veggies, Rhythm Superfoods Carrot Sticks, Harvest Pea Crisps and crackers and cheese. The center compartment gets a sweet treat- a few fruit snacks or a mini cookie. I also still pack a fruit and veggie pouch since he basically won’t eat veggies otherwise. Feel free to send me all your “hidden veggies” recipes.

I actually am having fun making his lunches now that we got this lunch box. I also love that it is stainless steel so I am not thinking about toxic plastics leaching into his food or ending up in that big plastic island in the middle of the sea. Save the whales, y’all. It’s pricey, but it’s gonna last me forever.

You might notice that I haven’t talked about my husband in this post so far. That’s because he is responsible for himself for breakfast and lunch. He is pretty particular about what he eats and how it’s made and I never know what his schedule is for the day and if he even needs a packed lunch. SOOOOOO…cross that off my list.

Dinner:

Let’s talk dinner. By the time I get home at night I refuse to spend more than 30 minutes preparing a meal. I also shut down when a recipe calls for more that about 5 ingredients…all of which need to be something I’m gonna use more than once for that particular recipe. Tahini is not in my fridge…neither is saffron or bay leaves…

Here are some of the main meals on rotation:

On Sundays I like to do a big crock pot dish. Usually salsa chicken (I add some taco seasoning to this recipe and often use frozen breasts too ) or teriyaki chicken (I loosely follow this recipe ). This will last us a few days of meals so it makes my life easier on the weeknights. You can throw these over rice, in a veggie bowl, in a salad or a tortilla and it’s pretty tasty.

Sausage. Everyone in my house loves sausage. I love that it’s easy to cook and pretty cheap at Trader Joes or Aldi. I get the chicken sausage that’s nitrate free. Steam some veggies up in this puppy and we’re good to go. I also like a variety of the frozen veggies at Trader Joe’s.

One Pan Pesto Chicken – throw some pesto sauce and mozzarella over a chicken breast. Chop veggies you like (this one goes great with asparagus and cherry tomatoes) and toss in olive oil and salt and pepper. Cook them all together in the oven at 400 degrees for about 20 minutes. You can do one pan chicken with just about any flavor and veggie combo. And it makes clean up easy because … well it’s all in one pan!

Breakfast for Dinner– a classic right? Throw some eggs and toast together. Add whatever meat you have on hand. If I’m feeling really fancy I’ll make pancakes or french toast.  And guess what, I make that “super food smoothie” for dessert on BfD night! Austin thinks they are milkshakes…#momwin

 

There ya have it: how I’ve simplified meals in our house. Everyone gets fed. Mama’s happy. I call that a win!  When I’m rich, I’ll be hiring a chef- obviously.

 

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When the answer is “maybe”

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This morning I had my first blood test to see if Baby #2 has decided to stick around. I woke up really early so we could get on the road and make the hour trek through LA traffic to get there right at opening. I had to head right to work after, another hour away, and get Austin to daycare on the way. Suffice it to say, it was a potentially stressful start to an already stressful day.

Walking back to the car after my blood draw, I spotted the adorable breakfast cafe that I’ve been telling myself I’ll try “one of these days” every time I have an appointment with Dr. K. So, today, instead of rushing back to work after my appointment and letting the anxiety of the day take over, I chose to slow down and take my little man to breakfast. Nothing fills my heart and reminds me of God’s never-ending provision like some quality time with this guy. ⠀

Should I have headed straight  back to work? My boss would probably have said “yes”. {actually, my boss is amazing and probably would have told me to grab her a pastry on the way back, but HER boss probably would say “get back to work”) And certainly the “people pleaser” in me had to wrestle with that one for a minute. But…

I am so glad I chose to listen to what my heart said I needed over someone else’s expectations. I left our 20 minute  breakfast detour feeling immense peace and gratitude. If I hadn’t stopped and slowed down enough to see and feel and enjoy my many blessings…I wouldn’t have been in a great place to hear … “maybe”…

Maybe you’re pregnant. Maybe you’re not.

My HCG levels came back positive, but lower than they want to see at first. I’ll have to retest next week and see if those numbers are increasing. This is exactly what happened with Austin, so I’m less worried than you’d think. But still, now I am living in limbo land a little longer, wondering if every cramp, every twinge, every spot of tiny pink blood is just our baby settling in or the end of this cycle.

Gratitude is the antidote to anxiety. Gratitude is playing defense to my fear right now. Gratitude is keeping me hopeful when I could turn to doubt. Gratitude is a the coziest warm blanket of peace wrapping its arms around me right now. Well, gratitude and Jesus 🙂

Today was a reminder of God’s instruction. He tells us to “be still and know that I am God”. Be still and know His presence. Be still and know His peace. Be still and know His promises. Be still and know His love and goodness and provision. But first, be still. Slow down so I can see Him and all the ways He shows me who He is.

Will I be taking deep breaths all weekend as I remind myself to choose gratitude over anxiety? Yes. Will I cry a little? I already have. Will I wonder what will be next for us if this baby isn’t meant to join us earthside? Of course.  But I won’t doubt that God has a perfect plan for us, because I have seen His promises come to life time and time again. No matter the outcome, we are blessed and my life is good and beautiful.

 

{Thank you for all your prayers and baby dust- it means the world}